Resident Evil Final Fantasy 7 Part 1
by Liquid
Summary: See what happens when I use characters from Resident Evil to tell the epic story of Final Fantasy 7. NOTICE Due the the extreme length of this story, it will be broken down into several parts.
1. It Begins

Stars swirled around for a few minutes, and then they turned green for a second as Rebecca pulled her head away, and stood up.

"Wow". She said as her vision focused. "Thoes gas fumes are the shit".

She picked up her basket, and walked out of the alley. Suddenly a car flew past her and hit a puddle, soaking her with water.

"Asshole"! She yelled as she wiped off her face.

Then she picked up a rock, and tossed it, striking the driver in the head, and making him crash right into a resturant.

"Serves you right". She said as she walked away.

Meanwhile in the upper sectors, a train suddenly came screeching to a hault in front of an Umbrella base. There was alot of shouting and screaming coming from inside, and a few seconds later Carlos, Mikhail, Nikoli, Barry, and Chris were tossed from the train.

"Ow"! Nikoli yelled as they landed. "I'm on my keys"!

"Try to catch a free ride on my train, will ya"? The conductor asked as he leaned out the door. "Well now you stingy non ticket buying mother fuckers can walk the rest of the way"! "GET THIS GOD DAMN TRAIN MOVING"!

The train pulled away as they got up.

"Good job, genius". Carlos said. "Let's sneak on the train, you said". "We won't get caught, you said". "Well, we got caught, didn't we"?

"It's not my fault". Barry replied.

"I see". "So was there another guy trying to steal the conductor's taco"?

"Maybe there was, you don't know".

"Ow, my ass". Chris said as he got up.

Barry then pointed his gun at him.

"WHO THE FUCK IS THIS ASSHOLE"?! He screamed.

"I'm Chris"! He replied. "You hired me for this mission, remember"?

"Mission"? Barry asked as he thought. "Mission... oh yeah, the mission"! "So, let's get to it"! "Now, the ice cream store should be about three blocks that way". "I say that we burst in there like a bunch of madmen, and take all the rocky road for ourselves"! "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!

"What the hell are you talking about"? Mikhail asked. "We came up here to reach the Shinra number 1 reactor".

Barry looked confused.

"What the hell would we want to go there for"? He asked.

"To blow it up". Mikhail replied.

Dramatic music played.

"Well, who's crazy ass idea was that"? Barry asked.

"YOURS"! Everyone screamed.

"Oh, yeah".

"Can we just do this"? Chris asked.

Barry then smacked him with his gun, knocking him down.

"What the hell was that for"? Chris asked.

"I don't know". Barry replied. "That just kinda happens sometimes". "But anyway let's go to the reactor". "LET'S HURRY"!

They started running down the road, and a second later Chris was running after them. He followed them down a few hallways until they reached an elevator.

"Push the button". Barry ordered.

"Why do I have to push the button"? Chris asked.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU"!

"I just told you a second ago". Chris replied. "I'm Chris, the ex-SOLDIER turned mercenary that you hired for this mission".

"SOLDIER"? "IT'S AN SHINRA SPY"!

He drew his gun, but the others grabbed him, making the shot miss Chris's head by mere inches.

"HOLY SHIT"! Chris screamed as he looked at the giant hole.

The others struggled to hold Barry down, but he was too strong for them, and was whipping them around like rag dolls.

"Why are you helping the spy"?! He screamed. "You're all working for Umbrella"! "I'll kill all of you because I HAVE THIS"!

"Do something"! Chris yelled as he continued avoiding Barry's gun.

Carlos then reached into his pocket, took out a cheese wedge, and shoved it into Barry's mouth.

"Mmmm". Barry said as he calmed down. "Cheese".

Everything was ok now, so Mikhail pushed the button, making the elevator go down.

A few minutes later the doors opened, revealing the main reactor core. So they walked across the bridge, and got into position.

"Set the bomb, Chris". Barry ordered.

"I don't have it". Chris replied. "I thought you had it".

"Don't get smart with me, little man". "Now set the bomb".

"Fine, who has it"?

"I have it". Nikoli said as he reached under his jacket.

He then walked over to Chris and handed him a koo koo clock.

"Ummm". Chris said. "What the hell is this"?

"A bomb, dumbass". Nikoli replied. "What the hell does it look like"?

"It looks like a koo koo clock".

"Impossible". "I sold the koo koo clock to an old woman in the slums yesterday".

Suddenly a house off in the distance exploded.

"Oh, shit". Nikoli said.

"GREAT"! Barry screamed. "JUST FUCKING GREAT"! "WE CAME ALL THE WAY UP HERE AND NOW WE DON'T HAVE A BOMB"! "ALL WE GOT IS THIS LITTLE COCK SUCKER THAT NOBODY KNOWS"!

"My name is Chris"! Chris yelled.

Barry suddenly screamed in rage, and drew his gun. Everyone dove for cover, but Barry aimed at the reactor instead.

"NO"! Everyone screamed.

But it was too late. Barry shot the reactor core, and the whole room started shaking.

"The self destruct system has been activated". The computer said. "This sequence may not be aborted". "Destruct will begin now".

Everyone screamed and ran away as the reactor exploded.


	2. Fleeing The Scene

The entire reactor exploded in a brilliant flash of light, derailing trains, raining fire down from the sky, and causing general pandimonium around the entire sector.

"Hey everyone"! A man yelled. "It's general pandimonium in the streets"!

"What does pandimonium mean"? Another man asked.

"I don't know, but let's steal some shit"!

People began smashing windows and looting, even as the five would be terrorists crawled out of what was left of the Shinra reactor building.

"That could have gone better". Carlos said.

"Good job team"! Barry yelled. "Drinks on me when we get back to the hideout"! "Hell, even this guy following us is invited"!

"Chris". Chris replied. "My name is Chris".

"Ok, Craig here is also invited to the after party". "Now let's all split up and see who gets back there first". "Ready, go"!

They all took off in seperate directions, leaving Chris standing there.

"Hey, wait"! He yelled as they vanished. "Where the hell are we"? "How do we get back there"?

Parts of the building started to collapse, so he ran up some steps, and knocked over a girl who was selling flowers.

"Oh, shit". He said as he helped her up. "I'm really sorry".

"That's alright". Rebecca replied. "You can make it up to me by buying one of my flowers".

Chris reached into his pocket, but there was nothing inside.

"Sorry". He said. "I'm flat broke".

"I see". She replied. "Then please take this instead".

She then reached into her pocket, pulled out a tazer, and jammed it into his stomach.

"Ghsohsaoiughbniu"! He screamed as he collapsed.

"Worthless little bastard"! Rebecca yelled as she started kicking him. "You run into people like a half retarded yak, and then you don't even have the common god damn courtasy to buy a flower, huh"?

"It's not like that"! He yelled.

She tazered him again.

"Don't fucking interupt me"! She screamed as she kicked him in the head. "You rude ass little punk bitch"! "Now get the hell out of my sight before I get mad"!

He got to his hands and knees, and then she kicked him in the ass, making him fall face first in a puddle. Then she started walking on her merry way.

"Crazy bitch". Chris grumbled as he got up.

He wiped off his face, and continued walking down the road.

Suddenly two shinra soldiers spotted him.

"Hey, that's the guy"! One yelled. "Let's fuck him up"!

"Oh, damn"! Chris screamed as he ran away.

They started chasing him down the street, so Chris rounded a corner, coming face to face with two more soldiers.

"Good news". The soldier said. "It's kick the shit out of a little bitch day... and you qualify".

Chris turned around, and tried another direction, but once again found two soldiers in his path.

That's right, he was surrounded, and he backed away as they slowly came toward him.

"After we fuck him up". One said. "I'm gonna take his wallet".

"I got his credit cards". Another one said.

"I got his shoes". A third said.

"I get his drawers". A fourth one said.

The other soldiers just looked at him.

"Uh, guys". Chris said. "Can't we just talk this over"?

The soldiers just stood there for a second, and then started laughing.

They started walking toward him, and he backed up more, stopping only when he realised that nothing was behind him. In fact he was losing his balance, and flapping his arms like wings trying to stay up.

"Fall"! The soldiers started chanting. "Fall, fall, fall, fall, fall, fall"!

The soldiers then cheered as he fell over the edge, but then they booed as they saw him being carried away by a train.

Meanwhile inside the train, Barry and the others were talking.

"So he says rectum". Carlos said. "Damn near killed him".

Everyone laughed, and then there was a banging sound on the door.

"IS IT THE PIZZA MAN"?! Barry screamed.

"We're on a train". Nikoli replied. "How could a pizza man possibly deliver to something that moves"?

"Hey smartass, the ad says that they deliver anywhere". "Do you hear me, ANYWHERE"!

Then the door was ripped open, and Chris fell inside like a ton of bricks.

"IT'S AN AMBUSH"! Barry screamed. "...Hey, wait a second, I know you". "You're Fidel Castro"!

"No, it's Chris". Mikhail replied.

Chris dragged himself over to a crate, and used all his energy to sit on it.

"Where the fuck have you been"? Carlos asked.

"First everything was burning down"! Chris gasped. "Then the flower girl kicked my ass, and the shinra soldiers tried to take my drawers"!

"I'm sorry I asked".

They all just sat there for a few minutes.

"Hey, Barry"? Chris asked. "So how come we blew up that reactor, anyway"?

"What"? He replied. "You have something better planned for tonight"?

"Well, no". "I was just curious".

"Hell, I don't know". "I thought it would be fun, I mean... I've never blown up a reactor before".

"I thought we were doing this for the planet". Carlos replied.

Barry thought for a second.

"OH YEAH"! He screamed as he jumped up. "WE DID IT FOR THE PLANET"! "Because you see, the big corporations support team america, and then they sit up there in there big corporation buildings, and they get all corporationy, and they make money"!

"What the fuck are you talking about"? Mikhail asked.

Suddenly the front car door burst open and the conductor walked in.

"Ya'll loud ass little punks need to shut the fuck up back here"! He screamed. "Don't you know that people are tryin to... YOU MOTHER FUCKERS AGAIN"?!

A few seconds later they were tossed from the train.


	3. Sector 7

The train continued on as our 5 heros came crashing to the ground next to the train graveyard.

"Ow"! Nikoli yelled. "Remind me to put my keys in another pocket.

"Is everyone ok"? Mikhail asked.

"Yeah, I'm good". Carlos replied.

"I'm fine too". Barry added. "Because this kind stranger broke my fall".

"Oh God"! Chris gasped. "Someone get this big mother fucker off me"!

They all got to their feet, and noticed that they were in sector 7, just a short distance from the hideout.

"Ok everyone". Barry said. "Let's all meet back at the hideout for debriefing and cocktails".

"YEA"! Carlos, Mikhail, and Nikoli yelled as they ran off.

"You can come too, Clod". Barry said as he started running. "See you there".

"My name is Chris"! He replied.

The hideout was easy to find, so Chris took his time walking away from the train graveyard.

"Why would anyone want to live here"? Chris asked himself. "This place fucking sucks".

He continued walking past a few small buildings, and then his thoughts were interupted as he saw the giant support that held up the upper sector.

"Oh, pretty". He said as he walked toward it.

Suddenly an empty can hit him in the head.

"Hey, buddy"! A man yelled. "This is my spot"!

"What are you talking about"? Chris asked. "I'm just standing here".

"Oh, so you think that you can just walk up on someone, and take their spot, huh"? "Hey everyone, this little shit stain thinks that he can walk up in here and take whatever he wants"!

A dozen angry looking people then stepped into view.

"It's not like that". Chris replied. "I don't even want your spot".

"Oh, I get it". The man said. "My spot isn't good enough for you, huh"? "Hey everyone, get this"! "Numb Nuts here wants to take all of our spots until he finds one that he likes"!

"Let's hang him"! Another man yelled.

"No, lets beat his ass"! A third one yelled. "Then hang him"!

"Let's fuck him in the ass"! A fourth yelled.

Everyone just looked at him.

"Sorry". The fourth guy said. "I was in the moment... AND HE'S GETTING AWAY"!

They all started throwing cans at Chris as he ran away, but they stopped once he was out of sight.

"Crazy asses". He said to himself as he stopped running. "I fucking hate the slums".

He walked for a little longer, and then got all happy as he saw the bar where the hideout was. So he ran up the steps, pulled open the door, and screamed as an egg slammed into his face.

"Ha ha, you egg faced mother fucker"! Sherry yelled as Chris wiped the egg off. "What did you bring me"?

"Sorry". He replied as he walked over to her. "I'm broke".

Sherry suddenly picked up a bar stool, and broke it over his head, making him fall on his ass. Then she took the baseball bat out from under the bar, and he screamed as she began hitting him with it.

"You cheap ass mother fucker"! She yelled as she kept hitting him. "You're supposed to bring me presents because I'm so cute and innocent"!

"I'M SORRY"! Chris screamed. "I'M SORRY"!

"Damn right, you're sorry"! "You are the sorriest little bastard that I ever met"!

"Sherry"! Jill yelled as she walked into the bar. "What did I tell you about beating people with a baseball bat"?

"Hit them in the head so that they go down faster"?

"Well, yes... but that's not what I'm talking about, now give me the bat".

Chris sighed with reilef as Sherry gave the bat to Jill, but then she pulled something else out from under the bar.

"Always use the aluminum bat". Jill said as she handed it to Sherry. "It hits better".

Chris screamed even louder as she hit him in the stomach with it.

"You're right, Jill". Sherry said. "It does hit alot better".

"Good job". Jill replied. "Now how about you see what your father is doing downstairs"?

"Ok".

Sherry ran off, and Chris pulled himself onto a barstool.

"Want a drink"? Jill asked.

"I sure do". He replied as he rubbed his head. "Give me something hard".

She filled up the glass, and handed it to him. Then he shotguned it, and was feeling the effects within seconds. His vision blurred, and he started rocking back and forth while slurring his words.

"God you're hot"! He slurred as he leaned on the bar. "And this drink is the shit"! "It's almost as great as your tits"!

She just looked at him for a second.

"Chris, that was orange soda". She said. "You're not drunk, you're just being a dumbass".

"Oh". He said as his vision went back to normal.

"One of these days I will give you real beer just to see what will happen".

"Well don't wait too long because after I get my money, I'm outa here".

She gasped and dramatic music began to play.

"That's right". Chris continued. "Tomorrow I am leaving Midgar forever so that I can persue my life long dream".

"Your life long dream"? She asked.

"Yep, I am going to be a world famous Possum juggler". "Check this out".

He took a box out from under his jacket, and opened the lid. Then the Possums attacked, making him scream and fall off his barstool as they bit and clawed him. A few seconds later the Possums ran out the door.

"Well, you sure showed me". Jill said as Chris climbed back up on the bar stool. "How could I have ever doubted you"?

"Hey, Jill"! Barry called. "We're startin the meeting soon so get down here, and bring Clyde with you"!

"On our way"!

They then walked over to the pinball machine, and it began lowering them down into the hideout.


	4. At The Hideout

The pinball machine finished lowering, and they stepped into the hideout.

Carlos, Mikhail, and Nikoli were watching as Barry punched the punching bag with all of his strength.

"This is for Windows 3.1"! He yelled.

(PUNCH)

"This is for DOS Shell"! He yelled.

(PUNCH)

"This is for Office 97"! He yelled.

(PUNCH)

"This is for Windows 98"! He yelled.

(PUNCH)

"And this, you son of a bitch"! He screamed. "Is for Windows ME"!

(PUNCH) (PUNCH) (PUNCH) (PUNCH)

Barry was now out of breath, so he sat down.

"That's enough". He said. "Let him out".

Carlos got up, and walked over to the punching bag. He then unziped it, and Bill Gates fell out.

"Now get the fuck outa here". Barry ordered. "And don't let me catch you putting out any more bullshit programs".

Bill Gates crawled to the pinball machine, and started up.

"I'm watching you"! Barry called after him. "The verdict is still out on Windows Vista"!

Soon Bill Gates was gone, and everyone gathered around Barry.

"Good job, everyone". Barry said. "Nap time".

He started to lay down, but Carlos stopped him.

"What about the meeting"? He asked.

"What meeting"? Barry asked. "...Oh, the meeting"! "That's right, um, uh, it was really fun blowing up that reactor today, so, um, uh, let's do it again tomorrow". "Oh, and um, I want Crisp here to come with us".

"Chris". Chris replied. "And the answer is no".

Everyone gasped.

"I'm leaving Midgar forever". Chris continued. "But I need to get paid first".

"Paid"? Barry asked. "I just met you, and I don't give in advance".

"I just helped you blow up a reactor".

"WHO BLEW UP A REACTOR"?!

Chris started to say something else, but then just shrugged and walked over to the pinball machine.

"Forget this". He said as it started up. "You can keep the money if you all make sure that Barry never speaks to me again".

He reached the top, and was halfway to the door when the pinball machine went down, and came back up with Jill.

"You're leaving"? She asked.

"Yes". He replied. "I can't stand this place, I can't stand these people, and I can't stand Barry".

"But he needs your help on this next mission, and I'm going on it too".

"Good luck with that". "You might even succede if he figures out what the hell is going on for three seconds".

He started to walk away, but Jill stopped him.

"Isn't there any way for me to convince you to help them"? She asked.

"God himself couldn't make me spend one more second with that man". He replied. "I'm leaving".

"Alright, but then I'll have to tell everyone what happened before you left to join SOLDIER".

Chris gasped.

(FLASHBACK)

A much younger Chris sat by himself on the water tower in Nibelhelm.

"Oh, I hope she got my message". He said to himself. "Everything is perfect". "It's a beautiful night, the stars are out, there's a full moon, and it just doesn't get anymore romantic then sitting on a water tower, atleast that's what my therapist said... or was he a rapist"? "... Anyway, I can see exactly how this is going to happen".

He heard a noise, and listened for a second, but there was no one there, so he continued thinking.

"She's going to come up here". He continued to himself. "And then I'm gonna be like, I'm leaving this town forever... to join SOLDIER". "Then she's gonna be like, oh no please don't leave because I've had a secret crush on you for years". "Then I'm gonna be like, I have to go because I'm a lone wolf with balls of steel". ""Then she'll be like, no I'll do anything to get you to stay". "Then I'll be like, anything"? "And she'll be like, I'll do anything for you because you're so strong and manly... oh god fuck me Chris"!

His thoughts were suddenly interupted by a rock slamming into his head, and making him fall off the tower.

He crashed into the ground, and when he looked up, there were three boys on bicycles in front of him.

"Hey, dummy". One of them said. "We thought that was you up there talkin to yourself like a fucking retard". "When's the last time we beat the shit outa you, anyway"?

"Well, um, let's see". Chris replied. "30 days has september... uh, it's not a leap year... um, carry the 2... yesterday".

"You're due".

Chris screamed like a girl and took off running, with the boys on bicycles in hot persuit. Unfortionatly Chris was a non running mother fucker in thoes days, so it wasn't long before they tackled him to the ground, and began stomping his ass.

"What should we do with him, now"? One of the other boys asked once they were done.

"I got an idea". Their leader replied.

20 minutes later Jill was walking toward the water tower.

"This better be good". She grumbled to herself. "What kind of a stupid ass delivers messages by shooting arrows through people's windows, anyway"? "Little asshole almost killed my dad".

A few seconds later she reached the water tower, and gasped at what she saw.

Chris was duct taped to the water tower, ass naked, with his own socks taped into his mouth, and BITCH written on his forehead.

Jill just stood there for a second, and then howled with laughter as she walked away.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"You wouldn't"! Chris screamed. "You couldn't"!

"I would". She replied. "I could, and I will if you don't agree to help them on this next mission". "The choice is your's".

He started to say something else, but at that moment the pinball machine came back up, bringing Barry with it.

"Who's this guy"? Barry asked. "He's even uglier then Craig was".

"Chris". Chris replied with an angry voice. "My name is Chris, you dip shit... and I, um, I, uh... am going to help you on your next mission".

"That's great"! "But now it's bed time"!

Barry then ran back to the pinball machine, but it was already down. This caused him to scream as he fell right on top of Mikhail.

"I'm ok"! He yelled.

"GET HIM OFF ME"! Mikhail screamed. "OH GOD GET HIM OFF ME"!


	5. Getting Ready

The next morning Chris woke up to the sound of screaming.

"What the"?! He yelled as he sat up and looked around.

"HE'S HAVING THE DOG DREAM AGAIN"! Carlos screamed. "SOMEONE WAKE HIM UP FOR GOD'S SAKE"!

Chris rubbed his eyes, and saw that Carlos was thrashing around on the floor, while Barry was growling and biting his leg.

"I"ll save you, Carlos"! Mikhail yelled as he leaped on Barry.

Barry then tossed Carlos aside, and pounced on Mikhail, slobbering all over his face.

"Oh God it's disgusting"! Mikhail yelled as he tried to push Barry off. "Get him off me"!

Chris was about to make his move, but then Barry tackled him and started snarling as he slobbered all over him. Then he used his teeth to grab him by the ankle, and Chris screamed as Barry dragged him up the lift, across the bar where Jill and Nikoli were sitting, and out the door.

"You see"? Jill asked. "They are getting along so much better now".

Chris continued screaming as Barry draged him down the steps, and down the street to a pre-dug hole. He then tossed Chris down into it, shoved a bunch of dirt on top of him, and ran on all fours back to the bar.

Once Barry got back inside, he bumped his head on the wall, waking him up.

"Huh"? He asked. "What"? "Oh, good morning guys". "I had this strange dream about a prison made of peanut butter".

Suddenly the pinball machine came up, carrying a torn clothes Mikhail, and a fucked up leg Carlos.

"I'll never sleep again". Mikhail said as he helped Carlos. "It was horrible, you wouldn't believe the things I've seen".

"Forget that"! Carlos groaned. "I think I need stitches"!

"Wow". Barry replied as he sat on a barstool. "You guys party too hard".

Mikhail took Carlos to the hospital, and a few minutes later the door was kicked open, revealing a dirt covered Chris.

"What the hell happened to this guy"? Barry asked.

"You happened". Chris replied with an angry tone.

"Nonsense". "I just woke up, and I've never even seen you before".

"Oh, I get it". "Then there must be some other lunitic running around slobbering on people, and burrying them in the dirt". "I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE"!

Chris then did a kamakazzi scream as he charged at Barry, but this was stopped when Jill grabbed both of them by the ear.

"Now, boys". She said. "What did I tell you two about arguing"?

"He started it"! Chris yelled.

"I don't even know this fool"! Barry yelled.

Jill then slammed both of their heads down on the bar.

"I don't give a rat's ass who started it". Jill replied as she pulled them back up. "Because I'm gonna finish it". "Now both of you go stand in the corner".

She let go of them, and they sadly walked to their corners.

Later that day Carlos and Mikhail came back from the hospital, and Chris got a shower, so they headed back to the train graveyard, and got on a train that would take them to upper sector 5.

They were the only ones in their train car, so they decided to relax, and once again Barry fell asleep.

"So where are you going after all this"? Jill asked.

"Gold Saucer". He replied. "My Possum juggling dream may have gone sour, but I still have my backup dream".

"And what would that be"?

"Cage fighting in the battle square".

She just looked at him for a second, and then started laughing.

"What's so funny"? He asked.

"A cage fighter"? Jill replied. "You couldn't fight your way out of a wet paper bag".

"You doubt me, huh"? "Then try me". "PREPARE TO DEFEND YOURSELF"!

He leaped at her, but she put her hand on his forehead, and pushed him back into his seat. He came at her again, but she slapped him, and then pushed him back into his seat.

"How could I have ever doubted you"? She asked.

Suddenly the train hit a small bump, waking Barry from his nap.

"WE GOTTA JUMP"! He screamed as he got to his feet.

"Say what"? Everyone asked.

"WE'RE SURROUNDED"! "WOMEN CHILDREN AND ME FIRST"!

They started to protest, but Barry picked them all up, and ran for the door.

"Someone stop this madman"! Chris yelled. "Carlos, quick, the cheese"!

"I don't have anymore"! Carlos yelled. "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE"!

They all screamed as Barry leaped from the train.


	6. The Second Mission

"Well, ain't this just fucking peachy"? Chris asked as everyone got to their feet. "Thanks to dick weed here, we get to walk the rest of the way".

"What an asshole"! Barry yelled. "We should stomp that guy's ass"!

"I'm talking about when you jumped us all off the train, asshole".

"But I had to do it"! "There were hundreds of shinra soldiers, and it was up to me to save you"! "The only part I can't figure out is why everyone was dressed up like Mickey Mouse".

Chris started jumping up and down while screaming out his frustration. Then Jill walked up to Barry.

"Barry". She said. "There were no shinra soldiers, and everyone was dressed up like Mickey Mouse because you were dreaming".

"Speak for yourself". Nikoli said as he adjusted his mouse hat. "I think it makes me look sexy".

"MOUSE"! Barry screamed as he aimed his gun.

Everyone dove for cover as he fired, and when the smoke cleared, they saw that he had hit the lock on a maintainance tunnle hatch, giving them a way out.

"I have a theory". Mikhail said as he looked down the ladder. "I believe that this tunnel will not only bring us into sector 5, but it will also take us right into the reactor".

"Wow, that's great". Chris replied. "How did you come up with that"?

"I read it on this sign next to the ladder".

Chris looked, and it said: SECTOR 5 REACTOR, with an arrow pointing down.

"How does he do it"? Chris whispered to Jill.

"No clue". She replied as she rolled her eyes.

"Now my next question is". Mikhail began. "Which one us us is going to be the first to venture into the dangers unknown"?

"You think it's dangerous"? Chris asked.

"Oh, sure". "It's probably been years since anyone's been down there". "There could be spiders, rats, heffelumps, woozles, all kinds of deadly things that like to suck the life out of anyone stupid enough to go down into their chamber of death and torture".

"Well, that's just great". "I'd hate to be the dumbass that goes in first".

Suddenly Jill kicked him in the ass, making him scream as he fell headfirst into the tunnel. He fell for a few seconds, but was then stopped when someone's hands caught him by the shoulders.

"Oh, thanks". He said as he turned his head. "I thought I was a goner".

But then his hope turned to dread as he saw that it was just a pair of hands holding him up. He then screamed as several more pairs of hands grabbed onto him.

"What the fuck"!? He screamed. "Let go, someone help"!

Suddenly one of the hands slapped him.

"Shut the fuck up". A voice said as the hands formed a face.

"Who are you"? Chris asked.

"We are the helping hands". "We catch people who fall, and help them to survive, but sometimes we do things like this".

Chris screamed as they gave him a titty twister, a pink belly, and the wedgie from hell. Then they started slapping him, and went to poke him in the eyes, but he put his hand up just in time, stopping it.

"Nice try"! Chris yelled.

He then stuck his tongue out at them, but a hand grabbed a hold of it, while the others started punching, poking, and pulling his hair.

"No more"! He yelled. "I surrender.

They stopped beating him.

"What do you want from me"? Chris asked.

"We just wanted to fuck with you for a second". It replied. "See ya".

He screamed again as the hands let go, and he fell for what seemed like hours, before crashing onto a catwalk of some kind.

"Chris"? A fimailar voice said.

He looked up and saw that everyone was already there waiting for him.

"You know this guy"? Barry asked.

"How did you guys get here"? Chris demanded as he got up.

"Oh, well after we dropped you". Jill explained. "We found a stairway that brought us right down here". "It was nice, there was soft music playing, and we even got complementary snacks once we reached the bottom". "What happened to you"?

"Well, ... I don't really want to talk about it".

"Fair enough, then let's get going".

They walked across the catwalk, and climbed up a few more ladders, leading them right into the sector 5 reactor.

"Wow". Chris said as they walked in. "If it was any easier getting in here, I would guess that it was a tra

He was interupted by everyone clamping their hands over his mouth.

"Are you crazy"? Jill asked. "Do you have any idea what you almost did"?

"It's the ultimate jinx". Carlos explained. "Good thing we stopped you before you could say that you think it's a trap".

"CARLOS NO"! They all screamed.

Suddenly they were surrounded by shinra soldiers, and then a helicopter came, and the president of shinra got out.

"Well, well". Chris said. "If it isn't the big man himself". "The one and only man evil enough to run a horrible corporation like shinra... Garth Brooks".

"Close". Alexander Ashford replied as he stepped into the light. "But I'm not quite that sick and depraved".

"Damn it". "One of these days I'll guess right".

"You know... you look kind of fimiliar".

"I'm Chris, former SOLDIER first class".

"I'm sure you are". "But you can't expect to be worth much, unless you became another Sephiroth". "But then again he was a complete nut job, so maybe it's better this way".

Alexander walked closer to them.

"I guess that you are that silly little group"? He asked. "What were you called again"?

"SNOWBALL"! Barry screamed.

Alexander, the shinra soldiers, and even the good guys started snickering.

"What"? Barry demanded. "Why does everyone always laugh when I say that"?

"It's not important". Alexander replied. "But I really must be going".

"You ain't goin nowhere".

"That was a double negitive, so I guess that I am leaving".

"Damn, he's right"!

"But don't worry, I have brought something for you to occupy your time with".

He then jumped in the helicopter and flew away as the shinra soldiers ran for their lives.

"What's with these guys"? Jill asked.

Suddenly there was a rumbling sound, and they all gasped as Johnny 5 came into view.

"Number Johnny 5 is alive". It said as it's laser cannon powered up. "AND NOW I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP"!

"Don't worry, guys". Chris said as he got ready. "Numbers are on our side, and if we work as a team, we can take him togather, right guys"? "...Guys"?

He looked just in time to see them running out the back door.

"Oh, shit". He said.

Suddenly the robot grabbed him, and lifted him up into the air.

"Need input". Johnny 5 said. "Must have input on what it sounds like when a silly little bitch boy falls to his death".

"How are you gonna get that"? Chris asked.

He then screamed as the robot tossed him over the side, and he fell into darkness.


	7. The Flower Girl

Chris stopped falling, and laid on the ground for what seemed like hours. Then he heard a voice.

"Are you alright"? The voice asked.

"I think so". He replied.

"Good". "Are you nice and comfortable"?

"Yes".

"Good, NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FLOWERBED"!

His eyes snapped open as he felt a foot hit him in the head, then another one hit him in the stomach as he tried to crawl away.

"Good for nothing asshole"! Rebecca yelled as she kept kicking him. "You think you can just crash in here and destroy my favorite place, huh"? "Well I've got some bad news for you"!

Chris managed to roll out of the flowerbed, and got to his feet.

"Please stop"! He yelled. "I'm sorry about the flowers"!

He expected her to keep coming, but instead she stopped, and went back to tending the flowers.

"No biggie". She said. "I'm Rebecca the flower girl". "Who are you"?

"Chris Redfield, and I... well... I do a bit of everything".

"Ah, a hopeless loser, huh"?

"No, I'm not a hopeless loser". "I was in SOLDIER until recently, and pretty soon I'm gonna leave Midgar, and be a... um, well, uh".

"A drifter then". "A romaing loser with no money and no home". "Sounds like fun, so when are you planing on killing yourself"?

He was about to say something else, but was interupted by a man walking into the church, followed by three shinra soldiers.

"Oh shit". Rebecca whispered. "Say Chris, have you ever been a decoy, er, I mean a bodyguard before"?

"Sure I have". He replied. "I was such a good bodyguard that out of the last 10 people that I was supposed to protect, 3 of them almost made it".

"Close enough". "But I guess that I have to pay you, huh"?

"Uh, sure".

"Ok, how about I'll go out with you once"?

Chris froze in place.

"A date"? He asked. "WITH A GIRL"?!

"That's the idea". Rebecca replied.

"Wow, a real date with a real girl"! "That hasn't happened since, well... ever"!

Rebecca rolled her eyes.

"That's the spirit". She said. "Now all you have to do is get me away from that evil man over there". "Think you can manage"?

"Why sure I can"! He exclaimed as he started walking toward the stranger. "In fact I'll do one better"! "I'm going to get rid of this bastard once and for all"!

"Wait, Chris, no"! She called.

Chris was filled with pride as he walked toward his enemy. Not only was he going to look tough and manly in front of a cute, but slightly psycotic redhead, but he was also going to go out on a real date.

"Ha"! He whispered to himself. "No more late night visits to Inflata-Sally for this super stud".

A few seconds later he was standing in front of his enemy, and he decided to start off by getting right in his face.

"Now listen here, chicken fucker"! Chris yelled. "Who are you to be chasing pretty girls around, and kidnapping them"?

In response to this, his enemy gave him 3 lightning fast kicks to the head, and then one more to the stomach, making him crash into a row of chairs.

"What the hell just happened"? Chris asked.

"I happened". His enemy said as he stepped forward. "I am Jet Li, leader of the Turks".

"I tried to warn you". Rebecca said as Chris got up. "So what do we do now"?

"RUN AWAY"! He screamed. "RUN AWAY"!

"Capture them". Jet Li ordered.

Chris and Rebecca ran into the back room, with the Shinra soldiers in hot persuit.

"I've got an idea". Rebecca said as the soldiers closed in. "Let's split up, you go this way".

She grabbed him, and shoved him right into the soldiers as she ran up the stairs.

"Well, look at what we have here". One of the soldiers said as they grabbed him. "Let's kick the shit out of this crazy asshole".

They started punching and kicking him for a few seconds, but then they stopped as Jet Li walked in.

"You want to call me a chicken fucker, huh"? Jet Li asked. "Well, I have a special way of dealing with rude little ass clowns like you".

Chris was frozen in fear as Jet Li got into a kung fu stance. He then licked his finger, and shoved it into Chris's ear.

"Willy, willy, willy"! Jet Li yelled. "Willy, willy, willy"!

"No"! Chris screamed. "No more wet willys"!

"No more wet willy"? "Then maybe you want a melvin"!

He grabbed the front of Chris's underwear, and pulled them up as hard as he could, making Chris's face turn purple.

After a few more seconds, Jet Li stopped.

"I guess that you learned your lesson". He said. "Men, toss this silly little bitch over there in the corner".

The soldiers tossed Chris aside, and they were about to follow Rebecca, when suddenly a whole lot of barrels came rolling down the stairs.

The soldiers were instantly flattened, but Jet Li stood unharmed.

"What is this"? He asked. "Fucking Donkey Kong"?

"No". Rebecca replied. "It's George of the jungle".

She then swung down on a rope, and kicked Jet Li in the head, sending him through a wall.

"Good job, sitting duck, er, I mean bodyguard". She said. "Now let's get the hell out of here before he get's up".

They ran out of the church just as Jet Li was getting up.


	8. Life In Sector 5

Rebecca was alot faster then Chris, so she left him in the dust as they ran away from the church.

"Wait up"! He called as she vanished around a corner.

He ran faster, and was completely out of breath as he rounded the corner. He was now in a settlement of somekind...

But Rebecca was gone.

"Now where the hell did she go"? He said to himself.

Suddenly Rebecca jumped down from one of the shelters, and kicked him in the face, knocking him on his ass. Then she punched him in the face, kicked him in the ribs, and broke a piece of plywood over his head.

"Stop"! He screamed. "It's me"! "It's Chris, your bodyguard"!

"I know". She replied as he got up. "I'm just keeping my bodyguard on his toes, or something like this might happen".

She then spun around, and slammed her foot into his head, making him spin around several times before hitting the ground.

"See what I mean"? Rebecca asked as she helped him up.

"Yeah". He replied with pain in his voice. "But where the hell was that stuff when Jet Li was torturing me"?

"Oh, now you're just grasping at straws". "Hey, want to see something neat"?

Chris was left standing there like an idiot as she ran over to a barrel shaped shelter.

"Come look"! She called. "You won't want to miss this"!

He grumbled to himself as he walked over to her.

"Take a look inside". Rebecca said. "The person that lives here is a total freak". "Go on, go inside".

Realizing that he had no choice, Chris moved the curtain, revealing a very large woman with a full beard.

"Oh my god". Chris found himself saying. "What are you supposed to be"?

"I'm the bearded lady". She replied. "Who are you, one of the freaks"? "GET YOUR ASS IN HERE"!

She suddenly grabbed Chris by the shirt collar, pulled him inside, and closed the curtain.

Rebecca listened through the curtain, while trying not to laugh.

"I'm so glad you could make it". The bearded lady said. "Most men are afraid of me because I really like to use this paddle on them".

"STOP IT"! Chris screamed as the whacking sounds started. "REBECCA HELP"! "OW THAT REALLY HURTS"! "OW, STOP IT, OW"!

"Isn't this fun"?

"NO, LET ME GO"!

"I'm so glad that you are enjoying yourself". "Not many men are willing to stay around once I start using the mouse traps".

"THE WHAT"?!

He started screaming again, and Rebecca fell over laughing as the snapping sounds started.

A few minutes later Chris was tossed out of the shelter in his underwear, and a second later his clothes were tossed out.

"And what do you have to say for yourself"? Rebecca asked as he started putting his clothes on.

"Um". He replied. "...Did I just score"?

"Oh, just get dressed". "And hurry up, we don't want to be late for dinner".

"Dinner"?

Once he got dressed, Chris followed Rebecca out of the settlement, and into a place that was absolutely stunning.

"How is this here"? He asked.

"How is what here"? She asked.

"I thought flowers couldn't grow in midgar".

"Oh, for god's sake Chris". "I bet that you were one of thoes kids that wanted to know how potato chips are made, and never believed in Santa Clause, huh"? "Just shut the fuck up and enjoy this kind of thing".

They walked up to the house, and she opened the door.

"Grandma"! She called. "I'm home"!

"I'm not deaf"! An old woman replied. "And shut the damn door, were you born in a fucking barn"?

She closed the door, and they walked into the main room.

"I had chocolates for you, grandma". Rebecca said. "But Jet Li took them again".

"Who wants chocolates"? Grandma replied. "I'm an old woman, buy me some weed". "And you better have brought a man with you this time".

"No, but this is my bodyguard, Chris".

"Hey"! Chris said.

Grandma turned away from the stove, and she smiled as she looked him up and down.

"Well, isn't he cute"? She said as she walked over to them. "And just how well do you guard my grandaughter's body, huh"?

"Grandma, please"! Rebecca yelled.

"Grandma, nothin". "You ain't never gonna get a man if you keep being such a prude". "Why, when I was your age I was meeting a different guy behind the shed every night". "Maybe if you'd have put out a bit more that last one you had wouldn't have run off". "Now there was a boy who knew what he was doing".

"GRANDMA"!

"Alright, I'll be nice for now". "Rebecca, would you be a dear and go get the plates for dinner"?

Rebecca went into the storage room, then Grandma walked over to Chris, and squeezed his ass.

"Uh, grandma"? He asked. "What are you doing"?

"You know". She said as she squeezed harder. "If you don't get what you want from her, my room is just down the hall".

She then licked the side of his face, making him scream and run for the door. But when he pulled the door open, grandma was waiting for him on the other side.

"Hello, cutie". She said as he backed away.

"How the hell did you do that"? He asked.

"I can do alot of things". "Just ask Rebecca's last boyfriend".

Suddenly Rebecca came back with the plates, and a few minutes later they were sitting down to dinner.

"So". Grandma said. "Have you taken advantage of her yet"?

"Jesus, grandma"! Rebecca exclaimed.

"What"? "I just want my precious little grandaughter to be happy". "Hell, you could have any guy around here if you don't want this one". "What about that nice pilot that comes around every now and then"? "You know, the one with the big rocket". "Now there's a man with stamina".

"Ok, I'm done".

Rebecca got out of her chair, and started toward the door.

"I have to take Chris to sector 7". She said. "I'll be back whenever".

Chris started to get up, but grandma stopped him by grabbing his leg.

"Now hold on a second". She said. "It's late, so how about your little friend stays the night"?

"Oh, fine". Rebecca replied. "I'm going to bed, see you in the morning".

She walked upstairs, and Chris started to follow, but grandma stopped him again.

"My offer is still open". She said. "See you in the morning".

She started laughing as Chris ran upstairs, and locked himself in the guestroom.


	9. Into Sector 6

Chris laid on the bed, and suddenly it was dark outside.

"Crap". He said to himself. "Must have fallen asleep". "I have to get out of here".

He was about to get up, but then his mind began wandering again.

"Wait a second". He said to himself. "This is perfect". "Maybe Rebecca will be so turned on my my heroics yesterday that she will sneak out of her room, and use the master key to open my door". "Yeah, I can see it all now". "I'll be like, Rebecca what are you doing in here... wearing nothing but your underwear... with a beer in one hand and a 12 inch ham and cheese sub from subway in the other"? "And she'll be like, oh Chris I was so turned on by your heroics that I had to come in here and give myself to you". "And I'll be like, I knew that you wanted me right from the start". "Then she'll be like, oh Chris you're so much braver and stronger then thoes kids that used to beat you up all the time OH GOD CHRIS FUCK ME"!

"Chris"! Rebecca yelled. "I'm in the next room, and I can totally hear you"! "SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO BACK TO SLEEP"!

He felt about half an inch tall as he laid back down. A few seconds later he was asleep, but then he woke up when he heard his door unlocking.

"Oh, boy"! He whispered to himself as the door opened. "She must have gotten so turned on by my fantasy that she just had to come down here"! "Chris is gettin lucky, oh yeah, Chris is gettin lucky, who's gettin lucky, Chris is gettin lucky"!

He heard footsteps moving toward his bed, and then he felt something get on the bed.

"Hey, beautiful". He said. "Just couldn't resist me, huh"?

"Sure couldn't". Grandma replied.

Chris screamed like a girl as he dove out of bed, and ran out of the room. Then after falling down the stairs, and knocking over some pots and pans, he ran out of the house, and headed for the sector gate.

He ran past the settlement, and was just getting around the corner, when he saw Rebecca walking toward the gate.

"Rebecca"! He called. "Rebecca, wait up"!

He quickly caught up to her, and put his hand on her shoulder, but then she twisted his arm, and flipped him over.

"Stop, it's me"! He cried. "Please don't kick my ass again"!

"Jesus, Chris". She replied as she let go. "How am I supposed to feel safe going to sector 7 if my own bodyguard is sneaking up on me all the time"?

"You left me with your grandma"!

"Oh, I knew I forgot something". "Anyway let's go".

He got up, and followed her through the gate.

"Now be careful". She warned as they walked on. "Sector 6 can be a little rough, so watch yourself".

"Street punks"? He asked.

"No, mostly people who used to work for the LAPD".

Suddenly 6 guys grabbed Chris from behind and carried him away. Then they tossed him down and started stomping him.

"Now let's see". Rebecca said as Chris's beating continued. "If I remember right, we have to go under that rubble over there, and climb up that piece of metal over there". "Jesus, Chris can you stop playing around for 5 minutes so that we can get out of here"?

A few seconds later they were done stomping him, and started walking away.

"Drive safe mother fucker". One of them said. "Next time you won't get off with just a warning".

He kicked him one more time, and then walked away, letting Chris get to his feet and catch up to Rebecca.

"So". Rebecca said as they started walking again. "Did you get thrown out of SOLDIER, or did you just go AWOL"?

"What makes you say that"? He asked.

"Oh, nothing". "It's more then obvious from your fighting skills that you are the best that SOLDIER has to offer". "By god you are such a fucking loser, how do you live with yourself"?

"One day at a time".

Soon they reached the end of the construction zone, and came to a small playground.

"Wow, this place is still here"? She asked. "Most people thought it was haunted when I was a kid".

"Oh, that's just silly". He replied. "Everyone knows that there's no such thing as ghosts".

"Get ...out". A voice whispered.

"Well, this has been fun". Chris quickly said. "But I think we should be moving on".

He started running for the gate to sector 7, but suddenly it opened, and he was knocked over by a chochobo pulling a carriage, and the back wheel pushed his head down into the mud.

But when he looked up, there was also someone on the back of it.

"Jill". Chris said as it dissapeared around a corner.

"Who was that"? Rebecca asked.

"It was Jill, but she looked strange".

"How so"?

"Well, I've never seen her all dressed up like a girl before".

"I see... so do you want to follow them"?

Chris wiped the mud off of his face, and then he jumped to his feet.

"Yes, we must follow her". He said. "Because if she is in trouble, it is my duty as her friend and a top rated hero to save her". "DON'T WORRY, JILL"! "SUPER CHRIS IS ON THE WAY"!

He started to run, but slipped on the mud, making his face go back in the puddle.

"Wow, super Chris". Rebecca said as she rolled her eyes. "The world is sure safe with you around".

He wiped the mud off his face, and got to his feet. Then he started to make another speech, but Rebecca stopped him.

"How about we just go"? She asked.

"Ah, the element of surprise". He replied. "I like that".

They then started walking in the direction that the Carriage went.


	10. Welcome To Wall Market

They followed the carriage tracks around a few more turns, and suddenly came to a large and very busy place.

"Where are we"? Chris asked as they walked in.

An old man suddenly jumped out of nowhere, making them both gasp.

"Good morning". He said. "Welcome to Wall Market".

"Wall Market"? Chris asked.

"You've never heard of wall market"? Rebecca asked. "What, have you been living in a cave for your whole life"?

"No, not since that one time".

(FLASHBACK)

"It puts the lotion on it's skin"! Buffalo Bob screamed as he tossed the bottle. "You have no idea of the horror I can bring you"!

The bottle hit Chris in the head.

"You don't have to yell". Chris replied as he picked it up.

"It does what it's told"! He screamed.

Chris began putting the lotion on.

"Alright". Chris said. "Fucking psycho".

"It shuts it's god damn mouth"!

(FLASHFORWARD)

"That explains alot about you, actually". Rebecca said. "Anyway, you can find anything at Wall Market". "It's such a great place that it is slowly but surely sucking the life out of all the other stores around it".

"That's right". The old man continued. "You can find anything here, just ask".

"Ok". Chris said. "I'm looking for a girl named Jill who was just brought in here a few minutes ago".

"Hmmm, sounds like you need our prostitution section". "Just follow that trail over there all the way to the end, and you can't miss it".

"Great, now we're getting somewhere".

He and Rebecca followed the trail, and sure enough, they found themselves standing right in front of the honey bee inn.

"I guess this is the place". Rebecca said. "Go get'em, Chris".

"Why do I have to do it"? He asked.

"Because you look like the kind of guy that never gets laid, and that means that you can sneak around easier then a hot little piece of ass like me".

"I guess you have a point".

"So get going"!

He quickly walked up to the man at the door.

"A new face, huh"? The man said. "Let me guess, you're a desperate loser that can't get a date to save his life, right"?

"My god". Chris replied. "It's like you know me". "... Are you my long lost uncle or something"?

"No... but all of our rooms are filled up right now, so your going to have to wait a few minutes".

Suddenly there was a crashing sound from one of the back rooms, and then two bouncers were tossed out.

"Bob, get your ass in here"! One of them called. "It's him again"!

"You're name's bob"? Chris asked.

"Uh". He replied. "You folks just wait here for a second...um...uh, I'll be right back".

Bob ran back to the other bouncers.

"Who the fuck let him back in here"?! Bob demanded. "I thought he had a lifetime ban"!

Suddenly an empty whiskey bottle came flying through the air, and shattered on Bob's head, knocking him down.

"That's it"! He yelled as he got back up. "Lets just rush in there and drag the little bastard out"!

All three of them ran into the room, and Chris and Rebecca listened as best as they could.

"Ok". Bob said. "Just take it easy, and no one has to get hurt... that's right, just put down the bottle, I'm your friend... GET HIM"!

There were some crashing sounds.

"OW, MY BALLS"! One of the other bouncers yelled.

"Look out"! The other one yelled. "He's got a spear"!

There were more crashing sounds, and the screaming started.

"AHHHHHHH"! One of them screamed. "He bit me"!

Then there was the sound of glass breaking.

"Get his feet"! Bob yelled.

A few minutes later the bouncers came out of the room, slowly dragging a man who had goggles on his head.

"You can't do this to me"! Liquid screamed as he grabbed the door frame. "This is the only place where the girls will meet my demands"! "Everyone else called the cops"!

They pulled him off of the door frame, and began dragging him toward the front door.

"You're lucky we don't kill you"! Bob yelled. "Now just come quietly, and we won't have to fuck you up anymore".

Liquid responded to this by kicking him in the balls, but the other bouncers stopped him from getting away untill Bob was back on his feet.

"Mother fuckers, do you know who I am"? Liquid demanded as they continued dragging. "I'm the greatest pilot in all of shinra"! "I was supposed to be the first man in space"!

"Yeah, whatever". Bob replied. "Just never come back, and you can be whatever you want".

They got him to the front door, but he once again grabbed onto the door frame.

"You worthless non compasion having mother fuckers"! Liquid screamed as they pulled on his legs. "I'm at the controls of a 65 million gil rocketship, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU DRIVE"?!

They pulled again, ripping him off of the door frame, and tossing him in the dirt.

"And stay out"! Bob screamed.

"Fuck you"! Liquid screamed as he got up. "I never liked this place anyway"! "I'm gonna make a quick stop at grandma's house, then I'm taking my ass back to rocket town"!

He started walking away, and Bob turned back to Chris.

"Well". He said. "There seems to be an open room".

Chris looked at Rebecca, and she motioned for him to go inside.

"I'll take it". He slowly replied.

He then followed Bob inside.


	11. The Search Continues

Chris followed Bob into the main section of the honey bee inn.

"Do you have a girl named Jill"? He asked.

"Yep". Bob replied. "That's our newest girl". "But she was taken to the don's place for a private fuck, er, uh interview".

"Oh". "Damn, I was hoping to get a piece of that ass".

Bob started laughing.

"What's so funny"? Chris asked.

"Oh, nothing". He replied as he stopped laughing. "Like you could ever get a girl like that". "Well, here we are".

They were now in the main hall with all of the different rooms.

"Ok". Bob said. "Just pick the room you want, and go inside". "Oh, and one more thing".

He suddenly grabbed a vase, and broke it over Chris's head, making him fall on his ass.

"OW, SHIT THAT HURT"! Chris screamed as he held his head. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT"?! "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING"!

"Well". Bob replied. "If I did that while you were being good, imagine what I would do to you if you cause trouble".

Bob walked back to the front door, and Chris got to his feet. Then a new wave of excitement went through his mind.

"Wait a second". He said to himself. "This is a fricken whore house". "That means that I can get laid while I'm looking for Jill, and no one will ever know". "Then I'll go back outside and tell Rebecca that I just found out where she is". "God I'm so damn smart sometimes, that if I was a chick, I'd fuck me".

He walked to the first room, but it had been completely destroyed when the bouncers had tossed Liquid out, so he moved to the next one.

"Hmmm". He said. "The discipline room"?

He looked into the keyhole, and saw Alexander Ashford wearing a Superman costume while being spanked by a clown.

"Oh, yeah"! Alexander said. "That's the stuff"!

"Ok". Chris said as he turned around. "I guess that I can tell my therapist to forget mom, because I have a whole new set of issues for him".

He walked across the hall, and stopped at another door.

"Hmmm". He said as he read it. "The pleasure room: Just bang on the door like you're the police, and make your demands known". "One of our girls will come right away to meet your needs".

He took a deep breath, and then pounded the door with all his might.

"Alright, bitch, listen up"! Chris screamed. "I want the youngest and most inexpierienced slut you have to get her ass over here and rock my world like no other"! "Do you whores hear me"?! "I want satisfaction because I'm a hardcore ex-SOLDIER with a dick bigger then most men's legs, SO GET THE FUCK OUT HERE RIGHT THE HELL NOW"!

The door slowly opened, and Chris was ready for action, but suddenly his pride turned into pure horror as the door finished opening.

"YOU AGAIN"?! The bearded lady yelled. "GET YOUR ASS IN HERE"!

He tried to run, but she caught him by his ankles, and he screamed as she dragged him inside.

A few hours later Chris came walking slowly out of the front door where Rebecca was waiting.

"Have fun, romeo"? She asked.

"I don't really want to talk about it". He replied. "But I found out that Jill was taken to someone called the don".

"Well that's just great, so it took you three hours to find out that much"? "Jesus Christ I should have just gone in myself". "God, you're such a waste of space sometimes".

"I am not a waste of space"! "I'm a hardcore ex-SOLDIER turned mercenary, and I could rock your world"! "And if I'm so worthless, then just what have YOU been doing all this time"?

Rebecca responded by punching him in the mouth, then she twisted his arm behind his back, and kicked his feet out from under him, making him eat the dirt.

"Don't question me, bitch"! She yelled as she held him down. "And if you ever back talk me again, I may have to take an ice cream scoop to your ass, do you get me"?!

"I get you"! He screamed. "OW, I get you"!

"Good, now repeat after me". "Rebecca is the smartest and most beautiful woman in the world".

"OW"! "Rebecca is the smartest and most beautiful woman in the world"!

"Good boy".

She let go of him, and he quickly got to his feet.

"Now that we have that settled". She said. "Let's go and find Jill".

She started walking down the road, and Chris followed.

"So". He said. "Any idea where the don lives"?

"No, Chris". She replied. "I have no idea because the giant ass signs that say DON'S HOUSE THIS WAY aren't enough of a clue to help me find it". "What is it like to be such an idiot"? "Does it hurt"?

"Not all the time".

They continued walking for a few minutes, and soon came to the largest house in Wall Market.

"Let's go in". Rebecca said. "You first".

Chris knew that he couldn't argue, so he walked up to the door, and pushed the botton. Then a small peephole opened.

"Who rang that bell"? He demanded. "Can't you read"?

"Read what"? Chris asked.

"The notice"!

Chris looked around for a second.

"What notice"? He asked.

"The one on the door"! The man replied. "It's plain as the nose on my face"! "It's right there...uh, um, just a second".

The peephole closed, and a sign was passed under the door.

"Bell out of order". Chris read. "Please knock".

He shrugged, and knocked on the door.

"Well, that's more like it". The man said as the peephole opened. "Now state your business".

"We want to see the don". Chris replied.

Thunder crashed, horses neighed, and dramatic music played.

"The don"? The man asked. "But no one can see the don"! "Nobody's ever seen the don"! "Even I've never seen him"!

"But then...". Chris replied. "How do you know there is one"?

"Don't get smart with me, asshole...you're just wasting my time"! "The don don't like men, so only hot chicks are allowed in".

"Hey, I have a hot chick with me right now".

Rebecca walked up to the door.

"So she is"! The man replied. "Well, she can come in but you can't"! "Like I said, only hot chicks can come in"!

"Chicks, huh"? Rebecca whispered. "Hold on, Chris, I have an idea".

She went back up to the door.

"Hey". She said. "I've got a hot friend that I want to bring". "We'll be back later, ok"?

"Sure". He replied. "I guess you guys aren't so bad afterall... it almost makes me wish that I hadn't already released the hounds".

He closed the peephole, and Chris and Rebecca screamed as the hounds chased them away from the house.


	12. Playing Dress Up

The hounds were right on thier heals as they ran for the gate.

"We need to hurry"! Chris yelled. "I don't know how much longer we can out run them"!

"I don't need to out run the hounds"! Rebecca replied. "I just need to out run you"!

She quickly kicked his feet out from under him, ran through the gate, and closed it as the hounds took him down.

"Ok". She said to herself as Chris screamed. "How am I supposed to make this dipshit look like a girl"?

"Rebecca help"! He screamed as the hounds ripped his clothes.

"First we need a dress... then I guess we can find some makeup... then, um, uh".

"OH GOD IT HURTS"! "REBECCA HELP"! "AHHHHHHHHH"!

"Chris, could you please shut the fuck up for 5 seconds"? "I'm trying to think"!

After a few more minutes of screaming and barking, Chris dove over the wall, and landed in a garbage can.

"What the fuck is wrong with you"? Rebecca asked. "Always playing around, don't you take anything serious"? "I'm over here trying to find a way to save your friend, and you're over there playing with dogs and digging through trash cans"!

"Sorry". Chris replied as he started climbing out. "I think I landed on a pumpkin or something". "This stuff's really gross".

Suddenly she saw a piece of paper on his shirt.

"It's all over me". Chris continued. "It looks like drool from the monster in Alien 3".

"Hold on a second". She said as she grabed it.

It was an old newspaper ad for a dress shop in wall market. It read: ALL KINDS OF DRESSES MADE HERE. WE EVEN MAKE THEM FOR MEN SOMETIMES BECAUSE WE ALL DO IT ONCE IN A WHILE. IF YOU CAN SHOW ME A MAN WHO HAS NEVER WORN WOMEN'S CLOTHES, I'LL SHOW YOU A GOD DAMN LIER!

"Chris, you're a genious"! She exclaimed. "See if you can find anything else in there"!

She suddenly shoved him back into the can, and he screamed as he landed back in the gooey garbage.

"Christ"! Chris yelled. "It smells like a dirty diaper in here"!

"Hey". Rebecca said as she looked at the address. "This means that the dress shop is right around here somewhere".

"WHAT THE FUCK IS ON MY HAND"!?

"Chris, get out of there"! "We need to get moving"!

She then pushed the can over, and Chris came rolling out.

"Let's go". She ordered as she started walking.

He wiped himself off, and then started following her. It wasn't even two blocks later that they found the shop.

"Now we're getting somewhere". She said as they walked in.

"Hello". The man at the counter said. "How may I help you"?

"I WANT A DRESS"! Chris screamed at the top of his lungs.

Everyone in the shop just looked at him.

"Um, Chris". Rebecca said. "How about you go stand over there while I talk to this guy for a second"?

"Ok". He replied as he stepped away.

Once he was gone, she leaned over the counter, and motioned the guy to come closer.

"It's like this". She whispered. "This fairy ass mother fucker want's to wear women's clothes".

"What"? He asked. "Tough looking guy like that"?

"Don't let looks fool you, he's the biggest pussy I ever met".

"I see".

"He claimes that he only wants to do it once, but betwen you and me, I think he's a butt pirate bigger then shit".

"Well then, that makes a difference". "...I just gotta see this". "...In fact, I'll do it for free".

"Thanks".

The man suddenly became a blur, and within seconds he had a dress and wig for Chris.

"My god". Rebecca said. "It's perfect, and I didn't even tell you the size".

He then tossed the clothes to Chris.

"There you go, sissy". He said.

"Sissy"? Chris asked. "Rebecca, what did you tell him"?

"Nothing". She replied. "Now go and get dressed".

He walked over to the dressing room, and a minute later he came back out wearing the dress and wig.

"How do I look"? He asked.

"Um, nice". Rebecca said while trying to keep a streight face.

"Nice"? The counter man asked. "Are you fucking kidding me"? "He looks like that shemale from Anger Management".

"It's good enough, and I want a dress, too".

She quickly grabbed one off the rack, and walked into the dressing room.

"No peeking". She said as she closed the curtain.

Chris wasted no time in running to the curtain. Then he slowly started to open it, and was rewarded with Rebecca's fist slamming into his forehead, knocking him on his ass.

"I said no peeking, dick hole"! She yelled as she finished dressing.

She then came out, and everyone looked at her.

"How do I look"? She asked.

"Like a girl". Chris replied.

Rebecca responded to this by smiling sweetly, and then nut stomping him, making his face turn blue.

"Get your ass up"! She yelled. "We need to get back to the don's place"!

He slowly pulled himself to his feet, and folowed her outside.

"Now try your best to behave". She said as they walked. "And whatever you do, don't fuck this up".

"Have I ever let you down"? He asked.

"Ok, let me rephrase that". "If there was ever I time that I need you not to be Chris, it's now".

They soon got back to the gate, and Rebecca knocked.

"Yes". The man said.

"I'm back". She replied. "And I brought my cute friend with me".

He took one look at Chris, and shuddered.

"My god". He replied. "Talk about a horse of a different color". "But I guess that every hot chick has to have an ugly friend, huh?

"That's not very nice". Chris said. "Rebecca is nice in her own way".

He screamed as Rebecca gave him a titty twister.

"Whatever". The man said. "Come on in".

The door opened, and they walked inside.


	13. The Search Ends

Chris and Rebecca walked into the mansion, and were greeted by the man from the peephole.

"Welcome". He said. "This way, please".

They followed him past a room where loud music was coming from, and they stopped next to an elevator shaft.

"Are you having a party"? Rebecca asked.

"You've arrived on a rather special night". He replied. "It's one of the don's affairs". "Wait here, the don will be with you shortly".

He walked away, leaving them alone.

"Now's our chance". Rebecca said, not hearing the elevator start moving.

"Uh, Rebecca". Chris replied as he watched it come down.

"Shhh"! "Now we should split up, and search this place from top to bottom".

"Rebecca".

"Shhh, don't fucking interupt me".

"But you really should

"What I should do is choke the life right out of your goofy ass so that I can think for a second".

The elevator beeped as it hit the ground floor, and Rebecca turned around, gasping at what she saw. The man was covered with a cloak from the nexk down, and he had a small afro, with makeup.

Music then began to play.

"How do you do, I". Tim Curry sang. "See you've met my". "Fathfull, handyman".

He leaned toward Chris.

"He's just a little brought down, because". He continued singing. "When you knocked". "He thought you were the candyman".

He then pushed them out of the way, and walked toward the other end of the room.

"Don't get strung out". He sang. "By the way I look". "Don't judge a book by it's cover". "I'm not much of a man by the light of day, but by night I'm one hell of a lover"!

Tim curry then whipped off the cloak, revealing that he was wearing fish net stockings and a black teddy.

"I'm just a sweet transvestite"! He continued. "From transexual transylvania"! "Uh, huh"!

Chris and Rebecca were left just standing there as the music stopped, and Don Tim Curry walked back over to them.

"So". He said as he linked arms with them. "Who might you be"?

"I'm Chris". Chris replied.

Rebecca stomped his foot hard before he could finish.

"I'm Rebecca". She said. "And this is, um, uh, Chris...tina"? "Yeah, that's it"! "This is Christina".

"Well". Tim Curry replied as he grabbed Chris's ass. "Aren't you two just the cutest little things". "You should wait in the guest room with the other one, and my handyman will bring you up shortly".

He squeezed Chris's ass again, and got back into the elevator.

"See you girls shortly". He said as he went up.

"I feel weird". Chris said.

"Not now". She replied. "Now's our chance to find Jill and get the hell out of here". "This way, let's go"!

He followed her into a door, and down a long flight of stairs. But then Chris looked away as they found Jill at the bottom.

"Are you Jill"? Rebecca asked.

"Yeah". She replied. "Who the fuck are you"?

"I'm Rebecca". "Chris told me all about you". "You see, he talks in his sleep, and he said something about wanting you to put on a sailor hat and shave his ass in a bathtub full of pepto-bismal".

Chris was about to say something, but knew that he couldn't.

"Wait a second". Jill said. "I have two very important questions for you". "The first one is: Were you that little tramp that was with Chris in the playground"?

"Yes... I think". She replied. "What is your other question"?

"My second question is: Have you ever been with a woman before"?

"Excuse me"?

"I see... we should get togather later... unless you want Chris".

Chris felt a glimmer of hope as he heard that question, but then he hung his head as they started laughing.

"That guy is such a loser". Jill said. "I'd rather have sex with Don Knots".

"I know, right". Rebecca replied. "I mean, someone like Chris has to have the world's smallest dick".

"ENOUGH"! Chris screamed as he turned around and walked over to them. "I am not a loser, and as for the size of my dick, you're looking at 3 inches of solid dynamite right here"!

Rebecca shook her head, and Jill just looked at him.

"Chris". Jill said. "Do you know what it means to me, seeing you here, dressed like that"?

"That I'm a great hero"? He replied. "Who is willing to risk anything for his friends"?

"No, it means that I have to pay Carlos 20 bucks". "I can't believe this, you cheesy little man-whore". "I thought we were done with your ass after you fell off the bridge".

Chris suddenly stood up streighter, and crossed his arms.

"Well, it takes more then a little fall to kill a super stud like me". He proudly declaired. "After I fell from the tower, I did an amazing batman-like flip, and landed on my feet just like Solid Snake in Metal Gear Solid 3". "I then proceded to defeat Jet Li of the Turks all by myself with my kung fu skills, and battled horrible monsters all to get poor little innocent Rebecca home in one piece". "In fact she was so grateful that she ripped off my clothes, and rode me like a mechanical bull". "This may seem manley and cool too you, but it is all in a day's work for the hardcore ex-SOLDIER with balls of solid rock, known only as Chris Redfield"! "HA HA HA HA HA HA"!

"I see". Jill replied. "So, Rebecca". "What happened after Chris fell"?

"Well, first he screamed like a bitch and pissed himself as he crashed onto my flowerbed". "Then Jet Li gave him a melvin, he was raped by the bearded lady, and then he was molested by my grandmother".

"Yeah, that sounds more like Chris".

"I'm not done".

Rebecca told the entire story up to the present, and Chris just got redder and redder.

"Wow, Chris". Jill said. "All I can say is wow".

"So what were you doing here, Jill"? Rebecca asked.

"Well, after we got back, Nikoli caught someone sneaking around the hideout". "We were about to ask his what he was doing, but we only managed to find out that he worked here, before Barry saw a mouse and started shooting at everyone". "So I decided to come down here and find out what was going on for myself".

"There you are"! The handyman yelled from the top of the stairs. "Get your asses up here, the don is waiting"!

"Come on". Jill said. "We have to hurry if this is gonna work".

"If what is gonna work"? Chris asked.

They then grabbed his arms, and dragged him up the stairs.


	14. The Don's Choice

"Alright, ladies". The handyman said as they reached the top of the stairs. "Step into this office, and line up in front of the don".

They followed him into the office, and found Tim Curry sitting on a large chair.

"Oh, Rocky"! He yelled as they lined up. "Er, um, I mean very nice, girls".

He got out of his chair, and walked up to them.

"Now, let's see". He said as he stood in front of Rebecca. "Have you ever heard of foreplay"?

"Um, no". She replied.

"Good, neither have I".

He moved in front of Chris.

"Do you have any tattoos"? He asked.

"Certainly not". Chris replied.

He looked at Jill.

"How about you"? He asked.

"Well". Jill replied. "I have Pink Floyd tattooed on my ass".

"Very nice".

He walked back to his chair, and looked at his three choices.

"I've decided"! He yelled. "My companion for the night will be...

A drumroll sounded.

"This little beauty"! He yelled as he pointed at Chris.

"WHAT"?! Chris, Jill, and Rebecca yelled.

"Do what you like with the others". "Now, shall we, my dear"?

Chris didn't move, but Jill pushed him foreward, and Tim Curry linked arms with him.

"Come with me, my dear". He said.

"Have fun, Christina". Rebecca said.

Jill and Rebecca laughed as Chris was taken into the back room, which turned out to be a bedroom.

"So, my dear". Tim Curry said as he sat on the bed. "What would you like to do first"?

"I want, um". He replied. "TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE"!

He ran for the door, but when he opened the curtain, Tim Curry was already out there waiting for him.

"Not again"! Chris yelled as he backed away. "How does everyone do that"?

"I love it when they play hard to get". He replied. "Now how about we get down to it"?

"We can't". "Because my heart belongs to another, and no matter what is going on, or how fucked up a situation is, nothing should ever interfere with true love, because there is nothing on this earth that is more sacred of precious". "I hope to one day win the heart of the one that I love, and that just can't happen if I am in here with you". "Do you understand"?

Chris suddenly realised that he was now tied to the bed.

"What the hell"? He asked.

"Oh, I did that while you were talking". Tim Curry replied. "Two birds with one stone, that's what I always say". "Now down to business".

"But, I'm a man"!

"I know, isn't it nice"?

"No, it's not, in fact it's JILL HELP"!

Tim Curry put his hand over Chris's mouth.

"Jill is probably asleep by now". He replied. "Besides, do you want her to see you like this"?

He suddenly pulled Chris's legs around his waist, and at that second Jill and Rebecca stormed into the room. They just stood there for a second, and then Rebecca took a picture with her camera phone.

"Chris". Jill said. "Oh, my fucking god".

"This, er, uh". Chris replied. "Not what it looks like"!

"Save it". "Rebecca, cut him loose".

She untied him, and he joined them near the door. Jill then spun around, revealing her normal clothes. Rebecca then spun around, revealing her normal clothes. Then Chris spun around, revealing that he was wearing a bra and panties.

"What the fuck"? Jill asked.

"Well, uh". Chris explained. "I wanted the disguise to be complete". "I still have my regular ones here, too".

"Shhh". Rebecca ordered. "Let's just find out what we came here for, and get out".

"Right". Jill said. "Ok, Curry". "What the hell is going around here with shinra"?

"Doesn't really matter". He replied. "They are about to drop the plate down on sector 7, so your little band of terrorists are going to be crushed flat".

"Oh, my god"! "We have to tell Barry"!

They turned to leave, but Tim Curry hit a switch, and suddenly a trap door opened, and they screamed as they fell in.

"Bye, Chris...tina"! He called down to them. "It was fun while it lasted"!

They fell for a few seconds, and then crashed in the sewers.

"Good job, Chris". Jill said as they got to their feet.

"Yeah, way to go, dipshit". Rebecca added. "You really fucked up big this time".

"What the hell did I do"? Chris asked. "But atleast the worst is over".

Suddenly there was a loud roar, and a giant beast rose up from the water.

"Oh, shit"! Chris yelled. "What do we do"?

"Get him, Chris". The girls said as they pushed him forward.

He stumbled toward it, and the beast grabbed him. Then it lifted him up into the air with one hand, with Chris screaming the entire time.

"YIPPEE"! The beast screamed. "ME FOUND VOLLYBALL"!

"What"?! Chris asked.

It then tossed him up, and spiked him down, making him slam hard into the wall, and collapse to the floor.

"ROAR"! The beast screamed. "BULLSHIT VOLLYBALL NO BOUNCE BACK"! "ME PUNISH GOOD"!

It began stomping Chris for a few seconds, and then it walked back down the tunnel.

"Good going, Chris". Rebecca said as he tried to get up. "Now quit playing around, get dressed, and let's get out of here".

He struggled to his feet, threw his clothes back on, and followed the girls over to a ladder.

"Come on". Jill said as she started climbing. "We have to warn everyone".

They then climbed up the ladder, and exited the sewers.


	15. The Fate Of Sector 7

"Where are we"? Chris asked as they climbed out.

"The train graveyard". Jill replied. "We have to go through here to get back to sector 7 before they drop the plate".

Dramatic music is played.

"Well, I guess we should hurry then". Chris said.

"We should"? Rebecca asked as she rolled her eyes. "Oh my god"! "How do you come up with these brilliant deductions"? "You're a regular Sherlock Holmes".

"I don't know". "They just come to me". "Kind of like they were implanted by aliens".

They all looked toward the sky as sci-fi music began to play.

"I doubt it". Molder said as the music stopped. "I spent 10 years barking up that tree, then it turned out that humanity was just one big experiment". "How gay is that"?

"Not as gay as you". Skully replied. "I've been giving this guy suttle hints for 10 years, but all he wants is to get ass probed by some little green men". "I swear, if you were any more flaming, Elton John would tell you to stop being such a homo".

"God damn it, Skully"! "You are such a horrible bitch that not even the aliens would anal probe you, you fucking lesbian"!

"Just because I went down on Alyssa Milano does not make me a lesbien"! "She was passed out drunk, it was the chance of a lifetime"! "You're just pissed that I get more pussy then you do"!

Molder then took out his gun, and shot her in the head.

"HA HA HA, BITCH"! He screamed. "Who's laughing now, huh"? "I've been waiting to do that for 7 years, and now I can finally try on her clothes without worrying about her barging in on me"! "FREE AT LAST"!

He then laughed as he skipped away, leaving Chris, Jill, and Rebecca standing there.

"Jesus Christ". Jill said. "Let's get the hell out of here".

"We're just an experiment"? Chris asked.

"Move your ass"! Rebecca yelled as she started pushing him.

A few minutes later they exited the train graveyard, and ran to the base of the support where a small crowd had gathered.

"Hey, we made it"! Chris yelled. "Look, the support is still up"!

"Holy shit, stop the presses"! Rebecca replied. "Did you figure that out all by yourself"? "I swear, Chris, did you live under power lines as a kid"?

"Not the whole time".

"Shut up"! Jill yelled. "Listen"!

They stopped, and listened as gunfire came from the top of the support. Then there was a screaming sound, and everyone dove out of the way as Nikoli came plummiting toward the ground.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT"! He screamed just before impact.

Then he hit, and splattered all over the ground like corn beef hash.

"Oh, gross"! Rebecca exclaimed as she wiped Nikoli chunks off of herself.

"My mouth was open". Chris sadly replied as he spit some out.

"Quit fucking around"! Jill yelled as she started up the tower. "We have to help Barry"! "Rebecca, there is a girl named Sherry in my bar, can you look after her"?

"Sure". Rebecca replied as she started away. "Anything to get away from this suicide mission".

"Good, come on, Chris"!

He followed her up the stairs, passing the shot up bodies of Carlos and Mikhail, and finally reaching the top a few minutes later to find Barry covered in blood and surrounded by dead shinra guards.

"Holy shit". Chris said.

"ASSASSIN"! Barry screamed as he raised his gun. "LOOK OUT, JILL"!

He fired, hiting the metal next to Chris's foot, and scairing him so bad that he pissed himself and fell on his ass.

"Barry, stop"! Jill yelled as she flicked his nose.

Suddenly Chris spotted someone putting a bomb on the support.

"Stop right there"! He yelled as he jumped to his feet. "SUPER CHRIS TO THE RESCUE"!

He charged like a mad fool, but Jet Li simply stepped to the side while sticking his foot out, making Chris eat the floor.

"I'd love to stay and chat". Jet Li said as he finished setting the bomb. "But my ride is here".

He ran to the edge of the deck, and then a helicopter flew up into view.

"Holy shit"! Jet Li yelled. "You almost cut my fucking head off"!

"Sorry"! Jackie Chan yelled back. "I told you I don't know how to fly"!

Jet Li was about to jump on, when a large bullet slammed into his shoulder, and he turned to see Barry with his gun raised, along with Chris and Jill.

"You ain't goin nowhere"! Jill yelled. "Now disarm the bomb again, or I'll let him loose on your asses"!

"I don't think so". He replied. "Look there".

They looked and saw Rebecca tied up in the back of the helicopter.

"Don't worry, she's safe"! Rebecca yelled. "I tried to give her away, but these guys wanted me instead, the assholes"!

Suddenly Jet Li dove into the helicopter, and it flew off as the bomb started to explode.

"WE GOTTA JUMP"! Barry screamed as he picked them up.

"Not again"! Chris yelled as Barry ran for the edge.

He jumped off, and his vest got caught on a crane hook, making them swing to safety just as the support buckled, and the plate came down, crushing sector 7 flat.


	16. Aftermath Of Destruction

"MUAHAHAHAHA"! Alexander Ashford screamed as he watched the destruction of sector 7. "That'll teach thoes bastards at the honey bee inn to not give me a free pass"!

"Wait a second"! Ark replied. "The honey bee inn was in sector 6"!

"So what"?

"You destroyed the wrong sector"!

"Oh... but wasn't it fun"?

"You killed hundreds of innocent people, and didn't even do it in the right spot"! "Do you have any idea how much it will cost to rebuild"?

Alexander then walked over to Ark, and slapped him.

"I fail to understand why you are being such a bitch". Alexander said. "Boo hoo hoo, a bunch of poor people got crushed flat, boo hoo hoo".

"I am not being a bitch". Ark replied.

Alexander slapped him again.

"Stop that"! Ark yelled.

"Why"? Alexander replied. "Is baby gonna cry"?

"No".

(SLAP)

"Ow, cut it out"! Ark yelled.

"Oh, I'm sorry". Alexander replied. "Is baby gonna squirt some tears"?

(SLAP)

Ark then started crying as he ran out of the room.

"That's what I thought". Alexander said as he turned back to the window.

Meanwhile Chris, Jill, and Barry crashed down into the playground just before the plate crushed sector 7 flat.

"MOE"! Barry screamed as he jumped up and ran to the wrecked gate. "LARRY, CURLEY"!

"What are you babbling about"? Chris asked as he walked up behind him.

Barry suddenly spun around, and busted Chris with his gun, knocking him on his ass.

"YOU DID THIS"! Barry screamed as he pointed the gun at Chris's head. "THANKS TO YOU, MOE, LARRY, CURLEY, SHEMP, AND JOE...well, I guess that nobody gives a fuck about Joe...BUT THE OTHER ONES ARE GONE"! "AND NOW I'M GONNA BLOW YOUR HEAD CLEAN OUT YOUR ASSHOLE"!

"Barry, down"! Jill yelled as she flicked his nose. "The three stooges died in like, oh I don't know, the 1940's"!

"Then what happened here"? Barry asked.

"Maybe you should be worried that we no longer have a home, or that Sherry was there when everything happened".

Barry hit Chris with his gun again, making him scream.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO SHERRY"?! He screamed.

"God, that really hurts"! Chris replied. "Rebecca probably took her back to grandma's house".

Barry suddenly took off like a shot toward sector 5, leaving Chris and Jill alone.

"What does he see in that kid"? Chris asked. "She's the demon child from hell".

"I don't know". Jill replied. "I still say that he should've adopted that 17 year old korean girl, then we could have atleast had fun togather".

"What"?

"Oh, nothing".

They waited there for a few minutes, but nothing happened.

"Well, what the fuck do we do now"? Chris asked.

"Let's go back to wall market". Jill replied.

"Wall market"? "How can you think of shopping at a time like this"? "I'm so upset that I can't think at all".

"Then you're the same as always, so shut your worthless ass mouth, and follow me".

They started back toward wall market, and were just getting inside, when Barry came running down the road, screaming like a mad fool.

"Grandma touched me in my no-no's"! He yelled.

"Huh"? Chris asked. "What the hell are no-no's"?

"It's Barry's super-adult term for his balls". Jill replied. "You would understand if you had any of your own".

Suddenly a large electric cable fell from the sky, and flopped down next to them.

"Hey, I've got an idea"! Chris exclaimed.

"I doubt that". Jill grumbled under her breath.

"Check out this wire, here". "I say that we use it to climb all the way up to the shinra building, and rescue Rebecca from her evil captors". "SUPER CHRIS AWAY"!

He grabbed the wire, and screamed as electricity flowed up and down his body for a few seconds before he was launched into the wall.

"Good job, Super Chris". Jill said. "Maybe next time you'll try grabbing the rubber part, huh"?

Jill then grabbed the cable, and began climbing, followed by Barry.

"The rubber part". Chris said as he got up. "As if I would fall for that old trick". "What she fails to realise is that you have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on Chris Redfield, professional bad ass for hire".

Jill then tossed a rock, hitting him in the head, and knocking him down.

"I got up at a quarter to 5". She replied. "NOW GET YOUR ASS UP HERE"!

He quickly jumped onto the cable, fell off a few times, but eventually began climbing up.


	17. To The Shinra Building

They climbed the cable for what seemed like hours, but the top was still nowhere in sight.

"Crap"! Chris yelled as he almost fell for the 10th time. "This climbing stuff looks so much simpler in the movies".

"Shut up and climb". Jill replied. "I'm tired of listening to your bitching all the time".

"Well, excuse me, your perfectness". "We aren't all professional climbers, you know".

She then kicked a rock loose, hitting Chris in the face.

"OW, CHRIST"! He screamed as he tried to stay on the cable.

"Let that be a lesson to you". She replied. "Now get your ass in gear, and climb faster"!

Suddenly something shot down towards them, wrapped around Chris's ankles, and made him scream as he was rocketed toward the top.

"I knew you could do it"! Jill called.

Chris was pulled up at oh-my-god-speed, and then dropped at the top, right next to the shinra building.

He was also not alone.

"Who are you"? Chris asked as the rope was taken off of his ankles.

"I'm Batman". Batman replied. "Now give me all your money".

"What"? "I thought you were a billionare or something".

"I am, but how do you think I get all that money"?

Chris thought for a second.

"The stock market"? He asked.

"No". Batman replied. "It's from beating the living shit out of pussys like you, so if you don't want a bat-bitch slap, you'll hand over your god damn wallet right the hell now".

"Is it for a good cause"?

"Yeah, it's for beer, weed, and hookers". "Can you think of any better causes"?

"Well, yeah".

Chris suddenly jumped to his feet, and patriotic music began to play.

"You could feed the hungry". Chris continued. "Donate to charities, or help support the midnight basketball funds in order to keep our kids off the streets". "Why, the possibilities are endless when you have alot of money and a good heart".

"I see". Batman replied. "Well, if you don't want to give the money to me, you can talk to him".

Chris turned around just in time to see Superman's fist flying toward him. This made him fly into the wall, and crash to the ground.

"Cheap ass mother fucker". Superman said. "It's stingy non money sharing ass clowns like you that make people turn into criminals".

"So how much did you get tonight"? Batman asked.

"Well, I did a fly by of the red cross guys, but I think I went a bit too fast".

He pulled out a red cross bucket that still had an arm attached to the handle.

"OH MY GOD"! Chris screamed.

"That should be enough for an 8-ball". Batman replied. "Let's get the fuck out of here before the cops show up".

They took off, leaving Chris stinding there like a dumbshit as Jill and Barry reached the top.

"Good going, Chris". Jill said. "Way to leave your friends behind".

"Batman took my money"! Chris exclaimed. "Then Superman killed the red cross guy"!

"Shut up, we're supposed to be a team here, asshole". "Barry, show him what happens to non team players".

"BARRY SMASH"! Barry screamed as he tackled Chris.

He then began beating Chris in the head with his gun for a few minutes, untill Jill snapped her fingers, making him back away.

"Lesson learned". She said as Chris slowly got to his feet. "Now let's go save Rebecca".

"BARRY SMASH"! Barry screamed as he ran into the building.

"Barry, stop"! Jill yelled.

But it was too late, gunshots started firing, and the screaming began.

"I'll save you, Barry"! Chris yelled.

He started toward the door, but Jill grabbed him.

"Are you nuts"? She asked.

"My doctor doesn't think so". He replied.

"You can't just charge in there like a mad fool". "We need to use that hidden door over there, and take the stairs".

Chris looked at the stairwell, and gasped as he saw that he couldn't see the top of it.

"Do we have to"? He asked.

"Don't question me, bitch"!

She then tossed him to the ground, and stomped his nuts hard.

"OW, MY BALLS"! He screamed.

"We're taking the stairs, yes"? She asked.

"YES, OH GOD MY BALLS"! "YES, WE'LL USE THE STAIRS"!

"Good boy".

She released him, and they moved over to the door. Then Chris opened it, and they took off like a shot up the stairs.

A few minutes later they were completely out of breath, and it was taking everything they had to keep going.

"Where are we"? Chris asked.

"I don't know". She replied. "Somewhere in the teens".

"Well, when we get to 20, tell me".

"Why"?

"Cause I'm gonna throw up".

A few hours later they reached floor 60, and stepped into the lobby to see everything covered in blood.

"Oh, my god". Jill whispered. "What the hell happened in here"?

Suddenly an office door was kicked open, and Barry ran out. His clothes were covered in blood, and there was a severed head hanging from his mouth.

"HEAVENLY GOD"! Chris screamed.

"They wouldn't give me 50 cents for the vending machine". Barry said as he spit the head out. "So I got really mad, and when I woke up, everyone was dead".

"Yeah, because you killed them, psyco"!

"Who killed them"? "Who are you, anyway"? "LOOK OUT, JILL"!

He drew his gun, and fired, hitting the wall next to Chris's head. This caused Chris to scream like a girl, piss himself, and fall to the floor.

"WILL YOU FUCKING STOP THAT"?! Chris screamed. "I'M CHRIS, FOR GOD'S SAKE"!

"Both of you stop it"! Jill yelled. "Barry, you need to calm down". "And Chris, you should be ashamed for provoking him like that".

"But I didn't do anything"!

Shut up"! "Now let's all be friends for a few minutes, and save Rebecca to that I can tap that ass".

Barry and Chris just looked at her.

"What"? She asked. "You never seen girl on girl before, you fucking homos". "Now get your asses in gear, and let's go".

She walked to another stairwell, and they followed.


	18. A Shinra Meeting

They kept walking up the stairs, until they came to an open door.

"Let's try this one". Jill said. "But be careful, because there might be invisible laser beams, silent alarms, or blades that swing down from the cieling and chop your fucking head off like in that Indiana Jones movie".

"So, what do we do"? Chris asked.

"You go first".

She suddenly pushed him through the door, and he screamed as he waited for his horible fate...

But nothing happened, and when he opened his eyes, all the workers were looking at him.

"Sorry". He said. "I uh, was just, um, uh, checking the acoustics in here".

The workers all went back to what they were doing, and Jill and Barry came out into the hallway.

"What the fuck is your problem"? Jill asked. "Barry, hit him"!

Barry smacked Chris in the head with his gun, making him fall to the floor.

"OW"! He yelled. "What was that for"?

"Because you screamed like a bitch, and almost blew our cover". Jill replied. "Now get up, and let's find Rebecca".

Chris got to his feet, and they started walking down the hall, but suddenly Jill stopped.

"Hold it". She whispered. "Someone's coming".

Barry then smacked Chris in the head with his gun again.

"Christ"! Chris yelled. "What the hell was that for"?

"Sorry". Barry replied. "It just kind of happens".

"Shut up, both of you". Jill whispered. "Look over there".

A man in a white lab coat was walking down the hall, muttering to himself, and then he stopped once he came up to someone.

"How old are you"? William Birkin demanded.

"25, Dr. Birkin". He replied.

"Yeah, well 25 minus 2 is 23".

"I don't understand what

Birkin suddenly took a gun out from under his labcoat, and shot him in the head, making Chris, Jill, and Barry gasp.

"That fucking number". Birkin mumbled to himself as he started walking. "It's everywhere".

"So that's Birkin, huh"? Chris asked. "Oh, well, let's go look somewhere else".

He started to leave, but Jill stopped him.

"Are you nuts"? She asked. "We need to follow him, and find out what's going on".

"Are YOU nuts"? Chris asked. "Didn't you see what he did that guy just now"?

"Now, Chris... I know you aren't dumb enough to question me again".

He gasped and covered his nuts.

"Of course not"! He quickly said. "I'd never question you, PLEASE DON'T HIT ME"!

"Chris, I'm shocked". She replied. "I won't hit you... that's what I have Barry for".

Barry hit him again, sending him down.

"I swear to god"! Chris yelled as he held his head. "If you hit me one more time...

"He's getting away". Jill said. "Come on".

Chris got to his feet, and they followed Birkin until he vanished into a conference room.

"Oh, well". Chris said. "We tried".

"I have an idea". Jill said. "We can go into the bathroom and climb into an air duct, so that we can listen in on the meeting".

"How the hell do you know that"? Chris asked.

"Because it's a classic". "That, and I'm not a complete dumbshit like you".

"Oh yeah".

"Let's move".

They ran to the nearest bathroom, and kicked open a stall.

"WHAT THE FUCK"!? A man yelled. "I'M TRYING TO TAKE A SHIT HERE"!

"Well, take it somewhere else". Jill replied. "Barry, take care of him".

Barry suddenly drew his gun, and blew the man's head off, splattering blood everywhere.

"I meant for you to make him move". Jill continued.

"Oh, ok". Barry replied. "I'll fix it".

He grabbed the body, and tossed it on Chris, who screamed like a girl, and dropped it to the floor.

"Quit screaming". Jill ordered. "The conference room is right next to us, and I need you to boost me up so that I can listen in".

"How do I do that"? Chris asked.

"Just lean over the toilet so that I can stand on your back".

Chris looked at the toilet, and cringed.

"Ewww". He said. "He left a floater".

"Hurry up, Chris". Jill ordered.

"But, there's no lid".

"NOW, YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE BASTARD"!

He slowly leaned over the toilet, and Jill stepped on his back.

"Damn". Jill said as Chris lowered slightly. "Still not high enough".

"BARRY HELP"! Barry screamed as he jumped onto his back, making Chris's head slam into the toilet water.

Chris flailed his arms and legs as Barry boosted Jill up high enough to see and hear the meeting.

"Hold still". Jill whispered as Chris thrashed around. "They're starting".

In the conference room, Jill could see Alexander Ashford, William Birkin, Ada Wong, Brian Iorns, David Hasslehoff, and Weird Al sitting at the table.

"Ok, assholes". Alexander said. "It's time to either prove yourselves useful to me, or die a horrible death LIKE THIS"!

He pushed a button, and suddenly Weird Al's chair tipped backward, making him scream as fire shot up. Then the chair came back up burned, and empty.

"Just a little reminder". Alexander continued. "That this organisation will not tolerate failure".

"But, Sir". Iorns said. "Wierd Al's ratings this year are at an all time hi".

"What, but the chart says... um, uh... ha ha, I was reading the chart upside down, oh well, anyone could have made that mistake". "Now, on to business". "How are things going with the girl"?

"Well". Birkin said. "Yesterday on the 23rd, at 2300 hours, our 23rd attempt to capture her was a complete success". "Unfortionatly my research will take about 23 years to complete, so I'm gonna fuck the shit out of her".

"Why"?

"I don't know, but it sound's like a good idea to me".

"Whatever, but in the meantime, I want a 50 percent increase in the cost of mako energy".

"Sweet, a rate hike". Hasslehoff said. "Can we include my space program in that". "My pilot is threatening to blow this mother up if we don't".

"After your idea to have everyone drive replica's of KITT"? "Fuck no, Iorns and Ada will split the money". "And you can tell Captain Liquid to blow it out his ass". "Meeting adjorned".

Everyone left the room, and Jill jumped down, followed by Barry. Then Chris gasped for air as his head lifted out of the water, and he fell to the floor.

"Oh, god"! He gasped. "I thought I was gonna die down there"!

"Quit clowning around". Jill ordered. "Birkin knows where Rebecca is, so let's follow him".

They ran out of the room, and Chris dragged himself after them.


	19. The Rescue

"It all equals 23". Birkin muttered as he walked to the stairwell. "As a kid I saw The Wizard Of Oz 23 times, I lost my virginity at 23 years old, there are 69 confirmed kills in the Rambo movies and divide that into the three Rambo movies equals 23".

Chris, Jill, and Barry followed him up the stairs, and up one level to a floor with a bunch of lab equipment.

"What is this"? Barry asked.

"A lab storage room of some kind". Jill replied.

Birkin walked over to a large glass container, and looked at what was inside.

"Ah, my little Brown 23". He said.

"That's not my name, dick". Scooby Doo replied.

"Silence"! "Or you will recieve 23 lashes"!

"Whatever, ass".

Birkin continued walking across the room, then he got into an elevator, and went up.

"Let's follow him". Jill said.

"Wait a second". Chris said. "What's that"?

They looked and saw a metal storage container with JENOVA written on top of it. Chris then looked through the view hole, gasped, and threw up in the corner.

"Oh, god"! He gasped once he was done. "It looks like a three year old jello mold"!

"Whatever". Jill said. "Let's follow Birkin before he get's away".

They ran toward the elevator, and began shoving eachother trying to get in first.

"I want to go in first". Chris whined.

"Back off, bitch boy". Jill replied. "I get to go in first".

"Why"?

"Because I'm a lady, that's why".

Chris and Barry stood there for a second, and then started laughing.

"Shut up"! Jill yelled. "Get in the god damn elevator"!

She shoved them inside, and soon it started moving slowly up.

"I wouldn't stand too close to Barry's rear if I were you". Jill warned.

"Why"? Chris asked.

"Because small spaces make him nervous".

Suddenly Barry ripped one, and Chris's face turned green.

"Christ on a cross"! He gasped. "It smells like a carrot cake covered in shit"!

"BARRY FEEL BETTER"! Barry yelled.

A few minutes later the elevator stopped, and the doors opened revealing a lab. And at the center of the lab, Birkin was looking into a large glass container that held Rebecca.

"MUAHAHAHAHA"! Birkin yelled. "Bring up the creature"!

A hole opened inside the container, and Scooby Doo was lifted into it from the floor below.

"What the hell is this shit"? Rebecca asked.

"Well". Birkin explained. "On my 23rd birthday, me and 23 of my college buddies took a trip down to Tiawana, and stood in line for 23 minutes before we got into see a donkey show".

"What the fuck is a donkey show"?

Birkin beckened her closer, and whispered something in her ear that made her gasp.

"You sick fuck"! Rebecca yelled. "You can't be serious"!

"Maybe not"! Jill yelled. "But we are"!

Birkin looked at the walkway, then Chris, Jill, and Barry struck a Charlie's Angels pose.

"Let's go, Angels"! Jill ordered.

They surrounded the container, and Birkin gasped.

"NO"! Birkin yelled. "I've been waiting 23 years for this"!

"GET ME OUT OF HERE"! Rebecca screamed.

"BARRY SMASH"! Barry yelled as he aimed his gun.

NO"! Everyone screamed.

He fired, causing the container to fill up with smoke, and making the door open. But before anyone could react, Scooby Doo leaped on Birkin, pinning him down. Then he grabbed a box of Scooby Snacks, and started cramming them into Birkin's mouth.

"Would you do it for a Scooby Snack"?! He screamed as he shoved more and more into Birkin's mouth. "Would you do it for a Scooby Snack"?! "I'll shove them all down your fucking throat"!

"OH GOD THEY'RE GROSS"! Birkin screamed.

A second later he managed to kick Scooby off of him, and he ran for the door.

"That's it"! Scooby yelled. "Run like a bitch"!

Meanwhile, Chris walked into the container, where Rebecca was.

"Are you ok, Rebecca"? He asked.

She responded by slapping him.

"There, you just got bitch slapped"! She yelled. "How does that make you feel"? "Nothing like showing up at the last minute, huh"? "I swear, you are the worst hero of all time"!

She pushed him aside, and walked out of the container. Then she slammed the door shut.

"Hey"! Chris yelled. "What gives"?

"Let's see how much you like being locked in there for awhile". Rebecca replied. "When you manage to get out, meet us at the elevator 3 floors down".

They started walking away, and Chris pounded on the glass.

"HEY"! He screamed as they left the room. "YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE"!

A second later they were out of sight, and Chris remembered about the sliding trap door inside the container that went to the next floor down.

"HA HA"! He yelled as he grabbed it and pulled. "I'll show them who is smart"! "I'll get to the elevator first, then Jill and Rebecca will be so impressed with my inginuity that they will strip down, and they'll be like, oh Chris we're so impressed with your inginuity that we've stripped down for you, and I'll be like, yeah because I'm sexy like that, and they'll be like OH CHRIS FUCK BOTH OF US, and I'll be like, don't worry bitches because there is plenty of the Chris-meister to go around".

A second later he pulled the trap door open, but then he gasped at what he saw.

"Well, well, look what we have here". The bearded lady said. "GET YOUR ASS IN HERE"!

She grabbed him by the ankles, and he screamed as he was dragged in.


	20. Catch And Release

Chris dove right through the glass container on the lower floor, and ran out of the room as fast as he could.

"Come back anytime"! The bearded lady called after him. "MUAHAHAHAHA"!

He knocked people over as he ran down the hall, then he fell down the stairs, and after a few moments of whining, he got to his feet, and ran into the elevator.

"Oh, thank God". Chris sighed. "Safe at last".

Then as if on cue, someone grabbed him from behind, and slammed his face into the controlls, before pulling him back up.

"Who are you"? Chris asked.

"I'm Bill Goldburg"! He replied. "Of the Turks"! "Now would you be so kind as to push up"?

He suddenly slammed Chris's head into the up button, and the elevator started moving.

A few minutes later the doors opened, and Chris was taken into a large office, where Alexander Ashford was sitting behind his desk. And in front of him was Rebecca, Scooby, Barry, and Jill.

"Well, well". Alexander said. "The gang's all here". "Lock these mother fuckers in the holding cells, pending execution"!

"Hold on a second". Jill replied. "This building has holding cells"?

"Of course, it's standard issue for all evil corporations". "Now if you have anymore questions, please direct them to the nearest brick wall". "TAKE THESE ASSHOLES AWAY"!

They were all dragged out of the room, and tossed into holding cells a few floors down. Barry was tossed in a cell with Scooby, Rebecca was in her own cell, and Chris was tossed in with Jill.

"Well, ain't this just fucking peachful". She said as she laid on the bed. "God, I hate you, Chris".

"You know". Chris said as he sat on the bed. "This could be our last night alive".

She then kicked him in the back, making him fall on the floor.

"Yeah, and you can spend it down there". She replied.

Soon Jill was asleep, so Chris decided to see how the others were doing.

"Hey, Rebecca". Chris called.

"The fuck do you want"? She asked.

"Are you alright"?

"Well let's see... hmm, am I alright"? "Sure, because today I was kidnapped, almost forced into sex with a dog, and now I'm in a jail cell". "I'M JUST FUCKING GREAT"!

"Good to hear it". "I'm glad that you can keep your chin up at times like this".

"Why you little cocksucker"! "If we get out of here, I'm gonna choke the life out of you with my bare hands"!

She continued yelling, and Chris walked over to the other wall. Then he put his ear to it, and listened.

"Hey". Barry said. "I found a milkbone".

"Great". Scooby replied. "I'm starving".

"It's for me, not you". "Find your own".

"But it's dog food". "And that's for me".

"No, it's Barry food, and that's for me".

"GIVE ME THE GOD DAMN MILKBONE"!

There was some growling, and Scooby yelped as if he was punched, then he snarled and it sounded like two dogs were fighting.

"Well, everything seems ok". Chris said as he moved away from the wall. "Time to get some sleep".

He laid on the floor and closed his eyes, but then there was a crashing sound, and he woke up to see that the cell door was open.

"Cool". He said as he stood up. "I must have opened the door with my mind powers while I was asleep". "Who knew that my mind contained such power"?

"God, you're an idiot". Rebecca replied as she appeared in the doorway. "Some guy wearing all black, with a long sword, and high heels killed the guards and opened the doors". "I'm just sorry that he didn't kill you in the process".

"High heels"? "That could have only been Sephiroth"!

"Well, we were going to leave you behind, but since you woke up, you might as well come along". "God knows that we could use a decoy, er I mean bodyguard".

"You can count on me".

He walked out of the cell, and they all began moving down the hall, but they stopped when they saw a trail of blood leading up the stairs.

"Well, let's follow it". Jill said.

"Are you fucking crazy"? Scooby asked. "We've got dead people in the hallway, a psyco running around with a sword, and a trail of blood that is obviously from the psyco's victims". "Now I may not be the smartest being on this earth, but thoes little clues throw up a few red flags in my mind".

"Oh my god, you can talk"!

"No shit, sherlock"! "Now let's get the fuck out of here"!

"Oh fine, you baby's can go ahead and wait on the first floor".

They all started walking toward the elevator, but she stopped Chris.

"Not you". Jill said. "You get to come with me".

"Why do I have to do it"? Chris asked.

"Because I need a bullet shield, and believe it or not, you are the main character of this story".

"Oh yeah, I forgot".

"SO GET YOUR ASS MOVING"!

She pushed him into the stairwell, and all the way back up to the large office, but then Chris screamed at what they saw.

Alexander Ashford was laying dead at his desk with a summer sausage shoved halfway down his throat.

"Well, there's something you don't see every day". Jill said. "Oh well, I guess that's it for shinra".

At that moment a helicopter flew to the landing outside, and someone screamed as they fell out.

"What the hell"? Chris asked.

They walked outside, and watched as a girl in a dress got to her feet.

"Are you alright, miss"? Jill asked.

"I am no miss". Alfred Ashford replied. "I am Alfred, the new president of shinra inc"!

"Why are you wearing a dress"?

"Nevermind that". "Who are you people"?

"I'm Chris, ex-SOLDIER first class"! Chris said.

"I'm Jill, your worst fucking nightmare... but atleast you look better in a dress then Chris did".

"I see...". Alfred continued. "KILL THEM"!

He jumped back onto the helicopter, then Jill, and Chris ran away as it opened fire.


	21. Escape From Midgar

On the first floor of the shinra building, Barry, Rebecca, and Scooby got out of the elevator, and ran for the door.

"Shit"! Scooby yelled, stopping them. "There's shinra guards outside"!

"How many"? Rebecca asked.

"Uh... all of them, I think".

"BARRY SMASH"! Barry screamed as he ran out the door.

Exactly half a second later, bullets from a thousend guns began shattering the windows, and Barry came running back inside.

"BARRY SCARED"! He screamed as he hid behind a piller.

"Well, so much for our big strong thug". Rebecca said. "What the fuck are we supposed to do now"?

"You can start by coming this way". Jill replied as she came out of nowhere. "I have a plan".

They followed her over to some old vehical displays, and sudenly Rebecca noticed something missing.

"Hold on". She said. "Where's Chris"? "Please tell me he died in battle".

"Nope, we're not that lucky". Jill replied. "He's right over there getting a motorcycle ready".

"That's correct"! Chris shouted as he sat on the bike. "My plan is simple, but it will take the grace and coordination that only I can offer". "First I will ride down these stairs, and slam through what is left of the front doors". "Then I will use my sword to disable and or kill every single guard that stands in our way". "Once the guards are dead or begging for mercy, I will escort you guys down the highway to the edge of midgar, where we will escape shinra, and both of you girls will be begging me to fuck you"!

He then started the bike, and hit the throttle. Then he screamed as the bike shot out from under him, making him do a backwards roll and land on his face. As for the bike, it shot out a window, and a second later a car alarm started going off while some people screamed.

"So". Rebecca said. "Should we start begging now or later"? "I AM GONNA BEAT THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF YOU"!

She was about to attack, when more bullets started destroying everything in sight, making everyone dive for cover.

"We need to get out of here"! Scooby yelled.

Chris knew that now was his chance to be a hero and save everyone, so he jumped into the nearest vehical, and started it up.

"Jump in"! He yelled. "We're getting the hell out of here"!

Everyone jumped in, and Chris floored it out of the building.

"I can't believe it"! Jill yelled. "You did something right"! "But what are we gonna do about that roadblock"?

"Relax, baby". Chris replied. "I'll just hit the switch, and use every weapon at our disposal to get out of this mess".

He reached up and pressed a button on the cieling, and then the color drained out of his face as music started playing.

They had stolen an ice cream truck.

"YOU FUCKING IDIOT"! Jill screamed as she started choking him. "A WHOLE ROOM FULL OF ARMORED CARS, AND YOU GET THE GOD DAMN ICE CREAM TRUCK"!?

The choking caused Chris to pull the wheel to the side, making the truck do a barrel roll right over the roadblock, and land upright.

"That's better". She said as she released him. "Now get us out of here".

A few minutes later he had caught his breath, and all looked well as they drove down the highway.

"So, Jill". Chris said. "How about a little road head as a show of thanks for saving your sweet ass back there"?

She smiled for a second, and then headbutted him, making the truck swerve for a second.

"How was that"? She asked. "Never had head like that before, huh"? "Now maybe if you are a good boy and get us out of midgar alive, I might not have to snap your dick off".

"Uh, guys". Scooby suddenly said.

"What"? Jill asked.

"THEY'RE STILL AFTER US"!

They looked, and saw a helicopter coming toward them. There was no time to react as it opened fire, making the tires explode, and causing the truck to flip over. It slid for a ways, until it came screeching to a hault right at the edge of the highway.

The helicopter then landed, and the T-1000 got out. He looked at the truck for a second, before ripping the door off, and dragging Chris out.

"Please don't kill me"! Chris screamed as he was slammed up against the truck. "I don't wanna die yet"! "NOOOOOOOOO"!

The T-1000 turned his fist into a spike, and Chris screamed like a girl... but then the T-1000 looked at him for a second, and turned the spike back into a fist before dropping Chris.

"Sorry". T-1000 said. "Wrong truck". "You folks have a nice day".

He turned and walked back to the helicopter, then he flew away as Chris jumped to his feet.

"You guys can come out now". He said in his manly voice. "I scared him off, but if you are afraid, feel free to hold onto me".

"BARRY SCARED"! Barry screamed as he tackled Chris.

"Scared him off, huh"? Rebecca asked as they climbed out of the truck. "Unless he was afraid of people begging for mercy, I doubt it".

"Well, atleast we got away". Scooby said. "Thanks for the rescue, but I have to go back to my home town, so see ya".

"Hold on". Jill said. "None of us can stay here since we are all wanted crimminals now, and we all have our reasons for leaving, so we should travel togather".

"Get this freak off of me"! Chris screamed.

"Barry, down"!

Barry then moved away from Chris, and went back over to Jill.

"Now, as I was saying". Jill continued as Chris got up. "We all have reasons to leave midgar". "Chris needs to find Sephiroth so that he can meet a grusome end, er, uh so that they can settle up with eachother". "Scooby has to go home, I haven't made out with Rebecca yet, and Rebecca, well... yeah, whatever". "So, let's use this convieniently placed rope to get to the ground, and continue our adventure".

"How do we know that the rope is long enough"? Chris asked.

Jill suddenly tied the end of the rope around Chris's waist, and pushed him over the edge. He screamed for a few seconds, and then there was a thud.

"It's long enough"! Chris called. "Ow, I'm on my keys"!

Everyone climbed down, and soon the group was gathered right outside midgar.

"Hey, Scooby"? Chris asked. "How did you do that"?

"Do what"? Scooby replied.

"Climb down the rope". "I mean, you don't have any apposable thumbs".

Scooby stopped for a second.

"I don't know". He replied.

"Alright, enough of the bullshit". Jill said. "Let's head for kalm village so that we can get some weed and figure out what the hell is going on".

They agreed, and started walking away from midgar.


	22. Welcome To Kalm

After walking a short distance across the rocky cliffs that surounded midgar, everyone was surprised to be suddenly surrounded by green grass, and to see the blue sky again.

"This can only mean one thing". Jill said as she looked around.

"A PLANET WHERE APES EVOLVED FROM MAN"?! Barry screamed.

"Um... no".

"That we should have never moved to french polynesia"? Chris asked.

"What the fuck, Chris"? "We lived in midgar".

"Maybe that's what they wanted us to think".

"Shut up, all of you"! Scooby yelled. "Jill meant that the area around midgar and every shinra reactor is dying". "But the fact that there is still mostly green around the world means that there is still hope to save the planet".

"Man". Rebecca said. "I still can't believe that dog can talk".

"He's right". Jill replied. "The world is slowly dying, and it's all shinra's fault". "Hell, I'm almost as sure that it's shinra's fault as I am that that's an anaconda right there".

Suddenly Chris screamed as the giant snake grabbed him, and pulled him away.

"Oh, well". She continued. "Kalm village shouldn't be too much farther, and we can sort this all out when we get there".

They started walking, but Rebecca stopped, and looked back.

"Chris"! She yelled. "Will you stop fucking around for a minute, and get your ass over here"?

The snake then spit him out, and he rolled to a stop next to Rebecca.

"Um, hi". He said.

She responded by kicking him in the ribs.

"Hurry up"! She ordered as she walked away.

He pulled himself to his feet, and joined the others. Soon some buildings came into view, and a few minutes later they walked into Kalm Village.

"Hold it right there". A town guard said as he stepped in front of them. "You guys are new here, so I need your group leader to hear the rules, and the rest of you can wait in the hotel".

"Did we ever decide who our leader is, guys"? Chris asked as he turned around. "Guys"?

Everyone was already gone.

"Aw, damn it"! He yelled as he turned back toward the town guard.

"Alright, newcomer". The guard continued. "Now in order to make you understand the rules, we are not only going to tell you them, but we will also show you why they're not allowed".

"Uh, alright". "I guess that makes sense".

"You bet your ass it does". "Now Kalm village is a peaceful community, and we want to keep it that way". "So there is no spitting".

The guard suddenly spit in Chris's face.

"What the fuck"?! Chris yelled.

"No hitting". The guard continued.

He then punched Chris in the stomach, making him stumble forward.

"Oh, Jesus"! Chris gasped.

"And most importantly". The guard continued. "No armed robbery".

He drew his gun, and put it to Chris's head.

"Give me all your god damn money"! He yelled.

"You've got to be kidding". Chris replied.

The guard aimed down, and shot the ground between Chris's feet, making him jump.

"Does it sound like I'm joking, bitch"? The guard asked. "Give me all of your gil, or I'll splatter the road with your brains"!

"But, I'm broke"! "Batman and Superman took my money yesterday"!

"Oh, I get it". "You're a fucking deadbeat, huh"? "I'm just trying to do my job, and you bring your goofy looking non money carrying ass to my town just to laugh in my face"!

Chris was about to say something, but the guard hit him in the mouth with his gun, knocking him on his ass.

"OH, THAT IS IT"! Chris screamed as he jumped to his feet and drew his sword. "I AM SO GOD DAMN SICK OF PEOPLE HITTING ME WITH GUNS, AND NOW YOU'RE GONNA PAY"!

Suddenly there was alot of clicking and cocking sounds, and Chris looked up to see that every villager in sight had a gun pointed at his head.

"I forgot to tell you why this town is so safe". The guard continued. "It's because every man woman and child in Kalm village is packing heat, and are more then willing to gun people down for the slightest offence".

Chris smiled, and put his sword away. Then the villagers lowered their guns and went about their business.

"Well, introduction is complete". The guard said as he holstered his gun. "Have a pleasent stay in Kalm village, and don't worry, because we can't arrest you for pissing yourself".

Chris looked down, and quickly put his hands over the wet spot on his pants.

"So, uh". Chris said. "Can I go now"?

"Sure can, pissy pants". The guard replied. "See you around".

The guard walked away, and Chris quickly ran into the hotel.

"Ah, you must be Chris". The man at the desk said.

"Uh, yeah". Chris replied.

"Your party is upstairs, waiting on you".

"Thanks".

"Just a second, they left a message".

He then reached under the desk, grabbed a mousetrap, and tossed it, making Chris scream as it snapped on his ear.

"Chris, you better hurry the fuck up"! The man yelled. "Or the next one will be on your nuts"! "Anyway, that was the message, so bye, bye".

Chris then pulled the mousetrap off of his ear, and ran up the stairs.


	23. The Good Old Days

Chris reached the second floor, and walked into the room where everyone was waiting.

"Well, it's about fucking time". Rebecca said as he walked in. "Did you have fun outside, maybe see some sites, or stop for a drink at the bar"? "It's fun to keep your friends waiting, huh, ass"?

"What"? Chris asked.

"Don't listen to her". Scooby said. "She just missed you, that's all".

"Really"?

"Yeah". Rebecca replied. "Maybe I should get a scope".

"All of you, shut up". Jill said. "It's story time".

"STORY TIME"! Barry screamed as he jumped up and down. "I want to hear the one about when the guys from Dragonball Z crashed Sailor Moon's wedding"!

"What"? Chris asked.

"Nevermind him". Jill continued. "We all want to hear about this thing with you and Sephiroth".

"Uh, ok".

"I think I'd rather hear the one Barry was talking about". Rebecca whispered.

"It was nothing special". Scooby whispered back. "Goku turns super saiyan while fucking Sailor Venus, and Sailor Moon ends up growing a dick".

"Well, now I just have to see it".

"Ya'll shut the fuck up"! Jill yelled. "Story time, ready go"!

"Ok, let's see". Chris said. "I guess it started a few years ago when I was still in SOLDIER, and we had been sent to Nibelhelm on an important mission".

(FLASHBACK).

The large shinra truck flew down the road, swerving all over as it headed toward Nibelhelm. In the back, Sephiroth sat against some boxes, while Chris was doing squats, and the rookie shinra soldier was trying not to puke.

"So, what are we gonna do today, Sephiroth"? Chris asked.

"The same thing we do everyday". Sephiroth replied. "Try to take over the, er, um, I mean we are heading to Nibelhelm to investigate a reactor that seems to be producing monsters". "But that's all hum drum shit if you ask me, because I really volunteered us for this mission so that I could buy some new high heels". "My old ones are worn, see"?

He raised his foot, revealing his worn black heels and fish net stockings.

"Yeah". Chris replied. "You could use a new pair". "So what are we gonna do for the hours until we reach town"?

Suddenly the truck swerved to the right, making the rookie scream as he was thrown against the wall while Chris and Sephiroth grabbed a rope to keep balance.

"Jesus, who is driving this thing"? Chris asked.

"Some second rate shinra pilot". Sephiroth replied. "The one who fucked up the space program, I think his name was Liquid".

Suddenly the truck came to a screeching hault, making the rookie once again go airborne. Then the front viewhole slid open, and the driver looked back at them.

"Who spoke my name without fear"? Liquid asked as he lifted the goggles off his eyes.

"I did". Sephiroth replied. "What are you gonna do about it"?

"I'm gonna take another swig of Jose Quervo, and increase our chances of dying in a wreck, that's what I'm gonna do, you dress wearing pansey".

"I am not wearing a dress". "What do you think I am, some kind of homo"?

"No, because a guy that wears high heels and stockings is obviously streight, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK"?!

Liquid then slammed the viewhole closed, and a second later the truck started moving again.

"I'm bored again". Chris said.

"So pick on the new guy". Sephiroth replied. "I'm going to sleep".

Chris smiled, and waisted no time in kicking the rookie's box out from under him, making him scream as he hit the floor.

"BITCH"! Chris screamed. "You are now a member of shinra's finest clean up crew, NOW GET ON YOUR FEET"!

The rookie jumped up, but Chris pushed him back down.

"Not fast enough"! Chris yelled. "Don't make me take off my belt"!

The rookie jumped up again.

"Well". Chris said. "Glad to see that you could join us". "What the fuck do they teach you kids in basic training these days, because it's obviously not how to be a soldier".

"I'm sorry, Sir"! The rookie yelled.

"Damn right you're sorry". "You must be the sorriest piece of shit that I've ever had the misfortion of working with in my entire life, and now you must pay the peanlty"!

Chris then punched the rookie in the mouth, knocking him down, and then he began stomping him while the rookie begged for mercy.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Now hold on just a god damn second". Scooby said. "I've seen you in action, so either something made you retarded between then and now, or you are a god damn lier".

"Shhh". Rebecca said. "This is good".

"Ok, now where was I"? Chris asked. "Oh yeah, then the monster attacked".

(FLASHBACK)

After a few more minutes of stomping, Chris stopped.

"Look at this sissy boy". Chris said. "He fucking pissed himself again, and now I bet he wants to go home, huh"?

"Ease up on the new guy". Sephiroth replied. "It's not his fault that he's a bitch-ass momma's boy".

Suddenly there was a loud roar, and the truck cut hard to the right as if to avoid something, before coming to a stop.

"Alright boys". Sephiroth said as he stood up. "There is a monster outside, and it's our job to fuck him up".

Chris opened the door, and the three of them jumped out. A second later a huge dragon jumped into view, and roared, making the rookie scream and faint.

A second later the truck peeled out as Liquid hit the gas.

"What the fuck"?! Chris yelled as the truck took off in the other direction.

"Sorry, boys"! Liquid called back as he took another swig. "I'm not paid enough for this shit, HAHAHAHAHA"!

"That little bastard". Sephiroth said as the truck vanished. "Alright, it looks like we're walking from here on in, but first we have a dragon to kill".

"Hells yeah, we do"! Chris yelled as they drew their swords. "LET'S KICK HIS ASS"!

They screamed as they rushed the dragon, and after a few seconds the beast was laying dead on the side of the road.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Yeah, thoes were the days". Chris said.

"You are so full of shit". Scooby said.

"But things didn't get interesting until we arrived in Nibelhelm".


	24. Hometown Revisited

"Now where was I"? Chris asked. "Oh yeah, Nibelhelm". "I hadn't been there in years".

(FLASHBACK)

"Let's go". Sephiroth said as he and Chris walked into town. "Hurry the fuck up, rookie"!

A few seconds later the rookie slowly walked into town, carrying the bags.

"This is your hometown, isn't it"? Sephiroth asked.

"Yeah". Chris replied.

"It must be nice to have to have family and friends waiting for you". "I wouldn't know because I don't have a hometown".

"What about your parents"?

"Well, my mother's name was Jenova but she died when I was born". "She was also a dirty whore, so I don't know my father". "Anyway, let's move on".

They walked into town, and everyone kept their distance.

"Watch out guys". A villager said. "This one looks like a stone cold killer".

"That's right, worm". Chris replied. "So you better watch your ass or I'll kill the men, fuck the shit out of the women, and eat the children". "NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE AHHHHHHHHHHHHH"!

The people scattered, and the three of them walked into the inn.

"Hurry up, rookie". Chris said as the rookie slowly carried the bags up to the room. "This ain't no pleasure cruise, sweetheart".

A few minutes later the rookie dropped the bags in the room, and stood there trying to catch his breath.

"Alright". Sephiroth said. "We don't start our mission till tomorrow, so you may visit your family and friends".

"Then the joke's on you". The rookie replied. "I don't have any friends".

Chris then slammed his foot into the rookie's nuts, and laughed as he fell to the floor crying.

"I'm outa here". Chris said as he turned away. "I got shit to do".

He walked out of the inn, and headed down the street toward the last house where a slightly younger Jill was standign outside.

"Hey, sexy". Chris said as he walked up to her.

"Well, hello". Jill said as she looked him up and down.

"You know, you have really nice tits, so I'll tell you what". "You are gonna lead me into your bedroom, and I'm gonna fuck the shit out of you". "How does that sound"?

"Sounds good to me".

He followed her into the house, then after about an hour of screaming and things breaking, he walked back out.

"You're welcome, baby". Chris said as he finished buttoning his uniform.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Jesus Christ". Scooby said. "When you shovel it, you use both hands, huh"? "I mean, how do you expect any of us to believe a word of this nonsense"?

"I'm not even gonna respond to this". Jill said.

"Quiet"! Rebecca yelled. "I want to hear this".

"Alright". Chris continued. "After I had finished giving Jill the ride of her life, I decided to see if my mother was still alive".

(FLASHBACK)

Chris walked into his old house, and found his mother standing there.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in". She said. "3 years without so much as a postcard, and now you just show up like nothing happened"? "GET THE FUCK OUT"!

She tossed a vase at him, shattering it on the wall next to his head, and he took this as his cue to leave.

"Well". Chris said as he walked away from the house. "Good to see that mom hasn't changed one bit".

He was about to go back to the inn, but instead he walked back into Jill's house, and after another hour of screaming and things breaking, he walked back out.

"Yep". He said as he walked away. "Come on, all the ladies say, whoop there is it"! "Come on, all the fellas say, whoop there it is"!

He walked back into the inn just after sunset, and found Sephiroth looking out the second floor window at the moon.

"Sometimes, I think". Sephiroth sang. "When I look up real high". "There is such a big world out there, and I'd like to give it a try". "But then I sink, because it's here I'm supposed to stay". "But I get so lonely down here, tell my why it has to be this way".

"Up there". Chris sang. "There is so much room, where babies burp and flowers bloom". "Everyone dreams, I can dream too". "Up there where the skies are ocean blue, I could stay safe and live without a care, up there".

"They say I don't belong, that I must stay below alone". "Because of my beliefs I'm supposed to stay where evil is sown". "But what is evil anyway"? "What is the reason to the rhyme"? "Without evil there can be no good, so it must be good to be evil sometime".

"Up there, there is so much room". "Where babies burp and flowers bloom". "Everyone dreams, I can dream too". "Up there where the skies are ocean blue, I could stay safe and live without a care".

"Live without a care". They both sang. "If only I could live up there"! "I wanna live, I wanna live, ooh baby ooh, I want to live up there"!

"Alright, time for some sleep". Sephiroth said. "And if you tell anyone that we did a duet, I'll kill you".

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Wow, Chris". Jill said. "All I can say is, wow".

"BARRY CONFUSED"! Barry screamed. "God, it's making my head hurt"!

"What does any of this have to do with our current mission"? Scooby asked. "So you claim to have once been manly, gotten laid, and did a duet with an evil psycopath". "Could you kindly get to the point"?

"Why hurry"? Rebecca asked. "I find this very entertaining, even if it is a crock of shit".

"Anyway". Chris continued. "We stayed the night in that inn, and made the rookie pull guard all night". "It was priceless when he found out that he had to stay awake all night".

"WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING"?! Scooby screamed.

"I was getting to that". "The real adventure started the next morning when we began our mission".


	25. To The Reactor

"Now, we got up early the next morning". Chris continued. "Sephiroth had hired a guide to take us up to the reactor since our driver left us high and dry".

(FLASHBACK)

"Hurry up, rookie". Chris ordered as they left the inn. "God, you're so worthless that your name doesn't even get a capital letter at the front of it".

"Sorry, Sir". The rookie replied as they walked toward Sephiroth.

"Now look here, son". Jill's dad said. "I only agreed to let her do this because of how much money you're offering". "But I want her returned safely".

"My good man". Sephiroth replied. "Have you ever had a pair of high heels shoved up your ass"?

"Hey"! Chris interupted. "Is Jill gonna be our guide"? "That is awesome, because now after the mission is finished I don't have to walk all the way back here to get a piece of ass".

"What do you mean by that"? Jill's dad asked angrily.

"I mean that I fucked your daughter twice yesterday, and I'm gonna keep fucking her until we leave". "And now, just because you questioned me...

Chris suddenly kicked him in the nuts, and pushed him to the ground. Then he laughed and gave Sephiroth a high five.

"Come on, guys". The rookie said. "You can't treat people this way". "Shouldn't we be trying to win the hearts and minds of the people so that they learn to trust us"?

Chris and Sephiroth looked at him for a second, and then they started laughing.

"Good one, rookie". Chris said. "I'm not even gonna beat your ass for that one". "Now let's move out".

"Hold on a sec"! Another man called. "Can I get a photo of you guys for our newspaper"?

"Sure". Sephiroth replied. "I just love a good photo op".

"Whatever". Chris said. "Just make sure you get me with my hand on the girl's ass".

"We really shouldn't, guys". The rookie argued. "Remember the regulations about the media".

"BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS"! Chris and Sephiroth screamed.

A few seconds later the photo was taken, and then Jill lead them up the winding path into the mountains. Soon they came to a rope bridge.

"Be careful of this bridge". Jill warned as they stepped onto it. "If the wind catches you right, it will knock you off, and your head will smash on the rocks like corn beef hash".

They got about halfway across, when the wind picked up, making the rookie clamp onto the side ropes. Chris and Sephiroth snickered at this, and began rocking the bridge back and forth, making the rookie scream as he held on for dear life.

"Oh no". Chris said sarcastically. "The bridge is swaying in the wind, whatever should we do"?

"Hang on tight, rookie". Sephiroth warned. "Whatever you do, don't fall down". "That would break my fucking heart".

"Guys, stop"! Jill yelled as she hung on. "This bridge is old and could break at any

At that exact second the rope snapped, and they all screamed as they fell toward an almost certain death. But it turns out that the bridge was only about 20 feet off the ground, so they got away with only minor injurys, mostly because the rookie broke their fall.

For all of them.

"Well, that fucking sucked". Chris said as they got up. "I can't believe that just happened".

"I warned you about the bridge". Jill replied. "So guess who's fault this is"?

"Well, it's not mine". Sephiroth said. "Because I outrank you".

"True". Chris said. "I also can't blame Jill because she might not sleep with me if I do". "And I can't blame myself, because in my eye, I can do no wrong". "That leaves only the rookie"!

"Yeah, if he hadn't been such a coward, we wouldn't have wanted to pick on him, and the bridge wouldn't have collapsed like that". "SO LET'S KICK THE SHIT OUT OF THIS ASSHOLE"!

"Huh"? The rookie asked as he was starting to get up.

Chris and Sephiroth ran over to him, and began stomping and kicking him for a few minutes.

"There". Chris said as they stopped. "Lesson learned, but if you ever do anything like that again, I will be forced to fuck you up". "Now on your feet, let's get out of here".

They walked along the clifside, and entered a cave, when they found a strange glowing object.

"Hey". Jill said. "It's a materia fountain". "This is a very rare thing indeed, and most people hold them sacred".

"Yeah, whatever". Sephiroth replied as he walked over to it. "This will do nicely".

There was a zipping sound, and a stream of yellow water began flowing into the fountain.

"Christ, Sephiroth"! Jill yelled. "Have you no shame"?

"Hey, now". Sephiroth replied. "When you gotta go, you gotta go".

He finished, and they resumed walking upward toward another opening higher up the mountain.

"Not much further now". Jill said as she looked back. "Oh my god, are you guys for real"?

Chris and Sephiroth were sitting on the rookie's back, while he crawled up the cave.

"What"? Sephiroth asked. "We need our strength for the upcoming dangers".

"What dangers"? She asked.

"That is classified". Chris replied. "HURRY THE FUCK UP, ROOKIE"!

They finally reached the opening, and found themselves right outside of the reactor.

"Well, that's convienient". Chris said as they got up.

Meanwhile the rookie collapsed from exaustion, but since shinra doesn't leave fallen comrades, Sephiroth kicked him in the ribs, waking him up.

"Jesus, rookie". He said. "Wake the hell up"! "I need you to watch the girl while we go into the reactor".

"I'm going with you". Jill protested.

"No you aren't".

"Why not"?

"Because a woman's place is in the home". "Yeah, you heard me right, but what can you do about it, little girl"?

Jill gritted her teeth for a second, and then she turned and kicked the rookie in the nuts, dropping him.

"Damn". Chris said. "What brought that on"?

"Well, you two could probably kill me". Jill replied. "But this guy's a wimp and I have to take my anger out on someone".

"Fair enough". Sephiroth said. "Let's go inside".

Jill and the rookie stayed outside, while Chris and Sephiroth went in.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"So"? Scooby asked. "Did you become a wimp slowly over time, or was it done over night"?

"You think that's wild"? Chris asked. "Wait till you hear what happened inside the reactor".


	26. A Shinra Secret

"Oh, my fucking god"! Scooby yelled. "How much more of this bullshit do we have to listen to"?

"Like I was saying". Chris continued. "Jill and the rookie stayed outside, while me and Sephiroth went inside to investigate".

(FLASHBACK)

"I spy something grey". Chris said as they climbed down a ladder.

"Grey, what kind of shit is that"? Sephiroth asked. "Half of the shit in here is grey".

"Don't be a spoil sport". "I won the last round, so you have to guess".

"Alright, is it the wall"?

"My god, how do you do it"? "It's like you can read my mind".

"Yeah, it's a talent". "Think of any word, and I'll tell you what it is".

They reached the bottom of the ladder, and started walking toward the core.

"Ok". Chris said. "I'm thinking of a word, and it's not kitty".

"It's kitty"! Sephiroth yelled.

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD"!

"Hold it, we're here".

Chris looked, and they had in fact reached the core. So they walked inside, and saw rows of mako containers leading up the stairs, where JENOVA was written above a sealed door.

"So, the monsters have been coming from here, huh"? Sephiroth asked. "Close that valve while I take a look in this tank".

Chris walked over to one of the containers, and reached for the valve, but suddenly the door came loose, and there was a roaring sound as a large scary arm grabbed Chris by the collar.

In a flash he drew his sword, lopped off the arm, and resealed the door. Then he closed the valve, and walked over to Sephiroth.

"That was close, huh"? Sephiroth asked. "It's a good thing you got thoes cat like reflexes".

"Yeah, I know". Chris replied. "Cat like reflexes, and balls of solid steel are how I live my life".

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Cat like reflexes, huh"? Scooby asked. "I've seen molasses in january that moves faster then you do".

"Molasses is good on pancakes". Barry said as he started drooling.

"Will you two shut up"? Rebecca asked. "It may be bullshit, but I want to know how it ends".

"Ok, where was I"? Chris asked. "Oh yeah, the core".

(FLASHBACK)

"Take a look at this shit". Sephiroth said as he looked into the container's view hole. "If you think the arm is scary, wait till you see the face".

Sephiroth stepped aside, and Chris looked at the hidious creature inside the tank.

"My god". Chris said. "It's face looks a bit like Joe Peshi". "Ha, imagine what a completed one would look like".

At that moment another tank burst open, and to their horror, standing there was none other then Joe Peshi.

"NO"! Sephiroth screamed. "THIS ABOMINATION MUST NOT REACH THE SURFACE"!

They screamed as they rushed Joe Peshi, and a second later he was dead.

"That was close". Chris said. "Oh well, mission acomplished". "Let's go home".

Sephiroth just stood there for a second.

"I just had a thought". He said. "What if I was created this way"?

"Nonsense". Chris replied. "You look nothing like Joe Peshi".

"Look up there, my mother's name is written over the door"!

"So what, my mother's name is written on hundreds of bathroom stalls".

Sephiroth suddenly screamed as he drew his sword, and began slashing the containers for a few minutes. Then he screamed again, and ran out of the reactor.

"Some people are so sensitive". Chris said as he walked out of the core. "Poor guy needs to get laid".

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Sephiroth ran all the way back to town". Chris explained. "But the most impressive thing is that he did it in heels". "We are not dealing with your average joe here".

"GET TO THE POINT"! Scooby yelled.

"Anyway, he locked himself in our room at the inn for days, leaving me with nowhere to stay". "Hell, I had to burn the rookie's extra clothes just to keep warm on the nights that I didn't spend with Jill".

"Oh, my god". Jill said. "Where do you come up with this stuff"?

"Then one day Sephiroth left the inn, and went into the old Shinra mansion". "I didn't much care about that, but after a few hours, we got curious".

(FLASHBACK)

"Ok, rookie". Chris said as they walked through the mansion. "I'm going down into the basement to find Sephiroth". "You are to stand guard up here, and act as a distraction for all of the ghosts".

"Ghosts"?! The rookie exclaimed.

"Yes, ghosts". "What did you expect to find in a haunted mansion, a k-mart blue light special"?

"Well, um, when will you be back"?

"Up front time estimation"? "What the hell do you think this is, that new GM good wrench service plus"?

He then kicked the rookie in the nuts, and walked down the stairs as he fell to his knees. A few seconds later the rookie was on his feet, and looking around nerviously.

"I... I'm brave". The rookie said to himself. "Ain't no ghost gonna get the drop on this shinra soldier because I'll be like, don't move bitches because I'm a hardcore shinra soldier, and they'll be like, oh no we're scared, and I'll be like, too late to run so now I'm gonna kick your ghostly asses, and they'll be like, oh no please don't kick our ghostly asses".

"So". A voice said behind him. "We got us a tough guy, huh"?

Suddenly three ghosts grabbed the rookie, and he screamed like a girl as they took him away.

Meanwhile, Chris had reached the basement, and was just walking into the library where Sephiroth had knocked all the books off their shelves.

"Hey, Sephiroth". Chris said as he walked in. "Are you ok"?

"Ok"? Sephiroth replied. "I drank 5 cans of red bull, and read this entire library in less then 6 hours". "I don't think that I'll ever sleep again".

"Wow, that's pretty impressive". "Did you learn anything interesting"?

"Hell yeah, I did". "I learned that Oswald acted alone, I discovered the secret recipe for Coca Cola, and I also learned that my mother was supposed to rule the world but was stopped by your asshole ancesters".

"Uh, wanna run that last one by me again"?

"My mother Jenova was supposed to rule the world, but the humans killed her, AND NOW I'M GONNA BURN THIS VILLAGE TO THE GROUND"!

Sephiroth suddenly became a blur as he ran past Chris, and back upstairs.

"What a momma's boy". Chris said as he started after him.

He ran down the hall, and back upstairs, where he found the rookie hovering in the air while the ghosts hit him with sticks.

"Quit fucking around, rookie"! Chris yelled as he headed for the door. "We have to stop Sephiroth"!

"COME BACK"! The rookie screamed. "YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME HERE"!

(FLASHFORWARD)

"What the hell"? Scooby asked. "You finally get to something interesting, and you have a flashforward"?

"I must warn you". Chris explained. "The rest of this story is not for the faint of heart".

Barry suddenly drew his gun, and shoved it into Chris's mouth.

"STORYTELLER FINISH"! Barry screamed. "OR I'LL BLOW YOUR GOD DAMN HEAD OFF"!

"Alright"! Chris yelled as Barry put his gun away. "You won't believe that shit that happened next".


	27. Story Ends Adventure Begins

"Anyway". Chris continued. "So I ran outside and to my horror, THE WHOLE VILLAGE WAS ON FIRE"!

(FLASHBACK)

"What the hell happened"? Chris asked as he ran over to a survivor.

"That asshole friend of yours"! The survivor yelled. "That's what fucking happened"!

Chris was about to ask something else, but then there was a scream, and he looked down the road and saw Sephiroth slashing people left and right with his sword.

"Get away from me, you freaks"! Sephiroth screamed. "I know what you want, but you'll never get your hands on my new heels"!

He cut down another person, and then took off running down the path to the mountain.

"Are you guys ok"? Chris asked as he ran over to them.

One man was missing a foot, and the other had no left arm.

"Man, this sucks". The footless man said. "These were new boots, too".

"Hey, I know". The armless man replied. "Let's go get a cold refreshing Mike's Hard Lemonade".

"You got it"! "TO THE TAVERN"! "...um, I can't walk, can you help me"?

"Don't look at me". "I don't have any arms".

"Oh, it's just a flesh wound, you pussy"!

Chris decided that they were ok, and ran down the mountain trail in the hopes of catching Sephiroth before anyone else got hurt.

Down the path he ran, then up the cliffs, across the bridge, and to the reactor's front door. There he promptly fell over from exaustion, and it was another 15 minutes before he was able to get to his feet, and go inside.

He ran up the stairs, and as he climbed down the ladder, he saw Jill knelt down beside her dead father. He was tied up, with a summer sausage shoved halfway up his ass.

"Why did you have to die"?! Jill yelled.

"I'm not dead"! He gasped.

"Sephiroth did this to you, didn't he"?! "I swear to avenge your death"!

"Not dead, just in alot of pain"! "For the love of god, pull the sausage out"!

"Oh, father, it's almost like I can still hear your voice"! "I know that your spirit won't rest until Sephiroth is dead"!

"Forget my spirit"! "My body won't rest until SOMEONE PULLS OUT THE FUCKING SAUSAGE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD"!

Jill then grabbed her father's sword, and ran toward the core just as Chris was reaching the bottom of the ladder.

"OH GOD, HELP ME"! Jill's dad screamed. "DO SOMETHING TO STOP THIS HORRIBLE NAGGING PAIN IN MY ASS"!

Chris then ripped a piece off of his sleeve, and used it to tie a gag around Jill's father's mouth.

"There". Chris said as he finished it. "I feel better already".

Meanwhile, Jill entered the core just as Sephiroth was reaching the JENOVA door. So she ran at him, and swung the sword, but unfortionatly it had been made in china, so the blade fell off as she pulled back, leaving her holding the hilt.

"Oh, shit". She said as she looked at it. "I don't suppose that we can talk about this"?

Sephiroth responded by kicking her in the chest, sending her rolling down the stairs just as Chris was walking in.

"Jill"! Chris yelled as he ran to her. "What happened"?

"I'm so glad you're here"! She replied. "I knew that my strong and manly super stud with balls of steel would come to save me"!

"That's right, baby". "Now sit tight, cause daddy's got some ass kicking to dish out"!

(FLASHFORWARD)

"You are so full of shit that...". Scooby began. "...No, you know what, I'm just gonna let that one go". "Please continue".

"Thanks". Chris replied. "Anyway, Jill was laying at the bottom of the stairs, and Sephiroth had entered the JENOVA room, so I naturally followed".

(FLASHBACK)

"SEPHIROTH"! Chris screamed as he ran into the JENOVA room.

"Look mother". Sephiroth said to Jenova. "These mother fuckers think that they can just come up in here and rain on my parade". "Well, I've got some bad news bears for him"!

Sephiroth drew his sword, and Chris raised his.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"And they all lived happily ever after". Chris explained. "The end".

"You've got to be kidding". Rebecca replied. "You can't just end a story like that"! "It's almost as bad of an ending as the remake of Planet Of The Apes"!

"Nothing was THAT bad". Jill replied.

"Yeah, you're right... but still, how can you end something like that"?

"That's all I got". Chris replied. "I can't remember what happened from then on, but I'm still alive so I must assume that I won".

"And I must assume that you need to be beaten and shot". "God, I just lost 4 hours of my life that I will never get back".

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT EVERYONE IS YELLING ABOUT"! Barry screamed.

"It's not my fault". Chris argued. "I can't tell you what I don't know".

"Don't give me that". Scooby replied. "You are a master at making up bullshit".

"LOUD NOISES"! Barry screamed.

Suddenly a frying pan came flying out of nowhere, and slammed into Chris's head, knocking him on his ass.

"Alright, you loud ass mother fuckers"! The inn keeper yelled. "I've had it up to here with your non quiet being asses, so guess what"? "That's right, all of you get your shit, AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY INN"!

He ran at them, and after a few seconds of things breaking, and lots of screaming, the entire group was dragged to the door and literaly booted to the curb.

"AND STAY OUT"! He screamed as he slammed the door.

"Good job, Chris". Rebecca said. "Way to get us thrown out on our asses".

"Alright, enough bickering". Jill said. "Let's just get the fuck out of here".

They started getting up, and Rebecca made it a point to "accidently" stomp on Chris's hand as hard as she could, making him scream like a bitch. A few minutes later they walked out of Kalm village to further their adventure.


	28. Exploring The Countryside

"I have a question". Chris said as they walked away from Kalm. "Does anyone here have even the slightest idea where we are going"?

"Yeah". Jill replied. "We are going, um... uh, um, this way". "Yeah, that's it". "We are definatly headed this way". "And you were so scared".

"Jill's so smart". Barry said.

"You guys are all basket cases". Scooby added. "I tell you, there's idiots, there's retards, and then there's you guys".

"Ok, mister smarty... smart, smart". Rebecca replied. "What the hell do you know, anyway"? "You're a fucking dog".

"I know that in high school you slept with the janitor".

Everyone gasped and looked at her.

"How did you know that"? Rebecca demanded.

"I didn't". Scooby replied. "I accuse everyone of that". "Man, I can't believe that I was actually right".

She was about to say something else, but suddenly there was an engine roar, and a dozen men on ATV's came flying over the hill. A few seconds later they formed a circle around the group, and killed the engines.

"Halt"! Their leader yelled. "This is our territory, and you shall go no further without paying the price"!

"Who are you"? Chris asked. "And what do you mean by stopping us here"?

"I am Mad Max". "Me and my band of roadway warriors rule these streets with an iorn fist". "We are so hard core that not only will we kill mother fuckers for a tank of gas, but we have been known to stampede women and rape cattle... er, I mean stampede cattle and rape women".

"So what do you want with us"? Jill asked.

"We want money". "So hand it over or we'll be forced to do things like this".

He snapped his fingers, and one of his man tied a rope around Chris's ankles. Then he tied the other end to his ATV, and hit the gas, making Chris scream as he hit the ground and was dragged around.

"Ok, that's enough". Mad Max said. "Bring him back".

The ATV came to a stop right where it had started, and Chris started wiping the dirt off his face.

"Why does it always happen to me"? Chris asked.

"No one questions me"! Mad Max yelled. "Take him around again".

Chris screamed as the ATV fired up, and he was again dragged around.

"Hey, wait a second". Rebecca said. "I recognise you".

"You do"? He asked. "Been having wild sex dreams about me, huh"?

"Maybe one or two...MEL GIBSON"!

Everyone gasped, and the ATV dragging Chris came to a stop.

"Oh, thank god". Chris gasped.

"Sorry about that". The driver replied. "Hand slipped off the throttle, let's get back to it".

"NOOOOOO"! Chris screamed as the dragging continued.

Meanwhile back in the group.

"I don't know what you mean". Mad Max replied. "I am Mad Max, leader of the roadway warriors".

"Bullshit, Gibson". Rebecca said. "Mad Max is just a movie character... and not a very good one".

"What is she talking about, Max"? One of the henchmen asked.

"Nothing"! He replied. "Don't listen to her"!

"Ok, I'll prove it". Rebecca said. "They may take our lives, but they'll never take our...

"FREEEEEEEEDOMMMMMMMMM"! Mad Max screamed.

His henchmen gasped, and he quickly put his hands over his mouth.

"The boss is a fake"! One of the henchmen yelled. "TO THE PIT WITH HIM"!

"I AM MAD MAX"! He screamed as they grabbed him, and drove away. "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME"! "AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT, IF NOT FOR YOU MEDDELING KIDS AND THAT GOD DAMN DOG"!

"What did I do"? Scooby asked. "I haven't said a word this entire time".

"What just happened"? Barry asked. "I just got a super bad flashback of the 80's".

"Don't worry about it". Jill replied. "Let's just get out of here before they realise that they still have Chris".

They started walking, but then an ATV drove by, and the driver cut the rope, letting Chris fall in front of them.

"Don't forget your garbage"! The driver yelled as he dissapeared over the hill. "HAHAHAHAHAHA"!

"And just what do you have to say for yourself"? Rebecca asked as Chris took the rope off.

"Go easy on me, will ya"? Chris asked. "Almost my entire body hurts".

"Oh, and where doesn't it hurt"?

He pointed to a small spot on his stomach, then screamed as Rebecca kicked it as hard as she could.

"Wouldn't want you to half ass it, now would we"? She asked. "Now get up, we're moving".

He slowly got to his feet, and they started walking again.

"Hey". Jill said. "I see something".

"What is it"? Barry asked.

"I don't know". "It looks like a farm or something". "Oh well, only one way to find out".

They then headed for the farm in the distance.


	29. The Chocobo Farm

The farm wasn't very far away, so it was only a few minutes before they reached it.

"Wow". Chris said. "Thoes are some big chickens".

"Don't be a dumbass". Rebecca replied. "This is a Chocobo farm".

"Oh, ok".

Chris walked up to the fence where one was standing.

"Wark"? It said. "Waaaaark wark"?

Chris just stood there, dumbfounded.

"Well". Jill said. "Don't be rude, answer the nice bird".

"Um, ok". He replied. "Uh... wark"?

The chochobs gasped.

"Is that so"? The Chocobo asked.

"Huh"? Chris asked. "You can talk"?

"Hey guys, this mother fucker not only wants to talk shit about big bird, but he also thinks that we're too stupid to talk".

"Now wait a second, I didn't mean

He was interupted as the Chocobo grabbed his jacket with it's beak, lifted him into the air, and tossed him into the middle of the pen. Then Chris screamed as they began pecking and stomping him.

"HELP"! Chris screamed. "SOMEONE HELP"!

"Just let him have his fun". Jill said as they walked toward the barn.

Once they were inside, an old man walked up to them.

"Hey there, folks". He said. "I'm choco-bob, and that there is my son choco-billy". "You youngsters want to buy a chocobo"?

"BARRY LIKE BIRDS"! Barry screamed.

"Why would we need one"? Scooby asked.

"Well, without one you would never get across the swamp".

"Why not"? Rebecca asked.

"Because of the midgar zolom".

"What's that"?

Choco-bob was about to say something, but then he stopped and listened as what sounded like an engine got closer.

"Aw, shit"! Choco-bob yelled. "Billy, it's him again"! "Lock up the best chocobos, hurry"!

"What's going on"? Jill asked as the farmers began running around.

Meanwhile, Chris was still in the pen. Two chocobos were holding his arms while the other one kicked him in the head.

"And this is for Howard the duck"! It yelled as it kicked. "And this is for Tweety bird, and this is for...

The birds stopped when they heard the sound, then they looked up into the sky and gasped.

"OH SHIT"! The chocobo yelled. "RUN FOR IT"! "IT'S HIM AGAIN"!

They dropped Chris and took off running for shelter. Then Chris looked up and saw a small purple airplane approaching the farm. He got to his feet, and climbed back over the fence just as it was landing.

And on the side of the plane was written: TINY BRONCO.

The engine stopped, and the pilot took the goggles off his head before climbing down.

"Captain Liquid"? Chris asked.

"Who the fuck are you"? Liquid replied. "Wait, I don't care who you are... the important question is: do you have any smokes"?

"No, I don't smoke".

Liquid's eyes seemed to get even more bloodshot as he stood there, stairing at Chris.

"You don't smoke"? Liquid asked. "What are you, some kind of a pussy"?

"What"? "No, I just don't

Liquid suddenly kicked him in the nuts, and then pushed him into a mud puddle.

"Doesn't smoke". Liquid grumbled as he walked toward the barn. "What the hell do they teach these kids in school these days"?

He walked into the barn, and all of the chocobos ran for cover.

"Oh my god". Rebecca said. "Not you again".

Liquid stopped, and looked her up and down.

"I'd know that ass anywhere". He said. "You're grandma's kid, right"? "Yeah, I saw you at the honey bee inn while I was leaving".

"You mean while you were getting tossed out on your ass". Rebecca repied.

"Split hairs if you will, the point is that I just beat your boyfriend's ass outside". "How does that make you feel"?

"He's not my boyfriend". "He's just some loser that I use as a decoy".

"Sounds like a relationship to me". "But I'm not here for that, I'm hear for another bird".

Suddenly a chocobo was tossed out of the pen. It was tied up, and when it saw Liquid, it screamed and tried to get away.

"Stop being a bitch". Another chocobo said. "We all drew straws, and you lost". "Just be a man and take one for the team".

"But I don't wanna be a man"! It replied.

"This one will do nicely". Liquid said as he picked it up.

"Since when do you ride"? Rebecca asked. "I thought you had a plane".

"I do, but I don't ride these birds".

"Then what do you do"?

Liquid answered by taking the Predator's spear off his belt, and extending it right through the chocobo's head. This caused the whole group to scream, and then Barry fainted.

"This will feed us for a week". Liquid continued as he collapsed the spear and put it back on his belt. "God I love these birds".

He tossed a small bag of gil to Choco-bob, and then walked back outside where Chris was just getting up.

"Who said you could get out"? Liquid asked as he walked past him.

He kicked Chris back into the mud puddle, tossed the bird into the back seat, and climbed back into the plane.

"I'd offer you guys a ride". Liquid said as he started it up. "But I'm not that nice".

He then took a swig out of his whiskey flask, and took off. A few seconds later the plane vanished over the mountains, and the group gathered around as Chris got out of the puddle.

"What a dick". Chris said as he brushed himself off.

"Chris". Rebecca said. "I'm even more disapointed in you then I used to be, and I didn't think that was possible". "I realise that you are an incompitent wimp, but how could you allow yourself to be abused by HIM"?

"BAD MAN KILL BIRD"! Barry screamed.

"It was a lucky shot". Chris replied. "I tell you if I hadn't been so tired from our first fight, I would have stomped his ass for sure".

Everyone just looked at him, then Rebecca pushed him back into the puddle.

"Let's just get out of here". She said as Chris pulled himself out again. "We'll just catch our own chocobo".

They then left the farm, and started walking toward the swamp.


	30. Beware The Midgar Zolom

"So". Scooby said as they walked away from the farm. "Does anyone here know how to go about catching a chocobo"?

"Yeah, I do". Jill replied. "All we have to do is lure it in with some mimmet greens, and it will be our slave forever".

"Cool, so let's get started".

"Unfortionatly Barry ate all of the mimmet greens while I wasn't looking, so that plan has been scrapped".

Barry then smiled with a bunch of green leaves sticking out of his teeth.

"Ok then". Rebecca said. "I guess that means that Chris will have to venture out across the swamp to make sure that it's safe".

"Um... I don't know". Chris replied. "Something tells me that venturing out into the swamp is a bad idea".

"And just where the hell did you get that idea, huh"?

Chris pointed to a sign on the edge of the swamp that read: WARNING VENTURING OUT INTO THE SWAMP IS A BAD IDEA BECAUSE YOU COULD END UP LIKE THIS GUY.

They down and saw the lower half of a person laying by the sign.

"Oh, you read too much". Rebecca said as she started pushing him toward the swamp. "Now get in there like a good little decoy, er, I mean hero, and show us what you're made of".

She pushed him into the knee deep murky water, and he instantly started walking out.

"I really think that we should rethink this". He said.

"Alright then, you leave me no choice". Jill replied. "Barry, persuade him to fulfill his duties as a hero".

Barry then drew his gun, and shot the ground by Chris's feet, making him gasp and fall back into the swamp.

"Again". Jill ordered.

"NO, WAIT"! Chris screamed as he got up. "I"ll go across the swamp".

"Good boy". She said as Barry put his gun away. "Now start walking".

Chris turned around, and slowly started walking deeper into the swamp. Nothing moved as he walked, but then he saw a pair of vultures sitting on a dead tree.

"It's ok". Chris told himself as he walked. "Just a few birds, nothing to worry about".

The birds then pointed at him, and began setting their small table.

"I'm still fine". Chris nerviously told himself. "I'm a brave and hardcore ex-SOLDIER".

He took two more steps, and suddenly a giant 20 foot tall cobra rose from the water, and roared at him, making all the color drain out of his face.

"Hold on a second". Chris suddenly said. "A giant snake that lives in a swamp where people don't usually travel". "That means that you probably don't eat very many animals at all, huh"?

The midgar zolom responded to this by putting on a giant bib that had Chris's face on it.

"OH NO"! Chris screamed as he started running.

The zolom glided after him, striking out with it's fangs, but Chris always managed to jump ahead at the last second.

He screamed as it chased him across the swamp, then he screamed as it chased him back across the swamp.

"I DON'T WANNA DIE"! Chris screamed as he ran. "I DON'T WANNA DIE, I DON'T WANNA DIE, I DON'T WANNA DIE"!

Suddenly the snake stopped chasing him, and Chris thought he was safe, but then it opened it's mouth and spewed fire.

The blast evaporated alot of the water, and sent Chris flying. He screamed like a bitch as he tumbled through the air, then he crashed onto solid ground, and rolled to a stop in front of a large cave.

A few minutes later when he stopped shaking, and opened his eyes, he realised that he had made it across the swamp.

"Well, it's about god damn time". Rebecca said. "You just love keeping us waiting, huh"?

"How did you guys get here"? He asked as he slowly got to his feet.

"Oh, we crossed while that thing was chasing you". Jill replied. "Alright, break's over, let's get moving".

"Already"? Chris asked. "But I just almost got eaten by a horrible monster"!

"Did it eat you"?

"Well, um... no".

"Then you're good"! "Now stop crying before I give you something to cry about"!

"How can you live with yourself, Chris"? Rebecca asked. "You don't see any of us bitching about this little quest, do you"?

"Yeah, stop being a bitch". Scooby said. "Now let's get moving".

They started walking into the cave, leaving Chris standing there.

"But... the snake". Chris said.

"NOW"! The others screamed.

Chris then ran into the cave to catch up with them.


	31. Turks In The Cave

"I hate caves". Scooby said as they walked down the dark passage.

"Me, too". Jill replied. "People could be watching us right now, waiting for their chance to strike, and we wouldn't even know they were there untill we were DEAD"!

"I meant that I don't like walking on damp ground". "God, you're a psyco ass".

"Don't worry, Jill". Chris said as he put his arm around her. "I'll protect you from any dangers that we come across".

"Why are you touching me"? Jill asked. "You know that it makes me do things like this".

She then stomped his foot, elbowed him in the stomach, and pushed him down to the floor.

"You see"? Jill asked as he tried to get up. "It's in your best interest to keep your god damn hands off me, get it"?

"Got it". Chris replied.

"Good, now let's get moving".

They reached the end of the passage, and found themselves in a large and very well lit chamber.

"There's the door". Jill said. "Let's get the fuck out of here".

"Not so fast"! A voice yelled.

Suddenly Goldburg leaped out of the shadows, then Jackie Chan appeared in front of the exit, and a woman appeared on the upper ledge.

"Turks"! Scooby yelled. "I thought I smelled vasileen".

"Who's the new girl"? Rebecca asked.

"I'm Mila Jonavitch". She replied. "And I joined the Turks so that I could do things like this".

She then picked up a rock, and tossed it, smacking Chris right in the head.

"JESUS GOD"! He screamed as he fell over. "I think you broke my head"!

"SILENCE"! Jackie Chan screamed. "Now normally we would fuck you guys up, but we're in a hurry, so this will be your only warning".

Goldburg suddenly grabbed Chris, and took a jar of fish paste out from under his jacket. Then he opened the lid, and shoved a handfull into Chris's mouth, before tossing him away.

"And let that be a lesson to you". Jackie said as Chris tried to spit it out.

"Bullshit"! Chris yelled as he spat. "I'm so sick of this shit"! "How come it always happens to me, huh"? "You got four other people available to torture, but no, you pick me"!

"Trying to rat out your friends, huh"? "Unacceptable, give him seconds".

Chris screamed as Goldburg forced another handful of fish paste down his throat.

"Now, we must be off". Jackie continued.

"Yes". Mila replied. "We must persue Sephiroth, who is headed for Junion Harbor". "But don't even think of following us, or this will happen".

Goldburg suddenly tossed Chris to the ground stuck a funnel in his mouth, and pinned him while he dumped the entire jar down his throat.

"You have been warned". Jackie said. "Now, let's get out of here".

The Turks left the cave, and Chris tried not to throw up as he got to his feet.

"Way to protect us, Chris". Rebecca said. "I'm so glad that we have such a hardcore ex-SOLDIER here to watch our backs". "Christ, sometimes I think I was better off in the shinra lab".

"Oh, don't be so hard on Craig". Barry replied.

"Chris". Chris said.

"Right, don't be so hard on Clem". "Atleast he's not as bad as that guy we hired back in midgar". "Now, he may be a failure, but if we help him, he can be the greatest failure that there ever was".

"Why do you talk"? Scooby asked. "Seriously, why do you even bother opening your mouth"? "How the hell did you become the leader of snowball, anyway"?

(FLASHBACK)

"And so". James Woods said. "It is with great honor that I accept the job as leader of the snowball terrorist group".

"LOOK OUT"! Carlos screamed. "HE'S HAVING THE DOG DREAM AGAIN"!

Suddenly Barry came charging into the room on all fours, and James Woods screamed as he was tackled behind the stand. Blood and body parts began flying around the room, and a few minutes later, and a blood soaked Barry stood up.

"Oh, uh, hi guys". He said as he yawned. "What the fuck happened to him"?

(FLASHFORWARD)

"I see". Scooby said. "Oh well, I'd still rather have you watching my back then super Chris over there".

They climbed up a vine to reach the ledge where Jackie Chan had been standing, and when they got there, they found themselves standing at the edge of a beautiful meadow.

"So where to, now"? Scooby asked.

"Well, there's another small cave over there". Jill replied. "Chris, go see if anyone's there".

She pushed him forward, and he grumbled as he walked toward the smaller cave.

"Stupid caves". He said. "Why can't we ever go anywhere nice, like maui, or something"?

He walked in, and saw an old man sleeping on a bed.

"Hey". Chris said as he shook him. "Hey, wake up".

Suddenly the man's eyes popped open, and he grabbed Chris by the throat.

"What the fuck are you thinking"! He screamed. "I spend every night working at junion harbor for less then no pay, then all I ask in return is to come home and get a little sleep"! "But no, I just close my eyes, then some dick weed let's himself in, and demands my attention"!

"It's not like that"! Chris gasped.

"GET THE FUCK OUT"!

He then spun Chris around, and booted him in the ass, making him fly out of the cave and get a mouthful of grass as he landed.

"Well"? Jill asked.

"Let's go that way". He said as he pointed to a building on some cliffs.

He then got to his feet, and they started walking toward the building.


	32. The Terror Of Fort Condor

As they approached the large building, they noticed two things. That it was an old mako reactor, and that there was an extremely large bird sitting on top of it.

"What is that bird doing up there"? Chris asked.

"Oh, it's just hanging out". Rebecca replied. "HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW"?!

"Maybe it's just resting on it's way somewhere". Jill replied.

"God, you people are stupid". Scooby replied. "That bird is a giant condor, and it's sitting there because it's guarding it's eggs from predators like snakes and people who fly purple airplanes".

"He, he, he". Barry chuckled. "The doggie talked again".

"Well, stop the god damn presses, I've only been talking since you met me". "But I guess it was a pretty good observation coming from a man with the brain of an eggplant".

"Eggplants don't taste very good".

"I fucking give up". "Let's just keep going".

A few minutes later they reached a trail leading up to a door, but then a man with a thick beard jumped into their path, and kicked Chris in the chest, knocking him on his ass.

"Who are you"? Jill asked as Chris got up. "What is this place"?

"THIS IS SPARTA"! He screamed. "AND I'M KING LEONIDAS, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU"?!

"I'm Jill". "And this is Rebecca, Barry, Scooby, and that thing over there is Chris". "We are on the way to junion harbor, in search of Sephiroth".

"We are preparing for a great battle against a horrible enemy known as the chub-chubs". "If you will help us, we will show you the way to junion harbor".

"What's a chub-chub"? Chris asked.

Leonidas suddenly grabbed him by the shirt, and got right into his face.

"THE MOST HORRIBLE CREATURE THAT YOU COULD EVER PRAY TO AVOID"! He screamed. "GO NO FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE MEN OF VALOR, BECAUSE DEATH AWAITS YE, WITH SHARP POINTY TEETH"!

He then pushed Chris away, and froze as he saw something move in the bushes.

"THE CHUB CHUBS"! He screamed as he dropped his spear and ran. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES"!

He ran inside, and slammed the door, leaving the group outside as the mysterious horror came closer... and closer... and closer... untill...

They all screamed as the creature jumped out. It was a giant gorilla-wolf looking thing, and it looked like it was about to strike. But then it was pulled back into the bushes, and after a few seconds of rustling, the gorilla-wolf's skeleton was tossed out.

"Well, would you look at that". Chris said. "Time to go"!

He started to run, but Jill caught him.

"No way, Chris". She said. "We are going in there to face the chub chubs right now, and by we, I mean you".

Chris screamed as she pushed him into the bushes, but when he finally stopped crying and opened his eyes, the only thing there was a small yellow hamster thing.

"Awwww". Chris said. "Aren't you cute"? "I guess that the big bad chub chubs ran away, huh"?

It then shook it's head, and Chris screamed as it opened it's mouth wider then Chris's head, revealing it's thousends of long sharp teeth.

"Or not". Chris whimpered.

It pounced, and after a few seconds of screaming and the bush rustling, Chris dove out of the bush, and started running away. His clothes were all tore up, and he had cuts all over.

"Where are you going"? Jill demanded.

"This way"! He replied. "I'll find my own damn way to junion harbor, because Leonidas can have that shit"!

Suddenly a hundred more chub chubs leaped out of the bushes, and the group screamed as they were chased away.

The creatures turned back after a few hundred yards, and a few minutes later they caught up to Chris.

"What the fuck, Chris"? Rebecca demanded. "You like abandoning your friends, huh"?

"What"? Chris asked.

"Yeah, dick"! Jill yelled. "You ran like a bitch while we tried to fight the monsters, what the hell kind of friend are you, huh"?

"But, you tossed me into the bushes".

"Don't make excuses, ass"! Scooby yelled. "I swear, if brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your nose"!

"But, you don't understand".

"Yeah, Craig"! Barry yelled. "We're standing here in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love, the birthplace of freedom where the founding fathers authored the Declaration of Independence, and I don't recall that glorious document saying anything about all streight men being created equal"! "It says that ALL men are created equal"!

They all just looked at him.

"What the fuck are you talking about"? Scooby asked.

"Uh, I don't know". Barry replied. "Where am I"?

Suddenly a fog horn sounded, making them all turn around.

"What was that"? Chris asked. "A fog horn"?

"No, it was a mist horn". Rebecca replied. "Fog horns sound completely different, now how about you do all of us a favor by pulling your bottom lip over your head and swallowing"?

"Don't you get it"? Jill asked. "A fog horn means that we are close to junion harbor".

She then took off running toward the sound, and the others soon followed.


	33. We Don't Go To Lower Junion

They ran for what seemed like hours, and then suddenly a dence fog bank appeared, making them only able to see a little ways in front of them.

"Great". Jill said as they walked. "We're lost, we can't see, and now it's getting dark".

They looked up, and the sun was setting.

"Shit". Rebecca said. "I hate the dark". "Hey Chris, do you have any matches"?

"Sure". He replied. "I got a full book of them".

"Good, now set yourself on fire so that we can see".

"Ha ha, good one, Rebecca".

She then grabbed him by the shirt collar.

"You think I'm joking"? She asked. "Set yourself on fire right the hell now".

"No way". Chris replied.

"Come on, Chris, take one for the team".

"Forget it, Rebecca". Scooby said. "He's scared". "Why don't we just summon the invisible horseman to tell us where to go"?

"Good idea, Scooby". Jill replied. "And how exactly do we do that"?

"Simple". "All we have to do is have three people say part of the chant, and fire a shot into the air". "Then the invisible horseman will appear, and guide us on the right path". "I figure that you, Rebecca, and Chris can chant, and then you can each use Barry's gun to fire your shot into the air".

"Ok, what is that chant"?

Scooby then took out a pen and paper, wrote a long chant, gave a piece to each of them, and handed Barry's gun to Jill.

"Ahem". Jill said as she cleared her throat. "Fuck, fuck, mother-mother fuck, mother-mother fuck".

She then fired a shot into the air, and handed the gun to Rebecca.

"Smokin weed". Rebecca chanted. "Smokin weed, snortin coke, drinkin beers, drinkin beers, beers, beers".

Rebecca fired her shot into the air, and handed the gun to Chris.

"Rollin fattys". He chanted. "Smokin blunts, who smokin blunts, we smokin blunts".

He then fired a shot, then there was a scream, and something invisible fell to the ground.

"In the air, you dumb fuck"! Scooby yelled. "The shots were supposed to be fired in the air for a reason"! "Give the gun back to Barry"!

He gave back the gun, and Jill walked toward the sound.

"I think he's dead". Jill said as she kicked the invisible body.

"Good fucking job, Chris"! Rebecca yelled as she smacked him in the back of the head. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW"!

"Hey, guys". Barry said. "What does J-U-N-I-O-N spell"?

"It spells Junion, Barry". Jill replied. "Now where was I"? "Oh yeah, Chris, you should just kill...

She froze for a second, then ran over to where Barry was standing.

"What is it"? Barry asked.

"It's a sign post". Jill replied. "It says, welcome to Junion Harbor"!

"Awesome"! Rebecca yelled. "I wish that Chris was as smart as Barry".

"I am so as smart as Barry"! Chris yelled.

"Face it, Chris". "If brains were money, you'd be in debt".

"That's why I carry my mastercard"!

Rebecca just shrugged, and walked over to the others.

A few minutes later they all walked into a small village that was built under the main junion platform.

"Where is everyone"? Scooby asked.

They looked around, but the entire town was empty.

"Hey, look at this". Rebecca said. "It's like a town calender". "Let's see, today is the 21st, and it's about 8:30...

"What does it say"? Jill asked.

"Not sure". She replied. "What does 'Sacrifice The Interlopers' mean"?

Suddenly every door was kicked open, and the townpeople came out with pitchforks, knives, and egg wisks.

"Lord Saddler". One of them whispered.

The group began backing away from the crowd, but then Chris screamed as he fell backwards, and rolled down a large flight of stairs.

"Hey, Chris found a way out". Jill said. "Way to go, Chris".

They followed, exiting the fog bank about halfway down the stairs. The villagers chased them, but stopped at the edge of the fog.

"Vaminos". One of them said. "Lord Saddler".

Soon they reached the bottom just as Chris was pulling himself to his feet.

"Way to leave us behind again, ass". Rebecca said. "Now how are we supposed to get up to Junion, huh"?

"Hey, look over there". Scooby said.

They looked, and saw a little girl blowing a whistle at the edge of the ocean.

"Good job, Mr. Dolphin". Percilla said as a fin floated around. "Just a bit more practice, and we can get that job at seaworld".

"I've got an idea"! Chris shouted. "I saw this in a movie once, we can use the trained dolphin to get up to Junion"!

"Chris". Jill said. "That is the dumbest thing that

Rebecca suddenly clamped her hand over Jill's mouth.

"Are you insane"? Rebecca whispered. "I wouldn't miss this for the world".

Chris then ran over to the girl.

"Can Mr. Dolphin jump"? He asked.

"Yeah". She replied.

"Good, then make him jump me up to that platform up there".

"Wait, you don't understand".

But it was too late. Chris dove into the water, and swam out to where the fin was. Mr. Dolphin must have spotted him, because the fin suddenly changed direction, and came toward him.

"This is one for the books". Chris said to himself. "I'm sure to get laid after this one".

"Hey, Mister, come back"! Percilla screamed. "Mr. Dolphin isn't a dolphin"! "He's a great white shark"!

Suddenly the shark leaped out of the water, and Chris screamed as it landed on him and took him under.

There was silence for a few seconds, but then Chris flew out of the water with the shark right behind him, chomping at his heels.

They went up and up until Chris grabbed the platform, and the shark fell back down.

"Yeah"! Chris screamed as he pulled himself onto the platform. "What now, bitch"?!

Suddenly the shark surfaced with a spear gun, and fired, missing Chris's head by mere inches.

"Good answer"! Chris yelled as he ran over to the ladder and started climbing.


	34. Infiltrate The Parade

As Chris climbed the tower, he began to hear music. Kind of like the music that you hear when there is a parade nearby or you have just done a bunch of crack.

"Well, I haven't done any crack lately". He said to himself. "So it must be a parade".

He continued climbing until he reached a maintanance shaft, then he crawled through it, and dropped to the floor in a large hallway.

"Hey, you"! A shinra captain called. "What the fuck is your problem,son"?

"What"? Chris asked as the captain walked toward him.

"Don't play dumb with me, private". "We got to march in this gay ass parade for our gay ass new president in 10 minutes, and your stupid ass is still in civilian clothes". "Come with me".

Chris followed him into a back room, and he was ordered to change into the standard shinra uniform, but when he looked into the mirror,he noticed something wrong.

"What the"? Chris asked. "This is a girl's cheerleader outfit"!

"Yeah, about that". The captain replied. "The new president wants all soldiers to wear women's clothes from now on". "But enough about that, do you remember the routine"?

Chris just stood there like a deer in the headlights.

"I see". The captain replied. "Well, we'll just have to go over it again, won't we"?

Suddenly the door was kicked open, and two more soldiers rushed in.

"We'll help, sir". One of them said. "That's what brown nosing little ass clowns like us do best".

Chris just stood there while they went through a long and drawn out routine of marching orders and rifle movements. It was then that he wished that he hadn't slept through most of his training.

"Got it"? The captain asked. "Good, let's go".

"Hold it right there, captain". One of the soldiers said. "We forgot the special pose for the day".

"OH JESUS CHRIST FUCK ME IN THE ASS"! "I forgot all about the god damn special pose"! "Hey, I know"! "Let's have the new guy decide"!

Chris was suddenly filled with pride, and he knew just what move to use to knock these shinra bastard's socks off. It was none other then the sword spin... but with the rifle.

He suddenly raised it into the air with one hand, and quickly twirled it around, but then it flew out of his hand, and they all dove for cover as it fired apon hitting the ground.

"Jesus Christ"! The captain yelled. "That was the coolest move that I've ever seen"! "Damn, you even killed that guy over there"!

Chris looked down the hall, and saw a janitor fall to the floor dead.

"Now let's get out of here"! The captain yelled. "We need to get to the parade"!

They ran out of the room, and Chris followed them outside to a long road where the parade was supposed to start.

"JUMPIN FUCK"! The captain screamed. "THERE'S NO ONE HERE"!

"Good job, new guy"! One of the soldiers yelled. "If you weren't such a dumb shit, we would have been on time"!

"LET'S BEAT HIS ASS"! The other one screamed.

They started after him, but the captain stopped him.

"Kill him after the parade". He ordered. "Right now we have to take that shortcut over there, and maybe we will be able to not get executed".

They followed the captain down an alley, and on the other side the parade was in full swing.

"Ok, we made it". The captain said. "Now pay attention, just wait for an opening in the ranks, and jump in". "And for god's sake, don't jump into the front". "Ready go".

The first soldier started marching,and a second later he seemlessly blended into the ranks.

"Good job". The captain said. "Next man, ready go".

The other soldier did the same as the first, and went unnoticed into the ranks.

"Alright, you next". The captain said. "Ready go".

Chris took off running, and slammed right into the lead man of the platoon, making the rest of the soldiers trip over them.

"Oh, my god". The captain said as Chris got up and ran to the next group. "My carrear is over".

He then took out a handgun,and shot himself in the head as Chris continued following the parade.

The parade continued on for a few minutes, and then it ended at the edge of the docks where a large carrier boat was waiting.

"Alright". The sergeant said. "I need a volenteer to stay and do degrading dog tricks in order to please our crossdressing bitch of a president".

"Hey"! Chris yelled as someone pushed him forward.

"Excellent". "The rest of you men have the weekend off".

The other soldiers cheered as they ran off, leaving Chris with the sergeant as Alfred and Iorns walked up to the boat.

"But I don't wanna take the boat". Alfred whined. "I hate the water, and the sea air makes my dress all wrinkley".

"We have no choice, mr. president". Iorns replied.

"But what about the airship"?

"It's still in the shop from when Captain Liquid decided to take it mud bogging".

"How is that even possible with an airship"?

"I don't know, but he managed it".

"How about that galenka plane over there"?

"Nope, it's infested with chuprakabras".

A monster suddenly jumped out from inside the landing gear, and began ripping a worker to shreds.

"Well, that's no good". Alfred replied. "Fine, we can take that god damn boat".

Then he spotted Chris.

"What the hell is this"? Alfred asked.

"He's here to entertain you, sir". The sergeant replied.

"Ok, so kill him".

"What"?! Chris yelled.

The sergeant pulled out a sword, and was about to strike, when the boat whistle sounded, and the ship started leaving port.

"What the fuck"! Alfred shreiked. "How can my own boat be leaving without me"?!

He and Iorns quickly jumped on, and Chris followed as the boat left junion harbor.

"I wonder what happened to the others". He said as the cargo door closed.


	35. The Hate Boat

The boat rocked back and forth violently, making Chris stumble as he explored the cargo hold.

"Everything's ok". He told himself. "Sure, I'm alone and outnumbered about a hundred to one, but that's ok because no one here knows who I really am".

"Chris"! A voice yelled behind him, making him shreik and jump.

He spun around, and saw Rebecca desguised as another shinra soldier.

"I have a question for you". She said as she looked at him. "Why is it that no matter where we go, you always end up dressed like a girl"?

"Yeah ,you can talk". He replied. "You're wearing the same thing, genious".

"Ok Chris, I'm gonna break this down to you in simple terms". "It's ok for me to wear a cheerleader outfit because I'm a girl". "It's not ok for you because you're a man... well, sort of". "Anyway, have you seen the others"?

"No, I didn't even know that you guys were on the ship".

"Well, then how about you go and find them"? "Why are you still here"?

He quickly ran up the stairs, and outside to where another soldier was standing guard.

"I'm not even going to ask why you're dressed like that". Jill said.

"Hi, Jill". Chris replied happily. "Maybe you should show me your titts just to make sure that it's really you".

"Chris, turn around".

"What"? "Why"?

"Just do it".

He slowly turned around, then Jill kicked him in the ass, making him eat the deck.

"God, you are a dumb shit". She continued as he spit out wood chunks. "Go and find the others before I throw your worthless ass overboard".

He got up, and walked around a corner to where Scooby was standing in another uniform.

"Hey, Scooby". Chris said. "How did you not get captured"?

"Easy". Scooby replied. "I put on this uniform, and everyone thinks I'm Laura Bush".

"Well, the resemblense is striking".

"Yeah, too bad that you look like a used up transvestite hooker in amsterdam's red light district". "But anyway, I saw Barry in a sailor suit walking around that corner over there". "Go check it out, while I stay here where it's safe".

"Good plan, see you soon".

The boat continued to rock back and forth as he rounded a corner, and saw Barry wearing a large white uniform, looking into a window.

"Hey, Barry". Chris said as he walked up to him. "What'cha doin"?

"Oh, hey Craig". Barry replied. "For a second I thought you were that Clem guy". "I found the bridge, come take a look".

Chris looked in, and saw the ship's pilot spinning the wheel back and forth, and a second later Iorns kicked open the door and barged in.

"I've had enough of this"! He yelled as he entered. "Who the fuck is driving this thing"!

"I am". Liquid replied as he turned around. "What's the problem, fatso"?

"The problem is that instead of driving, you got this boat whipping around like an epeleptic playing hopscotch"! "How the fuck do you still have a license anyway, captain"?

"License"? "Who said that I have a license"?

Iorn's jaw dropped, and then he drew his 45. and pointed it at Liquid.

"Ok". He said as he pulled the hammer back. "Back away from the controls, and put your hands behind your head".

"I have a better idea". Liquid replied.

Liquid then cranked the wheel hard to the right, making Iorn's drop his gun and stumble into the wall. Liquid then kicked the gun away, shoved Iorns against the wall, and pointed a spray bottle right into his face.

"Do you know what this is"? Liquid asked. "This is the mace they use on bears, faggot"! "Now give me one good reason why I shouldn't empty this thing right down your throat"!

"What the hell is going on here"? Alfred asked as he walked in.

"Oh, thank god"! Iorns exclaimed. "Mr. President, call this mad man off"!

"I... I... can't".

"Why not"? "...oh god, is he with your sister again"?

Before he could answer, the entire ship was rocked to the side, making them all stumble across the room.

"What the hell was that"? Liquid asked as he looked out the window. "There's nothing in the water".

"EMERGENCY"! The PA system announced. "EMERGENCY"! "SUSPICIOUS CHARACTERS SIGHTED IN THE ENGINE ROOM"! "ALL SOLDIERS REPORT TO THE ENGINE ROOM"!

"Suspicious characters"? Chris asked. "But we're up here". "Do you know what that means"?

"All you can eat shrimp buffet"? Barry asked.

"No, it means that Sephiroth must be on this ship"! "EVERYONE TO THE ENGINE ROOM"!

They all hurried back down the stairs, but stopped when they found a dozen dead shinra soldiers on the floor.

"Damn". Jill said. "This kind of thing cannot go unpunished". "Go get him, Chris".

She suddenly shoved Chris into the engine room, and locked the door behind him.

"HEY"! He screamed as he banged on the door. "This isn't funny"!

"Hello, Chris".A voice said behind him.

Chris felt fear grip him like a fat kid grabbing cake, and he slowly turned around to see Sephiroth standing there with his sword sticking through a soldier.

"Sephiroth"? Chris asked. "What the hell is going on with you lately"?

He started to reply, but then the door was bashed open,slamming Chris up against the wall as Liquid and three soldiers rushed in.

"There's the heel wearing sissy"! Liquid shouted. "Kill him alot"!

The soldiers attacked, but instead of fighting, Sephiroth vanished into the floor.

"Damn". Liquid said. "That was easier then I thought". "Unfortionatly I can't leave any wittnesses to these events".

He suddenly extended his spear right through both of the soldiers, then he walked away as they fell to the floor dead.

Once he was gone, the door swung away from the wall, allowing Chris to fall to the floor.

"Attention". The PA system announced. "This ship will be arriving in costa de sal in 10 minutes". "All passengers prepare to depart".


	36. Good Times In Costa De Sol

The boat slowed down quickly as it approached costa da sol, but not quickly enough to avoid crashing into the pier kind of like in Speed 2.

After the boat had come to a complete stop, the fires had been put out, and the wittnesses had been silenced, the group stepped out onto the dock, and started walking toward town.

"It's so good to be out of that uniform". Chris said.

"Great". Rebecca replied. "Now how about you put some pants on"?

Chris looked down, and gasped as he realised that he had forgotten to get dressed. Then he ran back onto the boat, and a few minutes later he came out in his regular clothes.

"Aren't you going to change, Barry"? Scooby asked.

"No way". He replied. "I need to wear this sailor suit because my other clothes haven't been washed in three years". "Here, take a whiff".

He shoved his boxers in Scooby's face, making him throw up, and then Chris slipped in it, and fell face first into the dog puke.

"Oh, gross"! He yelled as he got up. "I can't see, give me something to wipe my face"!

He felt around, and grabbed the first thing he touched.

"Uh, Chris". Jill said.

But it was too late, Chris wiped off his face, and opened his eyes to see that he was holding Barry's dirty boxers.

"Oh, God". Rebecca said as she put her hand over her mouth. "I'm gonna be sick".

Chris just stood there for a second as he slowly realised what he had just done.

"No". He whimpered as Barry took them back.

"You dumb shit". Scoby said. "I guess that gives new meaning to the expression 'eat my shorts', huh"?

Everyone laughed at him, and he just stood there getting whiter and whiter.

"Alright, let's move on". Jill said. "I've always wanted to come here, and I heard that there is a nude beach somewhere.

"Sweet". Rebecca replied. "Then we can oil eachother up and play a game of bouncy volly ball".

"BARRY HAPPY"! Barry screamed.

They all started walking toward town, and Chris kept standing there.

"No". He whimpered again before slowly following them. "I couldn't have just done that".

Once they were gone, Alfred and Iorns slowly backed away from the boat with their hands up. A second later Liquid came out with Iorn's gun pointed at them.

"Now just take it easy, Liquid". Iorns said. "You don't wanna kill us".

"Bullshit". Liquid replied. "That was a direct attempt on my life".

"But you crashed the boat".

"THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME!

Liquid then pulled the trigger, and Iorns screamed as the bullet went into his leg and he fell to the ground.

"FUCK"! Liquid yelled. "See what you made me do"?! "Man, I don't need this kind of heat"! "I'm still on probation"!

"HE FUCKING SHOT ME"! Iorns screamed.

"I ain't goin back to jail"!

Liquid suddenly tossed the gun into the water, and ran over to where his plane was parked on the boat's wreckage.

"Tell anybody and I'll kill ya"! Liquid yelled as he jumped into the plane.

A few seconds later he fired up the plane, and vanished into the distance.

"Oh, thank god". Iorns said.

"Why would you hire him"? Alfred demanded.

"I'm sorry, Mr. President".

"Is that all you can do"? "Give one word answers, and apoligize for everything"? "God, you are a worthless piece of shit"!

He then kicked Iorns in the leg, and ran like a girl to where a small helicopter was waiting for him.

Meanwhile, the group had gone down to the beach with intent of playing nude girl volly ball, but to their horror, they discovered that Birkin was already there.

"So, ladies". Birkin said to the girls around him. "After my 23 hour tan, I will take all 23 of you up to room 23 of the hotel".

"There's 24 of us". One girl said.

Birkin looked at her for a second, then he took a gun out from under his coat, and shot her in the head.

"Now where was I"? He asked as he put it away. "Ah, yes... once all 23 of you are in my room, we will have sex in 23 different positions".

"If you last more then 23 seconds". Jill interupted.

She then grabbed Birkin by the collar, Scooby growled at him, and Barry hit Chris in the head with his gun, knocking him down.

"What the fuck is wrong with you"?! Chris yelled as he held his head.

"Sorry, Craig". Barry replied. "I was in the moment".

"Where is Sephiroth"? Rebecca demanded.

"If he was up your ass doing cheetah flips you'd know where he was". Birkin replied. "But you might find him if you travel 23 degrees west for 23 miles".

Jill then shoved him back into his chair.

"This guy doesn't know shit". Jill said. "Let's just get some rest at the hotel, and continue on in the morning".

They walked back up the stairs to town, and everyone walked into the hotel except for Chris. He decided that it was still early, so he was about to start exploring, when he was approached by two men.

"Greetings, my good man". The first one said. "I'm Jay, and this is my hetro-life mate Silent Bob".

"Uh, hi". Chris replied.

"Is your internet handle redfieldrules123"?

"Yes".

"Did you post: THE BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC MOVIE IS GOING TO SUCK MAJOR ASS, AND I WOULD RATHER KILL MYSELF THEN SEE THOES LOSERS IN ACTION"?

"Yes, I did". "Why".

Jay and Silent Bob lookedat eachother, and then they grabbed Chris and tossed him to the ground. Then they stomped and punched him for a few minutes before crossing his name off the list, and walking away.

"What the hell just happened"? Chris asked as he slowly got to his feet. "I changed my mind, I'm going to lay down for awhile".

He stumbled back to the hotel, and when he walked in, he was approached by the owner.

"Hey". He said. "There's some really big guy in the bathroom, wearing a sailor suit and being a complete ass". "Kick him out and you get 50 percent off your rooms".

"That's what I'm talkin about". Chris replied. "I'll get right on it".

Chris did his manly walk over to the bathroom, and stopped when he reached the door.

"Fucking Barry". He whispered. "This should be fun".

He then took a deep breath, and started banging on the door.

"Alright, you dumb fuck"! He yelled. "Open this door right the hell now, or prepare to get your ass whooped somethin fierce"!

The door quickly opened, but Chris's smile melted into a look of fear as he saw who was inside.

"It must be fate". The bearded lady said. "GET YOUR ASS IN HERE"!

He tried to run, but then he screamed as she lifted him off his feet, and pulled him into the bathroom.


	37. Path Into The Mountains

The sun rose the next morning, and Rebecca opened the window of their hotel room, letting the morning light in.

"Perfect". She said as she looked outside. "Well, here goes".

She cleared her throat, and music began to play.

"A dream is a wish". She sang. "Your heart makes, when you're fast asleep".

As she sang, birds, rabbits, and other small animals began entering the room and swaying to the music.

"In dreams you will lose". She continued. "Your heart aches". "Whatever you wish for, you keep...NOW GUYS"!

She slammed the window shut, and the others began pouncing on the animals and killing them. Soon the animals were dead, and they were ready for breakfast.

"I can't believe that worked". Jill said.

"I told you". Rebecca replied. "Pay up".

Jill handed her 10 gil, then she and Barry took the animals into the kitchen.

"Hey". Scooby said. "Has anyone seen Chris"?

Then as if on cue, the door slowly opened, and Chris dragged himself inside.

"Well, well". Rebecca said. "Look what the cat dragged in". "I hope you had fun partying last night while we were stuck here planning our next move, you piece of shit".

"I don't wanna talk about it". Chris replied.

"Oh, I get it". "You don't wanna let us in on your secret party life, huh"? "I tell you, it must be nice to have no responsibilities and be able to spend your whole life goofing off, how the fuck do you live with yourself"?

"You know what, fuck you"!

The whole room got quiet, and suddenly all eyes were on Chris.

"What did you just say"? Rebecca asked.

"You... you heard me". Chris studdered. "Fuck you and all of your high and mighty bullshit".

"Well, I must say that I didn't think you had it in you, Chris". "In fact, I'm proud of you".

"Really"?

"Sure, in fact I'm so proud of you that I'm willing to do this".

She suddenly picked up a chair, and broke it over his head, sending him down. Then she grabbed him by the hair, and dragged him into the bathroom, where she shoved his head into the toilet water.

"So". She said as she pulled his head up. "You wanna talk back, huh"?

"They forgot to flush"! He screamed as he spit out the water.

She then shoved his head back under for a few seconds, before kicking him in the ribs, and letting him fall to the floor.

"Let's get out of here". Rebecca said as she walked away from him. "After breakfast of course".

A few minutes later they all sat down to breakfast, and food was served. Everyone got a slice of ham and one fried egg except for Chris, who got 2 eggshells and a hambone.

"Hey, what gives"? Chris asked. "You guys can't keep doing this to me".

"Oh, ungratefull, huh"? Jill asked. "Each of us got part of the ham and one egg, where as you got 2 egg shells and an entire hambone, you greedy son of a bitch".

"Wow, I'm sorry Jill". "You guys are really good to me".

After eating a quick breakfast, they snuck out of the hotel, and walked out of town. A few hours later they came to a mountain.

"Well". Scooby said. "I followed the instructions that Birkin gave us, and that leads us up this dark and forbidding trail". "One of us should go first to check for danger, and I nominate Chris".

"Why me"? Chris asked. "Why do I always have to go first"?

"Because you're the most expendable, er, uh, I mean you're the bravest".

"Yeah, Chris". Jill added. "And besides if God didn't want us to go up there, it wouldn't be the only way".

"But there's a path around the mountain". Chris argued. "It's flat, full of sunshine, and the birds are singing".

Jill suddenly slapped him.

"Why do you hate god, Chris"? She asked.

"I don't hate god". He replied as he held his head.

"Well he thinks you do, and that's just as bad". "So in order to save yourself from eturnal damnation and a horrible ass kicking from everyone here, you must take the trail alone". "Then you will discover where it leads, and come back for us if you survive".

"Alone"?

"Don't question god, ass wipe"! Rebecca yelled. "Get your ass up the mountain"!

He wanted to argue some more, but instead he just shrugged and slowly started up the mountain.

"How does this keep happening to me"? Chris asked as he walked. "I need to start standing up for myself". "I'm a hardcore ex-SOLDIER after all, so as soon as I finish checking the trail, I will go back there and tell all of them to kiss my ass".

Suddenly he spotted someone sitting on a log a short distance up the trail. So he ran up to them, and saw that it was a cute girl".

"Who are you"? She asked.

"Chris Redfield". He replied. "Hardcore ex-SOLDIER, professional ladies man, and three time world mouse trap tournamnt champion". "And who might you be, my sexy little schoolgirl"?

"I'm Dorothy Gail, from Kansas". "And this is my dog, Toto". "Say hello, Toto".

The small dog growled, and gave Chris the finger.

"Ok". Chris continued. "So, what brings you out here"?

"Well". She explained. "I was on my way to see the wizard, but I got lost". "So now me and my friends hang out on this trail, waiting to beat and rob stupid asses like you".

"Doing what, now"?

Suddenly three guys came out of nowhere, grabbed Chris, and pinned him up against a tree.

"What have we got here"? Scarecrow asked.

"Looks like dinner to me". Lion replied.

"LET'S CHOP HIM INTO PIECES WITH MY AXE"! Tin man screamed. "AND THEN FUCK HIM IN THE ASS"!

Everyone just looked at him.

"Dude". Scarecrow said. "You really need to calm down with that shit".

"All of you, shut up". Dorothy said as she stood up. "We're gonna do this just like always". "We kick his ass, take his money, kick his ass some more, kill him, and hide his body in the woods not unlike in that one Pumpkinhead movie".

"Uh, guys"? Chris asked. "Can't we just talk about this"?

"Do we look like the kind of people that want to talk"? Lion asked.

"Enough of this". Dorothy said. "Just kill him and get it over with".

"NOOOOOOO"! Chris screamed as Tin man raised his axe.

Chris thought it was over, but then a bolt of lightning struck him in the chest, killing him instantly. The same thing then happened to Scarecrow, Lion, Dorothy, and Toto, leaving Chris wondering what the fuck.

"What the fuck"? Chris asked.

"Behold". A man said as he walked out of the forest. "I am Lord Raydon, and I have been sent to be your guardian angel...wait a second...you're not Ben Aflack". "God damn it, now he's probably dead"! "Oh well, one of these days I'll get it right". "See you later".

Chris found himself waving goodbye like a dumbass as Raydon vanished, then he took off running toward the top of the mountain.


	38. The Shuned Of North Coral

Chris climbed for hours, crawling over rocks, jumping over chasms, and dodging rock slides, until at last he reached the top, and found himself standing in front of a small mako reactor.

"It's about fucking time". Jill said. "We were about to give you up for dead".

"How"? Chris asked. "What"? "Where"? "How the fuck did you guys get up here"?

"Oh, that". Rebecca replied. "Well, it turns out that you were right about the other trail". "Not only was it fast and easy, but there was a burger joint and a health spa that we stopped at".

Chris's jaw dropped.

"And that's not all". Scooby added. "I got my nails done, and Barry got a toy in his Happy Meal".

"TRANSFORMERS"! Barry screamed as he played with his toy. "ROBOTS IN DISGUISE"!

"We were gonna ask you to come with us". Jill said. "But you were so bound and deturmined to go up that trail all by yourself, that we just couldn't bring ourselves to stop you".

"But". Chris replied. "But I didn't...".

"We know that you always want to be the hero, but seriously you should calm down a bit". "It's not good for your health to always be rushing into danger head first".

Chris's eyes started watering, and then he fell to his hands and knees, sobbing like a little girl.

"You see"? Jill asked. "All this playing the hero has pushed you to the very brink of insanity". "If you're not careful you could end up like that kid from the jungle book".

(FLASHBACK)

"But I don't wanna go back to the man village". Mogli whined. "I wanna stay here in the jungle and cause you to get grey hairs early from my ignorant antics".

"Oh, that is it"! Bagera yelled.

Bagera then pounced, and Mogli screamed as he was torn apart by that panther's claws.

"It's finally over". Bagera said once he was done. "He's finally gone". "I can finally live my life".

"Don't get your hopes up". Rambo replied. "I've been tryin to do that for years".

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Don't you feel better, now"? Jill asked. "Anyway break's over, let's move on".

The group began walking down the railroad, and after a minute or two Chris caught up with them.

"So". He said. "I know that I've asked this before, but does anyone have even the slightest remote clue as to where we are or where we are going".

"If you've asked it before". Rebecca replied. "Then you already know the answer". "We are on a railroad bridge, and we are going this way".

"I KNOW WHERE WE ARE"! Barry screamed. "This is the bridge to...

He stopped, and looked as if he had just realised something terrible.

"Are you ok"? Jill asked.

His face started twitching, and he started groaning.

"Barry"? Rebecca asked.

Then he farted with such fury that it made Chris fall over gasping for breath.

"All better"! Barry yelled. "Where are we"?

"I give up". Scooby said. "Let's just keep going". "Hurry up, Chris"!

A few seconds later Chris could breathe again, so he got up and followed the others as they walked past an old switch station.

"Do you think that still works"? Rebecca asked.

"I doubt it". Jill replied. "But there's only one way to find out: Let's have Chris pull the switch".

Chris knew that there was no point arguing, so he walked into the station, and pulled the lever. Then to the surprise of all, it switched the tracks just like it was suposed to. But at that exact second a train came down the other line, and the switch caused it to fall off the bridge, and explode once it hit the bottom.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, CHRIS"?! Rebecca screamed.

"My god, you sick fuck"! Jill yelled. "You just killed like a hundred people"!

"But". Chris argued. "You made me do it".

"Don't change the subject, murderer"! Scooby yelled. "But we need to get the hell out of here before the cops show up"!

"He's right". Jill said. "We'll just have to take this to our grave". "What's the worst that could happen"? "Sure, in a year someone could send us threatening letters and start killing us for 'what we did last summer', but what are the odds of that happening"?

So they all took off running, and soon they came to the edge of a town that had obviously seen better days.

"North Coral, huh"? Scooby said as he read the busted up sign. "What a shit hole".

"That's not very nice". Jill said.

"No, that's what the sign says".

They looked at the sign, and it read: WELCOME TO NORTH CORAL... WHAT A SHIT HOLE.

"Hey"! A villager yelled. "There he is"! "There's that mother fucker"!

A smal angry mob suddenly came out of the rubble, and Chris screamed as he prepared for another ass whooping. But instead they ran right past him, and surrounded Barry.

"Wow". Chris said. "That's a new one".

"Damn". Rebecca replied. "I was hoping to see you cry again".

"Yeah". Jill and Scooby agreed.

"The fuck are you doing here, ass"? A villager asked.

"Uh, hi guys". Barry replied.

"Don't hi me, mother fucker"! "I thought we told you never to show your face in this town again".

"Oh, that's right".

"SO HIDE IT"!

Barry then reached into his pocket, took out a paper bag, and put it over his head.

"Ha ha, bag head"! The villager continued. "Everyone shun the bag head"!

"Shun"! The villagers yelled. "Shhhhhuuuuuuunnnnnnn"! "Shun"! "Shhhhuuunnnn"!

Barry then screamed, and ran off crying. He jumped into a sky car, and it took him far away from coral.

"Great". Jill said as the crowd disbursed. "Now he's loose". "We have to go after him before he eats someone".

They ran through the wreckage of the village, and got to the platform just as the sky car was coming back down.

"All aboard for Gold Saucer"! The ticket man yelled.

"GOLD SAUCER"! They all screamed.

They all dashed for the sky car, and began fighting over who got in first. Eventually they all got in, and a few minutes later the sky car's engines fired up, and they headed for Gold Saucer.


	39. Everybody Loves Gold Saucer

For about 10 minutes the only sound was the sky car's engines running, but then they all jumped as carnival music began to play.

Out the window they could see all the different attractions, including roller coasters, a haunted house, and chochobo racing. Chris, Jill, Rebecca, and Scooby all had their faces pressed up against the windows like kids arriving at disney land.

Then they sky car stopped, and they were greeted by a man as they stepped out.

"Greetings, customers". He said as he adjusted his sunglasses. "Welcome to what must be the funest place on the planet". "I'm Albert Wesker, the Supreme God King of Gold Saucer". "And let me tell you that nothing but good times await you at my theme park".

"Mr. Wesker". A boy said as he ran up to him. "I got 12 GP, so can I go home now"?

"Oh, so sorry, little Johnny". Wesker replied. "But you need 15 to live".

Wesker then pulled on a rope, and Johnny screamed as he fell through a trap door.

"JESUS CHRIST"! Chris screamed.

"Now where were we"? Wesker asked. "Oh, yes... here at Gold Saucer we have something for everyone". "Games, theatre, roller coasters, racing, and my personal favorite the battle square where people hack eachother to pieces for my amusement". "But no need to rush, because if you can't decide, why not stop at the food court and ice cream bar"? "We have vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, and people".

"What was that last flavor"? Chris asked.

"Strawberry". "Now make sure to have fun, and spend all of your money before you die, er, uh, before you leave".

Wesker then became a blur as he ran into the transit room and vanished down one of the tubes.

"YEA"! Rebecca squealed as she jumped up and down. "This is gonna be awesome"!

"Are you crazy"?! Chris yelled. "Did you see what just happened to that kid"?!

"Yeah, but he didn't follow the rules".

"Alright, let's split up". Jill said as they walked inside. "We need to find Barry, so I'll go with Scooby, and you can go with Chris".

"Wait a sec, why do I...

But it was too late, Jill and Scooby had already jumped down the pipe, leaving Chris and Rebecca togather.

"Well, I guess I have no choice". She said as she looked at him. "But if you fuck this up for me, I will rip your dick off and feed it to you, got it"?

"Got it". Chris quickly said.

"Good... NOW LET'S GO HAVE FUN"! "I think we should try the wonder square".

She pushed Chris down the pipe, and laughed as she jumped down after him. A few seconds later Chris slammed into the ground, and Rebecca landed feet first into his stomach.

"That was fun". She said as she moved off of him.

"Yeah". He gasped as he got up. "Great".

Chris got to his feet, and was about to talk, but something slammed into him, tackling him to the ground,and making him slide atleast 10 feet before stopping. He then looked up in disgust at the creature sitting on his stomach.

It was orange, with black stripes and large patches of fur missing. It also had bloodshot eyes, and the teeth of a meth head.

"HELLO"! It screamed at the top of it's lungs. "I'M TIGGR"! "T-I-DOUBLE F-X-Q-SOMETHING OR OTHER... NOW GIVE US A KISS"!

Tigger then started slobbering all over Chris's face.

"OH GOD, IT'S HORRIBLE"! Chris screamed as he tried to push it off. "REBECCA HELP"!

"I'm not touching that thing". Rebecca replied. "What the fuck is wrong with it's fur, anyway"?

"Oh, that". Tiggr explained as he stopped licking Chris. "I've got the mange, but that doesn't turn you off, right"?

"Actually". Chris started.

"GOOD"! "Because this is the part where I sing and hump your leg"!

Chris screamed and tried to push it away as it started humping his leg while music started playing.

"Oh, the wonderful thing about tiggrs"! He sang as he humped. "Is tiggrs are wonderful things"! "Their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms are made out of...

Suddenly the music stopped, and Tigger started snoring. A second later he farted, and Chris's leg began to feel warm and wet.

"OH MY GOD"! Chris screamed. "HE'S PEEING ON ME"!

A few seconds later he managed to kick Tiggr off of himself, and it started waking up as Chris got to his feet.

"I can't believe that just happened". Chris said as he looked at the wet spot on his leg.

"Sorry about that". Tiggr said as it got up. "I usually get through the whole song first". "Let me make it up to you by telling your fortune".

"You got 10 seconds". Chris replied. "Exactly 10 god damn seconds to get the fuck away from me before I do something not kind".

"Don't be a bitch, Chris". Rebecca replied. "It's not his fault that he couldn't finish the song".

"But he pissed on me"!

"And he said he was sorry". "What did I tell you about ruining this for me"?

Chris closed his mouth, and Rebecca turned back to Tiggr.

"We would love to have our fortunes read". She said.

"Awesome". Tiggr replied. "Just give me one sec".

It then punched itself in the stomach, and it's tongue shot out like a cash register, holding a piece of paper. It then gave it to Chris.

"Let's see". Chris said. "You will be kicked in the nuts by a fortune telling machine"?

Tiggr then pulled it's leg back, and slammed it into Chris's nuts, dropping him to the ground.

"Hey, it works"! Rebecca exclaimed. "Do another one"!

"NO"! Chris gasped.

Tiggr produced another piece of paper, and Rebecca took it.

"Hmmm". She said. "This bitch ass mother fucker is gonna get you killed". "What the hell does that mean"?

"It means that I have to go with you". Tiggr replied.

"Let me guess". "You never got one like that before, and you want to travel with us to find out what it means, right"?

"Nayh, I need a place to stay". "I just got thrown out of the locker room". "So can I come with you"?

"NO"! Chris screamed as he got up.

"Of course you can". Rebecca replied. "And you can also help us find our friend who came through here earlier".

"Awesome"! Tiggr replied. "Let's start with the battle square. "Follow me"!

He jumped down another pipe, and they followed.


	40. Let's Go To Prison

"It's right this way"! Tiggr yelled as Chris and Rebecca fell out of the tube.

They followed him up a very long flight of stairs, and into a castle of some kind.

"Wait a second". Tiggr said as he stopped. "The worms in my head tell me that something is wrong here".

Chris and Rebecca gasped as they saw that there were dead bodies laying all over the place. Tiggr then walked toward a desk, stepping over all of the bodies.

"That's better". He said as he closed the restroom door. "Damn lazy people never shut the doors". "Ok, let's move on".

"Hold it"! Chris exclaimed as he stopped him. "What about all these dead people"?

"Dead people"?

Tiggr looked down, and screamed as he jumped into Chris's arms.

"OH MY GOD"! Tiggr screamed. "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD"!

"Calm down". Rebecca ordered as she checked one of the bodies. "Hmmm, they've all been shot... you think Sephiroth could have done this"?

"No way". Chris replied as he pushed Tiggr away. "Sephiroth is scared of gun fire, and all of the victims still have their shoes".

"What is it with him and shoes"?

"I don't know". "Maybe he just really likes them".

(FLASHBACK)

Chris walked up to the closet door, and listened as he heard banging and grunting sounds coming from inside. So he kicked the door open, and a startled Sephiroth screamed as he tossed a go-go boot away and zipped up his pants.

"What the fuck, Sephiroth"? Chris asked.

"This is, er, uh, not what it looks like"! Sephiroth replied.

"Then what is it"?

Sephiroth suddenly tossed a cowboy boot at him, whacking Chris in the head. Then he grabbed a bunch of shoe boxes and ran downstairs as Chris stumbled backwards.

"YOU'll NEVER KEEP US APART"! Sephiroth screamed as he ran out of the building.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"What in the cherry pie covered hell is a goin on here"?! Wesker yelled as he walked into the room with 5 guards.

"OH SHIT, IT'S THE PO-PO"! Tiggr screamed. "RUN FOR IT"!

They ran through another door, and found themselves in a battle arena.

"Great"! Chris yelled. "What do we do now"?

"Relax". Rebecca ordered. "And let me do the talking". "Remember that the key to dealing with the cops is to stay calm".

A second later Wesker and his guards walked into the room.

"It was them"! Rebecca yelled as she pointed at Chris and Tiggr. "I was just looking for the bathroom, when I found these cracked out mother fuckers standing over the bodies"! "I mean just look at these guys"! "It's obvious that they are a gang on PCP"!

"YOU BITCH"! Chris and Tiggr yelled.

"Shut up, all of you"! Wesker yelled. "For the crime of mass murder, and not inviting me, all three of you little cock suckers are going to jail"! "GUARDS"!

The guards jumped on them, and then dragged them into another room with a pit. The three of them were then pushed to the edge.

"You can't do this"! Chris yelled. "Wesker, this is madness"!

"Madness"? Wesker asked. "THIS IS GOLD SAUCER"!

He then kicked Chris in the chest, making him fall into the pit as the guards pushed Rebecca and Tiggr in.

When Chris opened his eyes, the sun was shining, and they were laying in the middle of a run down village in the desert.

Suddenly a big guy grabbed Chris, and pulled him to his feet.

"Welcome to coral prison, fish"! He yelled. "What's your name"?

"My name is". Chris started.

"YOUR NAME IS BITCH"! "And in this place your ass is gonna get abused six ways from sunday"! "Now personally I'm not gay, but King Gorilla over there is"! "Hey King, give me a cigerette"!

A gigantic man passed him a cigerette, and then he pushed Chris to King Gorilla.

"There, I just sold you for a cigerette"! He continued. "AND I DON'T SMOKE"!

"Wait a sec". Chris said. "I know that voice...Barry"?

"Craig"? Barry asked as he took the bag off his head. "Oh shit, hey King here's your cigerette, I need to buy my bitch back".

"Fuck you". King Gorilla replied. "Give me a dollar".

Barry took a dollar out of his pocket, gave it to King Gorilla, and a second later he had Chris back.

"Boy am I glad to see you guys"! Barry yelled. "Come on, everyone's waiting in that cabin over there".

"What the fuck is going on, Barry"? Rebecca demanded.

"We're going into that cabin".

"No, numbnuts". "I mean this whole thing about you getting shuned, and all of us ending up in prison.

"Oh, that...

"Well"?

"I guess I owe you guys an explenation". "I'll tell you everything once we get inside".

"I get it". Chris said. "You don't want anyone else to hear it, huh"?

"No, I just don't wanna be outside because of the Tremors".

A bunch of tentacles suddenly shot out of the ground, and a prisoner screamed as they wrapped around him and dragged him underground.

"HOLY FUCK"! Rebecca screamed as they all shoved their way into the cabin.


	41. The Fate Of North Coral

Chris, Rebecca, and Tiggr followed Barry into the cabin, where Jill and Scooby were waiting for them.

"Hey". Barry said. "Clem is back".

"I have a question for you, Barry". Chris replied. "Why can you remember everyone's name except for mine"?

"I know your name, silly". "You're Craig". "I remember it because you're not a cock sucker like that Chris guy.

"Ok, we're all here". Rebecca said as they sat down. "Now why don't you tell us what the fuck is going on here"?

"Well". Barry began. "There was a good reason that the people in north coral called me a bag head".

"We don't care about that". Jill replied. "We want to know why you killed all thoes people at that battle square".

"I didn't kill anyone"! "It was Enrico Marini"!

(Dramatic music is played)

"Who the fuck is Enrico Marini"? Chris asked.

"Well, it all started a long time ago". Barry continued. "Back when shinra was still building it's mako reactors".

(FLASHBACK)

"Bullshit"! Enrico yelled.

"Oh, just hear him out". Barry replied. "What's the worst that could happen if they build a life sucking mako reactor a few blocks away"?

"See". Ada said. "Not only will your town get more power for less money, but the property value will skyrocket".

"But we are an opium town"! Enrico yelled. "That's how we have always got our money"!

"Oh, come on". Barry replied. "Everyone uses mako now, it's a sign of the times". "Besides, no one smokes opium anymore because crack is alot cheaper".

"Fine, but you are all gonna regret this"!

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Ok". Scooby said. "So shinra suckered you guys into getting a mako reactor". "What does that have to do with thoes dead people"?

"I'm getting to that". Barry replied. "Anyway, the reactor was built, and everything went great until 2 weeks later".

"What happened"? Jill asked.

"The reactor exploded the day after it's warrenty was up, so they got pissed at us". "It happened when me and Enrico were on our way back to town".

(FLASHBACK)

"Man, thoes Gold Saucer hookers are great". Barry said as they walked onto the railroad tracks. "I still can't believe that they did all that for only 5 gil".

"BARRY"! A man screamed. "ENRICO"!

"Hey, isn't that Johnson"? Enrico asked.

John was about 5 meters from them, when suddenly his head exploded, covering Barry and Enrico in blood.

"That's a new one". Barry said as Johnson's body fell over.

"There's more"! Ada yelled. "Kill thoes assholes"!

Enroco drew his gun, and Barry drew his gun, hitting Enrico in the jaw, and making him scream as he fell off the cliff.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"And that was the last time I saw Enrico". Barry said sadly. "And I swore that I would make thoes shinra assholes pay".

"But you tossed him of the cliff". Chris replied.

"Yeah, but he hated the shinra, so they were to blame".

"Ok". Rebecca added. "But what happened to the town"?

"Well, when I got there, shinra had set fire to the opium fields, and everyone died from an overdose". "I accidently found Sherry, and we ran like bitches till we reached midgar".

"How sad". Scooby said. "So why are the people on gold saucer dead"?

"Because Enrico is here"!

(Dramatic music is played)

"Here"? Scooby asked. "I thought you pushed him off a cliff".

"Somehow he survived". Barry continued. "And from what they tell me, he showed up here a few weeks ago, and has been murdering mother fuckers left and right". "HE HAS TO BE STOPPED"!

"So a showdown, huh"? Jill asked. "Just you and him, then"?

"Me fight Enrico"? "Are you fucking crazy"? "I was gonna have Clem do it".

"ME"?! Chris screamed.

"I'm glad you see it my way". "You're a true pal, Craig". "Not at all like that dick head, Chris".

"BUT I AM THAT DICK HEAD, CHRIS"! "I mean, I am Chris"!

"Then this is your chance to be a better person".

Chris started jumping up and down while screaming his frustration at Barry.

"Barry's right, Chris". Rebecca said. "You should go".

"Why"? Chris asked.

"Because you're the hardcore ex-SOLDIER, and also the most expendable, er, I mean you are the main character of this story".

Chris slumped as he realised that he couldn't win.

"So where is he"? Chris asked.

"Go find him". Rebecca replied. "Jesus Christ, Chris"! "Do we have to do everything for you"? "Just once I would like to see you take a little initiative". "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL HERE"!?

She tossed a vase at him, shattering it against the wall, and then Chris gasped as he ducked outside. Then he shrugged, and began his search for Enrico.


	42. Who's The Boss

Chris walked away from the cabin, and started wandering around.

"Man". He grumbled to himself. "This place is huge". "How am I ever supposed to find a single person"?

"Hey you"! Someone yelled. "New guy"!

"Huh"?

"Have you paid your respects to Mr. Coats yet"?

"Who"?

"I see... just go over to that truck over there, and tell the men inside that you are here to pay your respects".

The man walked away, and Chris figured that if Mr. Coats was the boss, he might know where to find this Enrico guy. So he walked over to a ruined semi trailer, and walked inside.

"Uh, hi". He said. "I'm here to pay my respects".

"Ok". Mr. Coats replied. "So pay them"!

He snapped his fingers, then his two goons grabbed Chris, and held him up, upside down. Then they started shaking him, making all of his gil fall to the floor.

"Thanks for the respects". Mr. Coats laughed as he picked up the money. "Now get this garbage out of my sight".

They started dragging him toward the door.

"Wait"! Chris yelled. "I'm looking for a guy named Enrico"!

The three of them gasped, and dropped Chris to the floor.

"How do you know Enrico"? Mr. Coats demanded.

"Do you know him"? Chris asked.

"Know him"? "He's the boss around here"! "He's the one who decides who gets to go up the elevator for chance at getting out of here"!

Chris froze. Had he heard this guy right.

"Wait a second". Chris said. "You're telling me that this guy can get me out of here"?

"Yeah". He replied. "If the boss let's you go up, you get to compete in the chochobo race, and if you win, you and your whole party get to go free".

Chris was suddenly filled with a happyness that he hadn't felt since the first time he whacked off. This was his chance to impress Jill and Rebecca, and also to earn the respect of everyone else in the group.

"I can see it all now". He said to himself. "I will get Enrico's permission to use the elevator, then I will use my awesome skills to win the race, and Jill will be like oh Chris I knew that you would save me, and Rebecca will be like back off bitch he's mine, and I'll be like ok ladies the only way to decide which one of you gets a ride on the sex master is for you to rip off eachother's clothes and oil wrestle for it".

"What the fuck is wrong with you"? Mr. Coats asked.

Chris then realised that he was still in the trailer, and he turned red with shame.

"Get this loser out of here". He ordered.

A second later the goons tossed Chris out on his ass, and he stood up to begin his search.

He turned and started walking, only to walk right into a large man about the same size of Barry.

"Watch it, chunky". Chris warned. "I'm Chris Redfield, hardcore ex-SOLDIER, and professional ping pong player". "Who are you to walk into my path like a dumbass"?

He suddenly drew a large handgun, and pointed it at Chris's head.

"I'm Enrico Marini". He replied as he cocked the hammer back. "The guy who is about to blow your fucking head off, son".

Chris screamed and started running as Enrico fired, making the bullet hit a tire instead, deflating it as Chris ran toward the edge of town.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid"! Chris yelled at himself as bullets hit all around him. "One of these days my mouth is gonna get me killed"!

He rounded a corner, and Enrico was waiting for him.

"Weren't you just..."? Chris asked. "How did you do get over here so fast"?

"You like that, huh"? Enrico asked. "I learned it from an old lady in sector 5 of the midgar slums". "And for my next trick I will make your entire upper body dissapear". "Any last words"?

"Yes, please don't shoot me".

"Sorry, I got to". "So enjoy your last 3 seconds".

Enrico aimed the gun, and Chris started crying as he pulled the hammer back.

"1...2...". Enrico counted.

It looked like it was all over, but then Enrico screamed as a Tremor shot out of the ground, wrapped him up in it's tentacles, and took him underground, leaving only his gun.

So after pissing himself, and standing there like an idiot for a few minutes, Chris picked up the gun, and started walking back to the trailer.

"I can't wait to see the look on their faces". He said to himself. "This is gonna be great".

He kicked open the door, barged inside, and tossed the gun down on Mr. Coats's desk.

"Look fimiliar"? Chris asked. "It used to be your boss's before I beat his ass".

"You beat Enrico"? He asked.

"Not only did I beat him, but I also made him cry for mercy". "Then I put him in a dress and fucked him in the ass because that's how hardcore killers like me roll, you feelin me, home skillit"?

Suddenly a young man burst into the room.

"Hey, Mr. Coats, did you hear"? He asked. "Enrico got eaten by a Tremor, and some dick hole took his gun". "Can you believe that shit"?

The young man then ran off, and Chris just stood there with the color draining out of his face.

"Made him cry, huh"? Mr. Coats asked.

"It's not what you think"! Chris quickly yelled.

"You know, normally I would have you beaten and shot for that, but since it was a good story I will let you use the elevator.

"You will"?

"Sure... I"ll even give you a five second head start before I release the hounds". "1...2...3...

Chris quickly turned heel and ran for the large elevator as fast as he could. A second later the hounds were right on his heels.

The head start was all he needed, and it looked like he was gonna make it, but then he saw that the elevator was moving, so he ran faster and did a matrix jump, making him fly inside the open elevator, and crash against the wall.

"Ha ha"! He yelled as he got up. "Stupid dogs can't get me"! See you at the top, suckers"!

It was then that he noticed that he wasn't going up any higher, and it dawned on him that the elevator was moving down instead of up.

"Oh, shit". He said as the dogs ran at him.

Then he screamed like a sissy girl as the elevator started going up.


	43. Race For Your Freedom

After a few minutes the elevator reached the top, and the inner door opened.

Chris kept screaming and kicking the dogs as he tried to crawl away, then he kicked one more time, and the door closed, trapping the dogs as the elevator went back down.

"Oh thank god". Chris whispered. "I thought I was dead".

"You still are". A man said as he grabbed Chris and pulled him to his feet.

Chris then gasped in horror as he found himself face to face with none other then Wesker.

"Well, well". Wesker said as he let go. "So you're the little fuck tard who did Enrico in". "That's pretty impressive, since my computer gauged you as a complete failure in every way". "But don't think that you're out of the woods yet, my boy".

"Wait a second". Chris replied. "If you knew about Enrico, why did you throw us down into the prison"?

"Don't change the subject, if you and your friends want out of here alive, you are gonna have to win the chocobo race".

"The chocobo race"? "But I don't know how to ride a chocobo".

Wesker smiled.

"Well, that's an easy fix". He said. "DEMONSTRATION"!

Three chocobos suddenly ran out of the stables, and surrounded Chris.

"Riding a chocobo is simple, Chris". Wesker continued. "If you want a chocobo to go left, they will do this".

The chocobos all began moving left in a circle around Chris.

"And right". Wesker continued. "They will do this".

The chocobos moved right.

"I think I get it". Chris said.

"And finally". Wesker replied. "If a chocobo doesn't like you, they will do this".

The three chocobos rushed at Chris, and he screamed as they knocked him down and began jumping up and down on him.

"DEMONSTRATION ENDED"! Wesker screamed as the birds walked away. "This concludes our lesson, get ready for the next race".

Wesker walked away, leaving Chris cowering in a fetal position.

"Attention, chocobo jockeys". The announcer said. "Report to the stables right the fuck now".

Chris started to get up, and suddenly he was carried away by a group of little people. The next thing he knew, he was sitting on top of a yellow chocobo at the start line of the race.

"How did I get here"? Chris asked.

"Three...two". The counter began. "One...go"!

The racers took off like a shot, and Chris expected the same thing, but instead his bird grabbed him with it's wings, tossed him to the ground, and started stomping him.

The crowd was going insane, and there were a few who weren't too happy about the yellow one's performance.

"Shit"! Liquid yelled as he looked at his ticket. "Why did I have to bet on the yellow one"?

There was a man with a ticket sitting next to him, and no one was looking, so Liquid pushed him off the back of the stands, and grabbed the ticket as the man fell to a grizley death on the rocks below.

"Oh, god damn it"! Liquid yelled as he looked at it. "He bet on yellow, too"! "Oh well, good thing I covered the track with bear traps".

People in the crowd soon began screaming as the racers reached the bear traps. This caused the birds to get their legs chopped off, and made the jockeys fall off the edge of the track.

"Oh, well". Liquid said as he sat back down. "They shouldn't build a track up so high".

Meanwhile, Chris had escaped from his chocobo, and was now running down the track as it chased him.

"Nice birdy"! Chris yelled as he ran. "Nice birdy"!

Suddenly it jumped onto his back, covered his eyes with it's wings, and began pecking his head.

"OH GOD, GET HIM OFF ME"! Chris screamed as he ran blindly down the track.

A few minutes later he ran into the wall, and the chocobo fell off as victory music began to play. The crowd cheered, and that was when Chris realised that he was over the finish line.

"I won"? He asked as he stood up.

Everyone in the crowd who bet on yellow started cheering, and Liquid made a mental note of who they were before he tossed a rock into the back of a big guy's head.

Just as predicted, the big guy punched the man behind him, and soon a full scale riot had broken out in the stands. Then after a minute, Liquid crawled out from under the crowd with every yellow ticket.

"I'm gonna be rich"! He yelled as he ran to the ticket booth. "So long, losers"!

Meanwhile, Chris had somehow found his way back to the jockey's waiting area, where Wesker was waiting for him.

"Well, well". Wesker said as Chris walked in. "You are just full of surprises, aren't you"?

"What can I say"? Chris asked with a smile. "It's a talent".

"Yes, it's a talent to race at the same time that some asshole puts bear traps on the track, huh"? "I should kill you right here, but instead I want you out with a capital WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE"?!

"But... we don't have a way to cross the deserts and rivers". Chris whined.

"Oh, so you want transportation, huh"? "Alright, I'll give you the family truckster".

(Dramatic music is played)

"What's a family truckster"? Chris asked.

"You'll find it down in the prison". Wesker replied. "Now get the fuck out"!

He spun Chris around, and booted him in the ass, sending him back into the elevator. Unfortionatly there was no elevator in the shaft, so he screamed as he went all the way back down into the prison.

"Hey, Charlie". A prisoner said to another prisoner. "Why did you decide to move your entire stock of horse manure to the bottom of the elevator shaft.

Suddenly Chris slammed into the pile, scattering shit everywhere.

"There you go". Charlie replied as they walked away. "Now we don't have to spread it around ourselves.

A few seconds later Chris pulled himself out of the manure, and was spitting it out as his group walked up to him.

"Wow, Chris". Rebecca said. "You give a whole new meaning to the term, shitfaced".

They all started laughing, then Chris jumped into a rain barrel, turning it black as he got back out.

An old woman then walked to the barrel, and sniffed it.

"Soup's done". She said as she walked back into the cabin.

"Well, well". Jill said as Chris dried off. "Chris actually did something right". "Now how's about we get out of here"?

"Sure". Chris replied. "Wesker said that the family truckster was around here somewhere".

Suddenly they spotted an old 70's green station wagon complete with metalic wood panels.

"Oh, jesus christ". Scooby said.

"Yep, there she is". Chris replied. "Now all I need is a thank you blow job, and we can be on your way".

He screamed as Tiggr tackled him, and the others got in the truckster.

"NO"! Chris screamed. "NOT YOU, NO"!

He kicked Tiggr away, and jumped into the truckster's driver seat. A second later Tigger got into the back.

"Ok, where's my payment"? Tiggr whispered.

"Here". Rebecca replied as she handed him a small plastic bag with some coke inside.

"Ok, everyone". Chris said as he turned the key. "Hold on"!

After a few engine stalls, and Chris backing into a cabin...

"D FOR DRIVE, CHRIS"! Everyone screamed.

...The family truckster took off across the desert at a blazing 45 mph toward their next destination.


	44. A Ruined Reactor

"Pull, you worthless asses"! Jill yelled as she cracked her whip.

"Put your god damn backs into it"! Rebecca yelled as she cracked her whip.

The family truckster was stuck halfway across a shallow river, with Jill and Rebecca sitting on top of it with whips, and Chris Barry Scooby and Tiggr hooked up to it like horses, trying to pull it across.

"OW"! Tiggr screamed as the whip hit him. "This is worse then sucking dick for crack"!

"ROAR"! Barry screamed. "BARRY FURIOUS"! "Who's dumbass idea was it to try and cross a river in a station wagon, anyway"?!

"YOUR'S"! Everyone screamed.

"Oh yeah... well, why didn't anyone try to stop me"?

"WE DID"!

(FLASHBACK)

The family truckster lumbered it's way out of the desert, and onto the grass.

"Thank god". Rebecca said. "We're finally out of that desert".

"Uh, oh". Chris replied. "There's a river up ahead, we'll have to find another way around".

"WE MUST PRESS FORWARD"! Barry screamed.

He then dove over the seat, and everyone screamed as Barry slammed his foot down on the gas.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Why don't I remember any of this"? Barry asked.

"BECAUSE YOU'RE A DUMBASS"! Chris and Scooby yelled.

Suddenly Chris screamed as both whips hit him.

"Less talking"! Jill yelled. "More pulling"!

"Move it, you silly beast of burdin"! Rebecca yelled. "I don't want to be out here all god damn day"!

After another hour or so of pulling, the family truckster was freed from the river, and they all fell over from exaustion.

"Alright, break's over". Jill said as she and Rebecca got into the car. "Let's go, boys".

"But, we're tired"! Chris whined.

"Awwww, poor baby". Rebecca replied. "You know, Chris, if you kill yourself you won't have to suffer anymore".

"She's got a point, you know". Tiggr replied.

"For the last time"! Chris yelled. "I'm not killing myself"!

"Just a suggestion".

"Whatever"! Scooby replied. "Let's just get back into the car, and get on with it"! "Don't worry, once we get to Cosmo Canyon, they got some peyote there that will blow your fucking mind".

"YEA"! Tiggr yelled.

It took them a few minutes, but eventually they got up and back into the car. Somehow it still worked after being dragged out of a river, so they continued on their way.

"Hey, what's that"? Rebecca asked.

They looked out the window, and saw what looked like a ruined mako reactor.

"Let's check it out". Jill said.

Everyone groaned, but they knew what Jill would do to them if they disobeyed her. So Chris drove up to the edge of a trail, and it was good old fasion foot power from there on in.

"I don't see the point in this". Chris said as they walked toward the reactor. "It's just a ruined reactor".

"I know a point you will get". Rebecca replied. "It's the one at the end of my boot as it flys up your ass if you don't shut up".

A minute later they entered a clearing, and not long after that they walked inside what was left of the reactor.

"Well, congratulations". Scooby said. "You just wasted 20 minutes of our time".

"This is all Chris's fault". Jill replied.

"MY FAULT"?! Chris screamed.

"Ha, so you admit it"! "If you didn't always have to check out everything that we come across, we could be getting high in cosmo canyon by now". "I hope that you lose sleep over this one".

"Hold it"! Scooby whispered. "Something's coming"!

They took cover as a shinra helicopter came into view. It then landed, and Ada and Jackie Chan stepped out.

"Oh, god damn it"! Ada yelled. "This one's fucked, too".

"I told you it was ruined". Jackie replied.

"Did anyone ask you to talk"? "Jesus, where do they find you guys"?

"At recruiting stations". "Where did they find you, on a street corner"?

"How dare you, you filthy little bastard"?! "Do you know who I am"?

"Yeah, you are one stone cold bee-otch".

Ada growled with anger, then she walked back toward the helicopter.

"That's it". She said. "No more MTV for the Turks".

"Oh, I was just kidding". Jackie replied as he followed her. "You can't take Cribs away from us".

They got back in, and a few seconds later the helicopter lifted off the ground, and flew out of sight.

"Well, that was great". Chris said as they came out of hiding. "If thoes two are here, then we need to get the fuck out, now"!

"Relax". Tiggr replied. "My feline instincts are honed to prefection, and will go off if danger is around".

"Good enough for me". Scooby said. "So let's go".

They quickly ran across the clearing, and back into the forested trail.

"Alright". Jill said. "The car is just ahead, so it looks like we made

Suddenly Goldburg and Mila jumped out, tackling Jill and Rebecca to the ground. Then Jet Li took down Chris and Scooby, while Jackie Chan tackled Barry and Tiggr.

"I thought you could sense danger"! Chris yelled.

"I can". Tiggr replied. "...Oh, you guys probably wanted me to tell you about it, huh"?

"Well, well, well". Jet Li said as they were all pulled to their feet. "Imagine running into you guys way out here".

"Yeah, who knew"? Rebecca replied. "But we really gotta be going".

"Oh, well far be it from me to keep people if they are busy". "Tell you what, I will let you guys go, if your ex-SOLDIER stays for an ass kicking".

"Aw, man". Chris said sadly.

"Fair enough". Jill replied.

They all then ran to the car, leaving Chris to deal with the Turks alone.

"Alright". Jet Li said. "What should we do with him"?

"Let's make him eat a bunch of poisen sumac"! Mila yelled.

"Let's strip him down, cover him in honey, and feed him to the ants"! Goldburg yelled.

"JESUS CHRIST"! Chris replied. "What the fuck is wrong with you people"?!

Mila suddenly kicked him in the nuts, dropping him.

"I know"! Jackie Chan yelled. "Let's hold him down and shove a cucumber up his ass"!

Everyone stopped and looked at him.

"Sounds ok". Jet Li replied. "Guys"?

"That'll work". Mila said.

"Let's do it". Goldburg said. "GRAB HIM"!

Meanwhile the others were waiting at the car, when suddenly there was alot of screaming, and a few minutes later Chris came out of the woods walking funny.

"What happened"? Scooby asked.

"I don't wanna talk about it". Chris replied as he got in. "Can we just go"?

"Dude". Barry said. "There's a cucumber sticking out of your ass"!

Chris hid his face in shame as everyone laughed, then Jill got behind the wheel, and a few minutes later they were on their way.


	45. Ninja Girl Attacks

The family truckster continued driving across the plains, and soon entered a very large forest. Chris was once again driving since he was able to remove his cucumber problem, and so far nothing bad had happened.

"Jill". Tiggr said. "I have to pee".

"Go fuck yourself". She replied. "We're not stopping".

"I'm serious, I really have to go". "And if we don't stop, I'll piss all over the seat".

"You do that, then I'll cut you open, and use your insides to soak it all up, leaving you in the same position that you are in right now".

Tiggr sat back down, and all was quiet for a few minutes.

"Jill". Scooby whined. "Barry's eating all of my beggin strips".

"IT'S BACON"! Barry screamed, spitting crumbs all over the seat.

"THAT'S IT"! Jill screamed. "STOP THE GOD DAMN CAR"!

Chris hit the breaks, and then turned off the engine.

"Everybody out"! Jill yelled.

They all got out of the station wagon.

"Ok, listen up". Jill said. "Because I'm only gonna say this one time". "I AM NOT YOUR GOD DAMN MOMMY"! "If you have to pee, then stick it out the window"! "If someone is eating your food, then kill them for all I care"!

"Hold on". Rebecca interupted. "Did you hear that"?

"Hear what"?

They listened, and it sounded like something was moving toward them at a high rate of speed. Then suddenly a blonde girl appeared, swinging toward them on a vine. This caused Chris to scream as she slammed into him, and they both flew off into the forest before crashing a good distance away.

"Holy shit"! Tiggr yelled. "That cute chick just took Chris away"!

"Great". Rebecca replied. "So let's get outa here before she brings him back".

Meanwhile, Chris and the mysterious girl had crashed deeper into the forest.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She asked as they got up.

"What was I thinking"? Chris replied. "I'm not the one swinging through the forest like a lunitic".

"No, you were just the asshole who jumped in my way, ruining a perfectly good swing". "Do you know how long it took me to find a route that wouldn't make me slam into a tree"?

Chris thought for a second, but nothing came to him.

"A long fucking time"! Ashley yelled. "And once I had it down perfectly, some assclown leaps into my way like fat kid chasing an ice cream truck"! "I am so gonna kick your ass"!

"Now hold on a second". Chris replied. "Look, I'm sorry that I ruined your swing". "I'm Chris Redfield, is there any way that I can make it up to you"?

"I'm Ashley the ninja girl". "And if you want to make it up to me, you can practice falling down so that this doesn't take too long".

"No need for practice, because I'm already an expert".

Ashley then pulled a knife out of her boot.

"Woah, wait a second". Chris said as he backed up. "What are you gonna do with that"?

"Oh, just some wood carving". She replied. "What the hell do you think I'm gonna do with this"?! "I'm gonna jam it right through your fricken skull, that's what"?!

Chris screamed as she rushed at him, but suddenly Tiggr leaped out of the bushes, tackling her.

"HELLO, CUTIE"! He screamed. "I'M TIGGR"!

She kicked him between the legs, and pushed him over. Then she got to her feet.

"Oh, losers". She said. "I was gonna kill you with that knife, but not anymore". "Now I'm gonna kill you with this".

She reached behind a bush, and pulled out a three foot stick that had a rabid weasel duct taped to the end of it.

"JESUS CHRIST"! Chris and Tiggr yelled.

She swung it, but then Scooby leaped out, grabbed the stick with his teeth, and got stuck between two trees.

"Oh, shit"! He yelled. "Um, I'm stuck here"!

"How many of you are there"? Ashley demanded. "And why do you all suck"?

"BARRY CRUSH"! Barry screamed as he charged at her full speed.

"Holy fuck"! She yelled as she dove out of the way.

Barry ran past her, and ran into the two trees that Scooby was stuck between. His momentum completely uprooted them, and he pushed them into Chris and Tiggr before falling, pinning them all down.

They all started screaming as the weasel attacked, and Ashley just stood there laughing as Jill and Rebecca walked out.

"Wow". Rebecca said. "Not only did you take them out, but you did it in a way that was both amusing and creative".

"You must join us on our quest". Jill added.

"What quest"? Ashley asked.

Jill and Rebecca just stood there.

"Hey, Chris". Jill called. "What the hell is our quest, again"?

"Find Sephiroth"! He screamed as he held the weasle just inches from his face. "FOR GOD'S SAKE, HELP ME"!

Ashley thought for a second.

"Ok, I'm in". She said.

"I knew you were a good person". Rebecca replied. "You can't resist a nobel cause like ours, can you"?

"Sure can, it's just that I've been lost in this forest for weeks, and you guys seem to know where you're going".

"Fair enough, let's go".

The three of them began walking toward the station wagon.

"Hold it". Rebecca said. "Are we forgetting something"?

She then walked over to where the guys were still stuck with the weasel.

"I knew you wouldn't leave us". Chris said.

Rebecca then reached into his pocket, took the keys, and walked away.

"Hey"! Chris screamed. "HEY"!

"Relax, Craig"! Barry yelled as he drew his gun. "I can get us out of this"!

He aimed at the weasel, but the weasel was right in front of Chris's face.

"NO"! Chris screamed as he fired.

He missed, making a large hole in the dirt just an inch away from Chris.

"Barry, seriously"! Chris yelled as he started crying.

"I'LL SAVE YOU, CRAIG"! Barry screamed as he began firing at random.

Chris screamed and pissed himself as the bullets hit the ground all around him.

Jill then came out of nowhere, grabbed the weasel, and tossed it away.

"There". She said. "Was that so god damn hard"? "Now get your asses up, and get back to the car before I get mad".

She walked away as they got to their feet, and a few seconds later they all walked back to the car.


	46. The Red Mountains

After a few more hours of driving through dense forests, the family truckster emerged from within the trees, and began going up a very red mountain.

"We're almost there". Scooby said happily.

"Why is everything so red"? Ashley asked.

"IT'S BLOOD"! Barry screamed.

"It is not blood". Jill replied. "The sun just hits at a different angle here".

"IT'S BLOOD"!

"It's just the sun, Barry".

"IT'S BLOOD"!

"Whatever, I give up".

"Hey, what's that"? Rebecca asked.

There was some black smoke coming from around the bend, and when they got there, they saw that it was a purple plane, and that the engine was smoking while someone was trying to fix it.

"We should stop and help". Tiggr said.

"No way". Chris replied. "I know who's plane that is, and we're better off getting out of here as fast as we can".

"Don't be so heartless, Chris". Scooby replied. "Besides, maybe helping him will make him see the error of his ways, kind of like the grinch in that jim carrey movie".

"No way am I stopping this car".

Tiggr suddenly jumped into the front seet, and cranked the wheel to the side, making everyone scream as the car slammed into the mountain next to the plane.

"What the fuck are you thinking"?! Chris yelled.

"Thinking"? Tiggr asked. "Hmmm, I'm thinking of how much I need my fix right now".

"Well, what the fuck are we gonna do now"?

Suddenly the driver door was ripped open, and Chris screamed as he was pulled outside.

"Well, well". Liquid said. "Look who it is". "When is the last time that someone kicked the shit out of you"?

"Well, um". Chris started. "30 days has september... it's not a leap year ...carry the 2... about 3 hours ago".

"YOU'RE DUE"!

He then punched Chris in the stomach, and roundhouse kicked him in the head, sending him down. Liquid was about to stomp him again, when he suddenly stopped.

"Since you're here". Liquid said. "You don't happen to have an extra spark plug, do you"?

"What"? Chris asked. "You just kicked my ass, and now you want me to help you"?

"Basicly, yes". "Either that or I can resume your beating, the choice is yours".

"We don't have any spark plugs, asshole". Ashley said as she got out. "And that's our punching bag that you're bullying, so step the fuck off or feel the wrath of me".

Liquid stood there for a second and then started laughing.

"Cute". He said as he reached back into the plane. "Since you entertained me, you can each have a cookie".

He pulled out a box from under the seat, and tossed it to her.

She caught it, opened the box, and gasped.

"Liquid"! She exclaimed. "These cookies are laced with cocaine"!

"Really"? Liquid asked. "No wonder I couldn't eat just one".

Tiggr suddenly leaped out of the car, tail whipped Ashley, and gobbled all of the cookies.

"COCAINE'S A HELL OF A DRUG"! Tiggr screamed as he spit out crumbs.

During this, none of them noticed Liquid as he walked over to the car, and opened the hood.

"Hey"! Chris yelled. "What are you doing"!?

"Well, I need a spark plug". Liquid replied. "So I'm taking yours".

He pulled it out, closed the hood, and walked back to his plane after stepping on Chris along the way. Then he put it into his plane, and fired it up.

"Thanks, guys". He said as he got in. "I'm off to Rocket Town, see ya".

A few seconds later he took off, leaving them stranded.

"Way to go, Chris"! Rebecca yelled. "You just let him walk away with our stuff"!

"But he hits really hard". Chris replied as he got up. "And I didn't see you guys trying to stop him".

"Oh, so it's the women's job, huh"? Jill asked. "What kind of a man are you"?

"So what do we do now"? Ashley asked.

Jill smiled an evil smile.

"I think the boys know". She replied.

A few minutes later the family truckster was moving again.

"This is great"! Ashley yelled as she cracked her whip.

"KOONTA"! Barry screamed as the whip hit him. "KOONTA KEENTAI"!

"What"? Chris Tiggr and Scooby asked.

Chris then screamed as the whip hit him.

"Horsey's don't talk"! Rebecca yelled. "Now pull, you mules"!

"I thought we were horsey's". Tiggr replied.

The whip hit Chris again, making him scream.

"But Tiggr said it"! Chris yelled.

"One team, one fight"! Jill replied. "If one of you fucks up, everyone has to pay"! "Now get moving, I want to be at Cosmo Canyon by nightfall"!

They continued screaming and pulling the car as the whips kept hitting them.


	47. The Master Of Cosmo Canyon

As they pulled the family truckster up the mountain, the sound of drums filled the air.

"What's that sound"? Chris asked.

He then screamed as the whip struck him.

"Lazy little bastards"! Jill yelled. "If you can talk, then you aren't pulling as fast as you can"!

They kept pulling for a few minutes, then rounded a corner, and saw a large staircase.

"COSMO CANYON"! Scooby screamed.

He then chewed through the ropes, and ran for the stairs.

"Let's follow him". Rebecca said as she jumped off the car.

The others followed her, and they ran up the stairs, reaching the top just after Scooby passed the guards.

"Hey, Scooby". One of the guards said. "Are these friends of your's"?

"Hell no". Scooby replied. "In fact, kill these mother fuckers where they stand... starting with Chris"!

"WHAT"?! Chris screamed. "Why me"?!

The guards raised their swords, but then stopped when an old man came out.

"Hold it right there". Master Roshi ordered. "That's not how we welcome guests at Cosmo Canyon... especially when they are three girls that have all the right stuff in all the right places".

He started drooling as he looked Jill Rebecca and Ashley up and down.

"Master". Scooby whispered. "Control yourself".

"Say"! Master Roshi said as he came back to reality. "How would you ladies like to come up to my place for a little, um, planet gazing"?

They just looked at him.

"What about the others"? Scooby asked.

"Hmmm". Master Roshi said as he looked at Chris, Barry, and Tiggr. "The stuffed cat can stay... and the big one is obviously not all there, so he can stay too".

"YEA"! Tiggr yelled. "Come on, Barry, let's get us some Peyote"!

"BARRY HAPPY"! Barry screamed as they ran off.

"Ok". Scooby said. "But what about Chris".

"Hmmm". Master Roshi said as he looked at Chris. "The last thing I need is another man around".

"Chris, a man"? Ashley whispered. "That's a good one".

"So, since you came here to take my women from me, I banish you to the caves below Cosmo Canyon"!

(Dramatic music is played)

The guards suddenly grabbed Chris, and started dragging him away.

"Let's see how you like it". Master Roshi said. "When the Z tribe gets ahold of you". "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!

The guards took Chris into the mountain, opened a secret passage, and kicked Chris in the ass, making him fall down a large hole as they shut the door.

"Well, now that that's over". Master Roshi continued. "How about we go up to my place, huh ladies"?

They shrugged, and followed him up several flights of stairs, before coming to a large house on top of the mountain.

"Nice place". Ashley said as they walked in.

"Damn right it is". Roshi replied. "If this shack's a rockin, don't come a knockin, HA HA"!

"Uh, right". Jill replied.

They followed him inside, and they all stepped onto a lift. A few seconds later they came up into a simulator room, and Roshi grabbed a small box.

"Now". He said. "I want you ladies to smoke this stuff".

"What is it"? Jill asked.

"It's my finest Peyote... which also happens to be laced with LSD".

"Sweet"! Rebecca exclaimed. "Give me a hit of that shit"!

Roshi put it into a pipe, and they passed it around.

Once they all took a few hits, Roshi pushed a button, and the simulator showed a whole bunch of planets swirling around them.

"Far out". Ashley said. "God I'm stoned".

Suddenly the girls passed out, and Roshi began jumping up and down.

"HA HA"! He yelled. "Roshi, old man, you still got it"! "Now, let's see...

Meanwhile outside, Scooby Barry and Tiggr were smokin the stuff they had in Vietnam, and were laying next to the bondfire.

"Hey, guys". Scooby said. "You ever think that the stars are looking at us"? "Nosey mother fuckers".

"Don't worry, they can't see us". Tiggr replied. "We're too far away".

"You think"?

"Sure". "If they could see us, then they'd squeal on us for smokin this shit".

"Oh, yeah... what do you think, Barry"?

"I think". Barry replied. "That C-A-T really spells dog".

"Wow, that's deep, man". "Hey, I wonder if Chris is having as much fun as we are".

Meanwhile, down in the underground caves...


	48. Evil Underground Warriors

After being booted in the ass, Chris flew headfirst into the hidden chamber, and down a large hole, bouncing off a few rock ledges, before crashing to the ground.

He looked back up just in time to see the door closing, and as he got to his feet, he knew that he was trapped. So he did what any man with balls of solid rock would do in his place.

"HELP"! He screamed. "SOMEONE HELP"! "IT'S DARK AND SCARY, AND EVERYTHING DOWN HERE PROBABLY WANTS TO KICK MY ASS"! "MY GOD... IT'S JUST LIKE HIGH SCHOOL"!

A sound made him stop screaming. It sounded like some rocks sliding, and appeared to be coming from inside a small cave.

"A cave within a cave"? Chris asked as he looked at it. "Who knew"?

He was about to step inside, but then he stopped as his cowardly instincts kicked in.

"Damn, that was close". He said to himself. "I can't believe that I almost went in there". "Only a complete dumbass would do such a thing".

Then he saw something glowing, and walked right in like a complete dumbass.

He reached the glowing thing, and when he blew the dust off, he saw that it was a small orange ball with three black stars on it.

"Oooo, pretty". He said as he reached for it.

Suddenly someone grabbed him from behind, and dragged him from the cave, before tossing him to the ground.

"So". The man said. "Another dick cheese trying to steal the dragonballs, huh"?

"Who are you"? Chris asked.

He then grabbed Chris, lifted him to his feet, and got right in his face.

"I'm Goku"! He yelled. "I'll be the one handing out your slow and painful death today"! "Hold him, Piccolo"!

Goku pushed Chris to a large green man, who held his arms while Goku started punching Chris in the stomach.

"Ok". Goku said as he stopped punching. "I'm gonna give you one chance to live". "Tell me where the seventh dragonball is, and we will let you go".

"I don't know"! Chris yelled. "I just got here, and that old man tossed me in here"!

"A likely story". Piccolo replied. "And I suppose that you aren't looking for these dragonballs, either"?

"No"! "I've never heard of them"!

"Well, that's ok". "Because I have ways of jogging your memory".

He suddenly tossed Chris to the ground, then he and Goku began stomping him.

"Are you ready to talk yet"? Goku asked as they stopped.

"I don't know anything"! Chris screamed.

"Well then... I'm gonna have to cut you".

"You're gonna WHAT"?!

Goku then pulled a switchblade out of his boot, and Chris shreiked as it opened.

"Now hold still". Goku said. "Because this is really going to hurt".

"What are you gonna do"?!

"Simple, I'm gonna start by carving Bob Sagat's name into your ass". "Then I'm gonna reach down your throat, grab your ass, and turn you inside out". "Doesn't that sound fun"?

"NO"!

"He wasn't talking to you"! Piccolo replied. "I think it sound's like a whole lot of fun". "Almost as much fun as what I'm gonna do to you once he's done".

"What are YOU gonna do"?

"You'll find out". "Let's just say that it involves vasoline, a banana, and some duct tape".

"Enough talk". Goku interupted. "Let's just do this".

Chris screamed as Goku went to stab him, but at the last second part of the wall exploded, sending them all flying across the chamber.

"Shit"! Goku yelled. "They found us"!

Chris looked, and as the smoke cleared, he saw Vegeta and Trunks standing there.

"So". Vegeta said. "You thought you would torture that little piggy until he talks, and take the dragonballs for yourselves, huh"?

"LET ME KILL'EM"! Trunks screamed. "I REALLY WANNA KILL'EM"! "STARTING WITH THAT ONE"!

"Why is it always me"? Chris asked.

Vegeta and Trunks suddenly attacked, and the battle allowed Chris to run like a bitch.

He ran back to the first chamber, climbed up a rope, went up a few ladders, and finally reached the door.

"LET ME OUT"! He screamed as he banged on the door. "LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT"!

"And where do you think you're going"? Goku asked.

Chris turned around to see all four of them floating in the air.

"We've come to a conclusion". Piccolo said as Chris backed up against the door. "We've decided to put aside our differences and work togather". "What does this mean to you"? "It means that we are all going to beat the ever-loving shit out of you, and only after you tell us where the seventh dragonball is, will we allow you the sweet mercy of death".

Chris screamed as they flew toward him, but suddenly he fell backwards as the door opened, and then it closed, trapping the Z warriors inside.

He was about to thank his rescuer, but then he recieved a kick in the ribs.

"So". Rebecca said. "While the rest of us were planning our next move, you were playing down there, huh"? "Jesus Christ, Chris, will you ever learn to take things seriously"?

"But...I...but". Chris stammered.

"Save it, Chris". "Everyone is waiting down by the bondfire, SO MOVE YOUR ASS"!

She walked away, and a few minutes later Chris followed her toward the bondfire.


	49. Around The Bondfire

After getting to his feet, Chris followed Rebecca down some stairs, to a large bondfire where everyone was sitting.

"Well". Jill said. "It's about fucking time, Chris". "I swear, it must be nice to be able to play around all day and have everyone wait for you".

"Play around"? Chris asked. "Do you have any idea what I just went thru down there"?

"Better question". "Do I give a flying fuck"? "The answer is no, now sit your ass down before I throw you in the fire".

Chris said nothing as he sat down.

"Ok". Scooby said. "Now that we are all here, I will tell you the secret of this fire". "If you stare into it for long enough, you will recieve a vision of your future... well, either that or your retnas will melt, leaving you blind... but oh what the hell, right"? "Chris goes first".

Scooby kicked Chris toward the fire, and he was about to object, but instead found himself stairing right into the flames.

"Hey, guys". He said. "I see something".

An image formed in the flames. It was all of them standing on a boat that looked like Liquid's plane. The image then shifted to Chris punching Liquid in the face as hard as he could.

"That hurt, Chris". Liquid said. "Not physicaly, but emotionaly". "And since I don't like having my feelings hurt, I'm gonna have to drown you".

The image faded away, and Chris moved away from the flames.

"That was weird". He said.

"My turn". Ashley said as she moved up to the flames.

She looked in, and an image formed of her walking through a forest of some kind.

"For the last time". She said. "Get the fuck away from me, or I will kill you".

"You want me to leave"? Leon asked. "Or maybe that's what you WANT me to think".

"Yes, Leon, it is what I want you to think".

The image faded away as she moved out of the fire.

"Who the fuck is Leon"? She asked.

"My turn". Rebecca said as she moved up to the fire.

She staired at it, and an image formed of Chris standing at the top of a snowboard track.

"Watch this, Rebecca". He said as he got on the snowboard. "I will impress you with my snowboarding skills so much that you will strip down and fuck me".

She then pushed him, and he screamed as he began rolling down in a giant snowball.

"There"! She called. "I just fucked you"! "Was it good"?

The image faded away, and Rebecca smiled as she went back to her spot.

"Alright, that's enough". Master Roshi said as he walked up. "I'm afraid that this fire is no longer available for use".

"I get it". Rebecca replied. "Because knowing too much about the future is dangerous, and the actions we take based on that knowledge could have serious consequences on the future, right"?

"No, someone is in the bathroom, and I need somewhere to piss".

He then unzipped his pants, and after a few seconds the fire was out.

"Ewwwww". Ashley said as he zipped up.

"Well, that's that". Roshi continued. "It's about time for you folks to be moving on".

"Aw, that's too bad". Scooby replied. "You guys have a nice trip".

"You're going with them, Scooby".

"What"?! "Why"?!

"Well, quite frankley... you're a cock-block, Scooby". "So I need you to be away for awhile so that I can prey on the high school girls in peace".

"But, master... these people... aren't right"! "Barry is a violent dufus, Chris is an ineffective moron, Tiggr is a crack-addicted stuffed toy, Rebecca is a bitch, Jill is a power hungry lesbien, and Ashley is also a bitch". "How can you expect me to go with them"?

"Because of one word... GUARDS"!

The guards suddenly grabbed them, gragged them to the gate, and booted them down the stairs.

A few minutes later they reached the bottom.

"Is everyone ok"? Jill asked.

"Yeah". Barry replied. "Craig broke my fall".

"I think...". Chris groaned. "All of my bones... are broken".

"Alright". Rebecca said as she got up. "Brake's over, everyone back in the harnesses".

The guys started groaning as they looked toward the car, and that was when they noticed that the car was gone.

"What the hell"? Ashley asked. "Where is it"?

"Hold on". Jill said. "There's a note on the ground".

She picked it up, and began reading it.

It read: I CAME BACK TO BORROW SOME MORE PARTS FOR MY PLANE, BUT YOU WERE GONE, SO I JUST TOOK THE ENTIRE CAR. THANKS ALOT. SINCERLY, LIQUID.

"I can't believe that asshole"! Ashley yelled. "I'm not a bit surprised, but I still can't believe that he would do that to us"! "This is all your fault, Chris"!

"My fault"?! Chris yelled.

"Yes, your fault"! "If you had stayed and watched the car like a good boy, instead of having fun in Cosmo Canyon like a jackass, we would still have a car, wouldn't we"?

"Probably not". Jill replied. "It would have just taken Liquid a bit longer to steal it because he would have taken his time kicking the living shit out of Chris".

"There, see"! Chris yelled. "Not my fault... wait a second"! "I could take Liquid"!

Everyone began laughing at him.

"I could"! Chris yelled. "In fact, next time we run into Liquid, I will fucking destroy him"! "He'll be like have mercy on me Chris, and I'll be like no way bitch, then Jill Rebecca and Ashley will be like of Chris you are so manly and strong, and I'll be like... guys"?

He came back into reality, and saw that the others were already walking down the other side of the red mountains.

"Hey, wait up"! Chris yelled as he ran to join them.


	50. Leaving The Mountains

"Hey, wait up"! Chris yelled as he ran down the mountains.

"Thanks, Chris". Jill said as he caught up with them.

"What for"?

"Well, we all bet on how long you were gonna stand up there rambling like a dumbass". "And since you usually go on for atleast a half hour, I thought it was a sure thing, but thanks to your blunt incompetence, I lost another 20 gil"!

"Oh... well, sorry about your luck".

"Don't worry, I'll get it back".

"How"?

"Because I'm gonna take it out of your hide, silly".

She suddenly jumped into the air, and spin-kicked Chris street fighter style, making him scream as he began rolling down the mountain.

"Come back here"! Jill yelled as Chris crashed at the bottom. "You won't get away from me so easy"!

"You think that was easy"?! Chris yelled back. "You try rolling down a fucking mountain"!

He slowly got to his feet, then turned to see everyone else just getting to the bottom.

"DON'T HIT ME"! Chris screamed as he saw Jill.

"I'm not gonna hit you, Chris". She replied.

"Really"?

"YOU WISH"!

He screamed as she tackled him. Then she grabbed him by the hair, and shoved his face down into the large river that just happened to be in their path.

"Fuck"! Ashley yelled. "How the hell are we gonna cross that thing"?!

They all just looked at it for a minute, then Jill remembered that she was still holding Chris's head in the water. So she let him go, and they all laughed at how blue his face had become.

A few minutes later Chris was ok, and they returned their attention to the river.

"So". Rebecca said. "We have no car, and the only way forward is across a super big river". "Any thoughts"?

"I GOT IT"! Tiggr screamed. "Maybe this river is all in our minds"!

"I don't follow". Scooby replied.

"It's simple". "This is just like that time I went skiing down the northern crater". "Everything was going good until I hit a bad jump, and went falling toward my doom". "So I said to myself 'hey, I've been doing alot of acid lately, so maybe some of this might be in my head', so I closed my eyes, and it WAS"! "I've never even been to the northern crater"!

They all just looked at him for a second.

"HA HA"! Barry screamed. "I have a solution"!

"This outa be good". Rebecca replied. "What is your idea, Barry"?

"THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR... SUPER BARRY"!

"Super Barry"? Everyone asked.

Barry screamed as he ripped open his shirt, revealing a large superman symbol with a large B instead of an S tattooed on his chest.

"STAND BACK, MERE MORTALS"! He screamed. "AND WITNESS THE AWESOME POWER OF SUPER BARRY AS I HUFF AND PUFF AND FREESE THIS RIVER SOLID"!

He walked up to the river, and he huffed. Then he puffed, and he blew with all his might. He blew, and blew, and blew, and blew, untill... his face turned red and he passed out.

"Well". Scooby said. "That was interesting, but I have a better idea".

"Not so fast, dog"! Jill yelled. "These poor excuses for men have failed against the might of this river".

"That's right"! Rebecca yelled. "So now it is time for us, the superior women, to solve this horrible puzzle"!

"So stand back"! Ashley yelled. "As we triumph over this obstical"! "GIRL POWER"!

They all charged into the river, but suddenly a giant wave overtook them, knocking them back onto the shore, and making them gag and choke.

"Well". Scooby said. "I'm sure that what's left of the spice girls would be proud, but I really do have a better idea".

"Wait"! Jill yelled. "You haven't seen my backup plan"! "Chris, you must drown yourself as a sacrifice to the river gods, so that we may cross safely"!

"No way"! Chris yelled. "I don't need to get across THAT badly"!

"ENOUGH"! Scooby screamed. "We don't need human sacrifice, failed superheros, bad acid trips, or whatever the hell 'girl power' is"! "All we need to do to get across is walk 50 meters downstream to that bridge over there".

They all looked, and sure enough there was a bridge.

"Where am I"? Barry asked as he woke up.

"I give up". Scooby said. "Do whatever you want, I'm taking the bridge".

They all followed him across the bridge, and then they saw a town in the distance.

"Hold on a second". Jill said. "Chris, isn't that Mt. Nibel"?

"I think so". Chris replied. "Why"?

"So then that makes that town over there... Nibelhelm"?

"No way". "Sephiroth torched Nibelhelm 5 years ago in a fit of crossdressing rage".

Chris took a closer look, and then gasped.

"IT IS"! He screamed. "IT'S NIBELHELM"!

They then began running toward the town in the distance.

(END OF PART 1)

(TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 2)


End file.
